May 24, 2014
Chan Lowe
The Sun Sentinel

RE: “The upturned neck awaits the ax” – What to do while waiting for the Apocalypse, the GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingOzoneDepletingClimateChangeClimateDisruption one, to be specific.

Mr. Lowe,

Now that Professor Stevie Goldstein, my favorite modern American Liberal piñata, has been dispatched to the island of dull quills from which no pundit ever returns I am looking for a new Sun Sentinel horse’s ass to flog.

You, as a half-assed smart ass, appear to be the guy in the 10 ring. Be advised you are dealing with a true smart ass

There are a few job descriptions, the main of which is that facts must never interfere with an argument.

Also, politicians are to be judged on expectations, never results. The proud claim that plaid is your favorite color is vital. All wars, save the 50 year old, hugely popular, immensely successful War on Poverty, must have an exit strategy. Manatee suffrage and 4th and 5th trimester abortion are topics that Broward County would vote for in a referendum in, forgive me, a heartbeat. It is an empirically self-evident fact – Did I just repeat myself? By golly, I did! – that the more money spent on education the better it will be. That is why the President and Mrs. Obama send their daughters to the really fine public schools in Washington. They do, don’t they? The terrible truth that from August 22, 1939 to June 21, 1941 modern American Liberals thought that Hitler was an OK guy is airbrushed out of History like an out-of-favor Politburo apparatchik. Money from the Koch Brothers is bad while money from Soros and Steyer is good. Julius and Ethel were railroaded and Alger Hiss was judged too harshly. The fact that no society anywhere, anytime has ever taxed its way to prosperity is an inconvenient truth to be ignored. Making the poor richer by making the rich poorer is today’s version of argumentum ad captandum. I told you I was a smart ass. Constant conflating of feelings and ideas is vital or mALs lose their identity. If it’s for the children how can it be bad? No fair using the Post Office, the IRS, the DMV, and now the VA as negative examples of why governments regularly mess up 2 car funerals and will do to health care what the grinder does to baloney. The song “Imagine” should be the new national anthem. All games should end in scoreless ties. Ignore the fact that Hillary Clinton has a humongous ass. It is approaching ax handle and a half wide status. Speaking of the Clintons, has the statute run on commenting on Handsome Billy being a confessed perjurer and a disbarred attorney? Will the year’s annual Summer of Recovery feature an updated version of Cash for Clunkers? How is that Reset button with the Russkies working out with Czar Putin? I miss my glutens wallowing in hot trans-fats. If Nancy Pelosi has any more face lifts she’ll be peeing through her navel. Fess up. Biden is



dumber than a box of hammers. Did you know that Bobby Kennedy’s first job as a lawyer was working for Senator McCarthy? That’s Joe from Wisconsin, not Gene from Minnesota. If it weren’t for the Republican minority in the Senate the Civil Rights bills of 1964 and 1965 would not have passed. Honest. Look it up. Thank God it is the 21st century. It makes Carter’s place as the 20th century’s worst President untouchably impregnable. How hard is it to raise your right hand and swear that Ben Carson, M.D. is an Uncle Tom? Tell me again. What exactly were Obama’s qualifications to be President? How many of the first ten amendments would be left it the editorial board of the Sun Sentinel got to rewrite the Constitution. For that matter, how much bigger would the list of enumerated powers be if the steady hand of modern American Liberalism got the blue pencil? Did you know that Cesar Chavez, he of the grape boycott and hero to the American Left, was in favor of strict immigration laws strictly enforced? I heard Justice Marshall say that Woodrow Wilson [D-NJ] was as vile a racist as the all the Democratic Senators and that he was the most bigoted President of the 20th century. HUAC was given life by a Democratic House of Representatives and fully supported by a Democratic President. Is Harry Reid as big a shit as he seems to be? Shouldn’t tubal ligations and vasectomies be required of all Kennedy spawn? Why do modern American Liberals, deep down, hate Israel?

As you can see there are myriad targets of opportunity. Every time I think the fish have jumped out of the barrel new ones jump in.

This morning’s Scorecard of Winners and Losers lists Deerfield Beach’s Mayor Al Capellini as this week’s Loser. I am originally from Hudson County, New Jersey. The lesson of beak dipping politicians is learned before one is weaned. Alas, in this instance the mighty left hand of the Sentinel did not tell its counterpart that the charges against Mayor Capellini were dismissed by the Judge. That he used the classic “I am not only a moron but I am a friggin’ moron” is irrelevant. He had dinner at home last night and then he slept in his own bed. That makes him a Winner.

Would it be OK to construct a universal from the uncomfortable particulars of referendums? Would it be OK for you to label me a knuckle dragging, gun toting toxic homophobic bigot if I were to point out that nowhere and at no time in this country has same-sex marriages ever been approved by the voters? Don’t forget to add California to the list.

Would you nod in agreement if President Obama were to blame President Bush, either or both, for Vietnam? How about teen age bullying and obesity? Is it not passing strange, even for card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberals, that Chrysler, the recipient of a $10,000,000,000 – That’s ten billion, bub – from this country is now owned by an Italian company and will soon be making Jeeps in China? If I were to mention Solyndra it would be, like herpes, wretched excess so I won’t.





We can stipulate that Governor Scott is not like a day at the beach. If you can tell me which direction Charlie Crist’s head will be facing when he ends his Exorcist imitation we can talk. Not really. Just kidding.

I buy the Sun Sentinel every morning at the local Stop-N-Shop. I refuse to buy it again on line. That’s why I can’t link your cartoon and accompanying screed.

Remember that with Stevie being in re-education camp you have big shoes to fill. Don’t let me down.

And don’t forget….


THANK GOD FOR GLOBAL WARMING!



If it hadn’t happened we would still be competing with woolly mastodons for good silage while we tried to figure out what to do with our thumbs you ohmadahn.





Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET



PS – Professor Paul Ehrlich told us in The Population Bomb, published in 1969, that we would all be dead by 2000. Former Vice President Alpha Gump gave us five years to live six years ago. Professor Paul Krugman, Nobel Prize winner and former shill for Enron, told us ten days ago that we were all doomed. You say that Florida “must tax their citizens accordingly” to combat the dreadful, can’t be stopped, abandon all hope ye who live here, climate disruption. What can be done? As for me, nothing. As for you, how about turning off all you’re A/Cs? It’s a small step but it is a start. Shame us into being good citizens.