November 12, 2014
Mitchell Berger, Esq.
350 E. Las Olas Blvd.
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Congratulations and a non-denominational secularized Season’s Greetings to you.

Mr. Berger,

Being named modern American Liberal piñata of the year is no mean feat. That you did it in your first year of contention speaks volumes for your, doubtless, Kipling inspired dream seeking persistence.

The prize, a year’s supply of “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” in the delivery system of your choice – oral or anal – delivered as often as required in a plain brown envelope, may, in your case, be redundant. You seem to have access to an Old Faithful geyser that enables you to quaff deeply and daily of the most important elixir in the alternative universe occupied by gravity defying modern American Liberals. It enables you to possess the rare ability to ask, after you have pissed on somebody’s back, why they haven’t burst out in a chorus of “I’m Singing in the Rain”.

I could have picked Congresschick Debbie Wasserman-Schultz [D-FL] but she’s too busy trying to hang on to her job. Chances are she will since expectations, not results, are what counts for modern American Liberal scorekeepers.

II could have picked Senator Diane Feinstein [D-CA] who recently said “all veterans are a little bit nuts”. Honest. You could look it up. If I did that it would piss off Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi [D-CA] She is still mad at me for not giving her the attention she earned when she said in re Obamacare “We’ll have to pass it to see what’s in it”. Honest. She said that. You could look it up.

She was just picking up the Democratic torch that was first lighted in 1864 when George McClellan, the Democratic candidate for President, referred to Abraham Lincoln as a “baboon”

In 1916 President Wilson [D-NJ] said he would “never send American boys to fight in foreign wars”. That was so popular that President Roosevelt [D-NY] said it in 1940. No to be outdone, President Johnson, [D-TX], AKA “Landslide Lyndon”, a name decidedly not given to him by his trusted vote counter and recounter, Abe Fortas. Johnson also gave us the hugely popular War on Poverty

Some thought was given to Professor Gruber of MIT. He was paid almost $400,000 by the tax payers of America to advise the government on how to pass ObamaCare. After the checks cleared, his counsel was tersely spot on. He told the modern American Liberal cabal of rotters both in the White House, the Congress, and, most importantly, in the ass kissing media, to lie to the American people. He said that because he believed it. He believed it because, deep down in his modern American Liberal heart, he knows that the American people are “too stupid to know any better”. Honest. He said that. You could look it up.

Gaffes happen when people accidentally tell the truth. If there is one thing central to the core of true modern American Liberals is that the untermenschen - “bitter clingers” all – are too stupid to govern themselves. If they were smart they would know that raising taxes and the minimum wage is the one sure way to jump start the economy. And, since the Koo-Aid of this Fatal Conceit enables them to say even if it isn’t, it Damn well should be.

The next time these closet Fascists want to tell some whoppers call me. I’ll do it for a couple of hundred bucks and a case of Tullamore Dew. I’ll also need 60 pounds of Waygu Beef Tartare If you can’t get Waygu I’ll settle for Kobe. I’ll need that to reach out to my PETA pals. PETA pals? I have many pals who list themselves as “People Eating Tasty Animals”.

I picked you because you’re a local guy.

I don’t know why your firm hasn’t announced that it will no longer handle any real estate transactions involving water front property. You alerted us to the seas rising inexorably due to Global Warming [I guess when Candidate Obama promised to “cool the planet and calm the oceans” he hadn’t figured on the Tea Party and the Koch Brothers. Is that promise still “operative”?] I know by now – I hope, I hope – that in addition to mandating that your associates use hybrid public transportation to get to and from work you have turned off all the A/Cs in your office.

If you have not done so it would make you a lower than eel shit hypocritical bastard. The uptick is that it will make you this year’s first winner of another much coveted award. I hereby name you

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

But I have another reason for picking you

You entered the 10 ring when you and your wife hosted - I am incapable of making this up, it being quite past the parameters of my ken – a vegan dinner for her classmate, gazillionaire hedge fund manager Tom Steyer. He, having gotten his pelf and swag the old-fashioned way, that is to say, by mining and selling dirty coal to emerging nations who burned it to make electricity to lift them from the depths of Socialism, has found the Baby Jesus. He is a lot like an aging hooker whose siren’s call is losing its allure.

[I would be remiss if I failed to point out that Hitler was the 20th century’s first great vegan. I could use the “correlation is causation” warped Logic used by Sophist mountebanks who preach the false gospel of man caused climate change and hint that your wife is a goose stepping, brown shirted, Todt Juden, SS Death’s Head Ladies Auxiliary Frau Oberst but I won’t.

The other reason I chose you is because Ft. Lauderdale has an image problem.

A 90 year old veteran – Remember what Senator Feinstein said about them? –wants to feed the homeless. The problem is that it is against the law. Gandhi used to tell the Judges presiding over his trials that they had no choice but to sentence him to jail. History would suggest that this will end with an enthusiastic policeman Macing him, Tazing him, and, for good measure, “putting the boot in” a few times.

Not good. Not good at all. Shades of Spring Break! Think what it will do the LGBTQ market that the city is soliciting. Not good.

Herewith a potential solution.

Jack Seiler, Mayor of Ft. Lauderdale, and soon to be this century’s first Bull Connor [Connor was a delegate to the 1964 Democratic Convention in 1964. Look it up] was a guest at your home for the Tom Steyer magic lantern show cum vegan meal

Why not have a dozen non-gas powered hybrid buses on hand the next time he rings the dinner bell.

Load the buses and bring them all to your house

Chilled pine nut and kudzu soup, kale soufflé laced with dandelions, and finished off with your wife’s legendary endive and arugula sorbet with either white or black shaved truffle. The homeless feeding problem will be solved.

I have spoken - unofficially and deep throat back channel – to the Mayor. He nodded so violently he threw his back out.

I hear people criticizing the 1% because in addition to being undertaxed they never “give something back”.

Here’s your chance.

Your wife can have Wagner playing in the background.





Kevin Smith