Steven L. Goldstein The Always Sunny-Sentinel

April 29, 2012
Steven L. Goldstein
The Always Sunny-Sentinel

RE: “When You Wish Upon a Star” to be the new anthem when Il Duce Goldstein takes over. Some comments on your column about the coming of the land of milk and honey in today’s Sun-Sentinel.

My dear Professor,

It’s not like needing a few lines of Peruvian Marching Powder. Lips that touch Oxy will never touch mine. It’s like having advanced marzipan cravings or severe whipped cream needs. If you score, fine. If you don’t, that’s OK too.

“It” is the combination of your reasoning coupled with the eclectic memory so common to a true believing modern American Liberal who refuses to let facts and History stand in the way of positing your perpetually false premise.

You say, in your quest to “make a system so perfect that no one will have to be good”, that the Internet will lead us to the paradise, alas man made, of true democracy.

I know that “Happy Days are Here Again” lends itself to an oom-pah brass band. Will “Kumbaya” and “I Dreamt I Saw Joe Hill” be retrofitted for a string quartet? You can never have enough cello. How about naming the next United States Navy combat vessel the USS Rosenbergs? Surely it’s time for a stamp to honor Alger Hiss. It is, isn’t it? How about naming the next Post Office after Willie Horton?

Your call for a “true” democracy, one where there will be no lack of lambs volunteering to go beddy-bye with Uncle Leo, has been sung by Sirens for centuries. That’s why the lions always know the words.

Since Lent is over I can go back to argumentum ad hominem.

Buckle up, you boob. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Benjamin Franklin, the quintessential dead White guy, was asked what the other soon to be dead White guys had given the country at Philadelphia in 1787. [Hint: Google the Constitutional Convention] “A Republic, if you can keep it.”

We race backwards through History trying, always unsuccessfully, to find a dissenting opinion.

Madison, Burke, Locke, 1688, Aquinas, 1215, Marcus Aurelius and the 5 Emperors, Cicero, men in the agora, and the answer is always the same.

“Either man controls his passions or passions will control the man.”

Democracy, unfettered and participatory, leads to lynchings and tyranny. Sometimes it leads to tyranny and lynchings. Whether the stone hits the pitcher or the pitcher hits the stone it’s going to be bad for the pitcher. Always has; always will.

If, as you say, vox populi is the coming wave why do we need that jerry rigged, Rube Goldberg designed panjandrum in Washington, D.C.? Why not just issue I-Pads cum Blackberries to everybody, and I mean everybody. No photo ID? No problem. When a pressing public question arises, one like sending Seal Team 6 to take out the Koch Brothers or ending the bullying of cross gendered teens by transgendered teens aided by ungendered and degendered teens, open the polls at Noon and give everybody an hour to vote. Thumbs up or Thumbs down. No write ins. 2 hours after the people decide the will of the people is carried out.

The Senate would be an unused appendage. The Supreme Court, indeed all courts, would be superfluous, what with the will of the people being both unquestioned and unquestionable. Do you think OJ would have gotten off after fileting his wife? Do you think that if a Republican President had not appointed a Republican Governor to the Supreme Court would Wichita have changed its evil ways? Do you think we would have had busing and affirmative action? Do you think we would have had a non-White President?

You say, somewhat vaguely, that we will go through the seasons “until we get it right”. How will we know that we have hit that political and cultural G-spot? Who will tell us? You? Once we get it “right” does that mean it can never get better?

Marzipan, whipped cream, and now cotton and topped by Mom’s meringue as a chaser.

“The enemy has landed; the issue is still in doubt.” Before the boobies completely take over the hatch be sure to order more lambs. A lot more lambs.


Kevin Smith


PS – Let’s hear it from the Amen corner! Our debt to Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. AKA Alpha Gump grows like Topsy. If he hadn’t invented the Internet we would still be trying to adopt the widely successful Cuban Democratic model to the rest of the universe.