I am glad that Bill Maher said “Ann Romney has never gotten her ass out of the house to work”.

April 16, 2012
I am glad that Bill Maher said “Ann Romney has never gotten her ass out of the house to work”.
Since Maher, a lickspittle toad shilling for the Church of Modern American Liberalism, has brought up the subject of asses that makes all asses fair game.
Before I focus on the ass in the White House – hers, not him – I wish to praise some favorite asses from the past.
Alfred Hitchcock, Oliver Hardy, Jane Darwell, Aunt Jemima, and Orson Welles had at least one thing in common. They all had world class backsides. But they did things. They left footprints. We remember their asses fondly.
Bella Abzug had a classic ass.
It began at the L3 portion of her spine. It eventually covered both of her quadriceps. Richter took notice when she trotted. She stood up in layers. Her foundation garments were made of titanium. Her frequent bouts of diarrhea triggered a Haz-Mat response. Her proctologist wore a wet suit. She put her toilet tissue purchase out for bid. She had the first rebar hip replacement. Putting her ass in a sling required the services of a large animal vet. Say what you will about her liberal fascist policies she had a truly memorable Ass.
Barbara Boxer, less so.
The thing that she did to make it memorable was the way she scratched it. She didn’t just take a stab at it. She didn’t just wave at it. She had wee Black & Decker drills implanted into her fingers. Her knickers were made from thread taken from selectively aborted worms – Thanks, Dr. Mengele! – and Kevlar [happy pastel colors]
Modern American Liberals have a habit of having one photo define their public lives.
Senator Lard Kennedy wearing a neck brace after he drowned my neighbor’s classmate; Former Ku Klux Klan Kleagle Robert Byrd, a man who doubled as the Democratic majority leader in the Senate, twice using the dreaded “N” word on national TV and suffering no consequences from it; Jimmy Carter versus the killer rabbit; Michael Dukakis in a tank; Senator Jay Forbes Kerry in a rabbit suit; and Congresswoman Boxer walking up the stairs of the Senate scratching her ass as if her life depended on it.
She was going over to protest the nomination of Judge Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court. She scratched her ass in a manner that made grown men weep. “What did it do to deserve that?” was the cry of photographers. She had a ribbed, multi speed ass scratcher. She had an intern on each cheek smoothing out her skirt lest it ride up to her neck.
Hopefully, I have established that I am not anti-Ass. I Iike a nice ass as much as the next guy. I was glad to see that Jennifer Lopez, for years the unquestioned owner of the most perfect ass in Christendom, now has some serious competition with the sudden appearance of Pippa Middleton. She has an ass worthy of being wrapped in purple and “setting an ashtray on it”.
I’m available for lunch if she ever gets over here. I have friends in Henley-in-Arden who can vouch for me.
It’s time now to focus on the ass du jour. It, all of it, belongs to Michelle Obama. Say this for her: She got her ass out of the house to work.
Despite degrees from 2 Ivy League schools she apparently was not overburdened by ambition. While feeling decidedly “unproud” of her country for not forgiving her school debts she managed to hook up, after a nationwide search, as the head of the Affirmative Action Bed Pan Study Group at the University of Chicago Hospital. The first thing her husband did for her when he was elected to the United States Senate was to get her a raise. One of the things she can share with – to cite Hilary Rosen – the waitress in the middle of Nevada is to have your husband get elected to the United States Senate. Once he is in DC he too can get you a raise. In Michele’s case it was $4,000 – repeat - $4,000 a week. That’s more than $200,000 a year. The math was simple. He sent her employer $1,000,000 – repeat - $1,000,000 to report on the medical consequences of shouting “DA BULLS” and “DA BEARS” at the next public meeting of Minister Louie Farrakhan.
The money got there just in time.
If you think supporting a crack habit is tough just try to score 5 dozen Amazon leeches form South of Carmenmirandaville every day.
She had long given up on small chain saws as abraders and ass jumping Sumo wrestlers as pounders to keep “it” under control, “it” being her ass.

Leeches were the best.

Not just any leeches.

Female leeches in estrus.

Male leeches with a blue veiner that a cat couldn’t scratch.

Lady Leech would fasten on to one of her Rubenesque fanny packs for some chow. Lord Leech would jump on her and penetrate them both. His goal was two-fold. Some chow and some trim. A win/win/win all around!

Lady Leech was purring. Lord Leech was reaching for his smokes. Michele kept her ass in check until noon.

Sometimes Lady Leech had the cramps. Sometimes Lord Leech had a flaccid stinger. That’s why you can never be too rich, too thin, or have too many leeches.

Once her husband becomes unemployed she is going to set sale and size records in the Wal-Mart Spanx/Spandex aisles.

She is going to get an ass that coyotes could nest in.

Thank God she flies in a wide body jet. Put her ass in an F-16 and it would be non-stop to the end to the end of the runway.

I understand that the Secret Service calls her Moon Pie when she is walking towards them and Jemima when she waddles past them.

I was sitting in a kitchen in a house on 30th Street in the Holy city of Bayonne some 20 years ago. I was with the father of the quarterback we were going to see play that night. In the dining room was the quarterback’s mother dancing with his youngest sister. The song was “Achy Breaky Heart” by Miley’s dad. In the kitchen the quarterback’s father, his sister’s father, and the dancing Momma’s husband, a man known for his wit, his repartee, and his Noel Cowardesque salon palaver said, “She’s got a pretty nice ass for a 45 year old broad with 3 kids”. That she did.

Ann Romney has 5 kids and about 15 years on the Bayonne paradigm. Her ass looks OK to me.

If Michele gets a PET- Scan it will take 12 gallons of industrial strength KY jelly to get her into the tunnel. It will take a block and tackle and 6 mules to get her out.

I am glad to see that the “ass” debate is taking on Lincoln/Douglas stature. Next stop Burke/Fox.





KEVIN SMITH
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET