March 28, 2015

Letter to the Editor

The Sun Sentinel

RE: God’s Holy Trousers! Could this be the end of Western Civilization as we know it? Some comments on your unlinkable editorial – one that proclaims proudly that yes you can perform your own colonoscopy – about endangered coral reefs and a 400 year- repeat – 400 year plan to rescue them. I swear that you said that today.

Sirs,

“It will take more than $250 million –

and an astonishing 400 years –

to replenish the coral reefs”

The Sun Sentinel

Today

Youi

All of you

Each and every one of you

Once you accept the fact that George Costanza, he of Seinfeld fame, is the puppet master, the one who makes everyone dance to his tune, the veil is lifted, the fog disappears, and all things become possible.

As I read your editorial about a 400 year plan to save coral reefs I looked around trying to find the hidden camera with Alan Funt in the director’s chair. He is like the horizon. Everyone knows where it is but no one can ever quite find it. To read the editorial and not have your head do a Lind Blair “Exorcist” roundabout requires both an iron will and an iron mask welded to your shoulders with your head Gorilla Glued to it.

I held your editorial up to a full length mirror. I expected to see an orange haired dude in a polka dot costume come crashing through with bags of flaming cat shit ready to be flung as he shouts “Gotcha”.

I shouted “Shazaam” at it several times. Nothing happened. 

I searched for my Rootie Kazootie decoder ring hoping I could use it as a Rosetta 

Stone to figure out what the Hell you were talking about. I put fresh aluminum foil on my “E T phone home antenna” but there was no answer. The Godot-like Summer of Recovery will be twice gone before it will be deciphered.

400 years?

How much gin has to be mainlined before you came to that number?

I can see where multiple sub-dermal hematomas have not impeded your ability to type. To reason? Absolutely. To be bound by the discipline of Logic? Absolutely not.

The total absence of even a trace of a sense of humor to be found in the DNA markers of modern American Liberals has never been more plainly shown.

400 years.

Johnathan Swift would have been impressed. Mel Brooks is. Too bad Professor Irwin Corey is not here to push your plan.

You say that the task of restoring the coral reefs will be “Herculean”. One of the tasks he completed was the cleansing of the Augean Stables. [We should hum a minor te Deum for Google] I don’ think that Hercules in his full power and glory would be up to the task of cleansing the editorial aerie of the Sun Sentinel. It would prove to be one task too far. 

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – I have suggested every year since 1997 that you show us the way, that you set the standard, that you raise the banner to which all environmentally-minded citizens may repair, to decrease our ever growing carbon footprint, to undrown polar bears, and now to save the coral reefs. It’s simple. You’ll kick yourself for not thinking of it sooner. Turn off all you’re A/Cs.  Start with the months of July, August, and September. Not for 400 years. Not for 40 either. Just for 4. Try it. You love yourself for doing it. Those reefs, particularly the fiercely independent staghorns, will remind you of a Lazarus 3Columbus Days hence. 

Who says developmentally disabled adults cannot make their own way in life? Not I. Res ipso loquitur. Plus, we will be in your debt. 

OOOPS! I have to change my pants again.

You people should do an Infomercial on relaxing enlarge prostate glands and for unblocking impacted bowels.

Your Mr. Fleshler told me a week ago that Federal law required him say it would take 400 years to solve the problem. I cannot find any such law. If it is out there it falls into the Mr. Bumbles category. “The law is a fool, the law is a ass”