March 18, 2016

Commissioner Tim Ryan

Broward County Commission

115 S. Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: “Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” and why it is of critical importance that it be double-helixed into every card carrying, fire breathing, balloon juice dispensing, “Of course we can repeal gravity”, modern American Liberal.

Commissioner Ryan,

I am a bit long in the tooth to believe in the Easter Bunny but your letter of 3/15/16, a letter that took 3 days to travel 4 miles, brings back pleasant memories of a well-spent childhood. Alas, the only time I got the ears was when I had kids and would beat them to them.

I am glad to see that the Marianists prepared you well. Since I believe that modesty is an overrated virtue it is indeed fitting and proper for you to proclaim your degree in economics and that you were graduated summa cum laude. [Whether the degree is a B.S. or an A.B. is a subject for a different discussion]

As far as I can tell from your CV you have done nothing but 2 things in your adult life. A – You joined your father’s law firm. It is not known if your mother had anything to do with it and B – you welded yourself to any conveniently lactating public mammary for sustenance.

I was a History major with minors in English, Spanish, and Philosophy.

I know why Oedipus went to Colonnus. I know why Achilles stayed in his tent. My favorite female character in Literature is still Antigone. I know that “Free men speak with free tongues”. Of course Cicero was the noblest Roman of them all. A case can be made for the time of the 5 Emperors as, if we to believe Gibbon,  the best of all times. I mention that because 13 centuries after Christ walked on the earth an Italian chose “Halfway through my journey I found myself in the dark wood of error” as the opening line of his poem. I mention that because 13 centuries after Mohammed’s time on earth I wait in vain for an Islamic Dante. I know the difference between Caravaggio, Capicola, Chiaroscuro, and Cellini. I know that government does not give us rights since they are ours at birth, “gifts from beyond the stars”. Governments can either confirm them or deny them with it usually being the former. I know that the Constitutional Convention in 1787 was divinely inspired. I know that until the election of the great Reagan the United States government had done but 2 things superbly well in the 20^th century:  #1 – Fighting World War 2 and #2 – being the benign General Contractor on the moon shot. I know that I am told that this may finally be the year when the Summer of Revival arrives. I know that Obama makes me nostalgic – almost – for Carter.

And I know that in the 1980s I “created” more net new jobs than all the companies on the Dow Jones Industrial Average combined.

One of my avocations, in addition to depleting the ozone layer, trapping manatees, financing rainbow stew farms, fighting bullying of transgendered teens is debunking GlobalCooloingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDedstruction myths and the poltroons and scrolls that preach them, is recognizing public officials and figures when they do or say something truly egregious.

Since you have already won the HORSE’S ASS of the WEEK award it is with great pride and pleasure that I proclaim you POMPOUS FART of the MONTH and the gold standard for which all modern American Liberals aspire, viz;

SMARMY BASTARD of the YEAR

Wear your laurels proudly. You got them the old fashioned way:

You earned them

Kevin Smith

PS – As to economists….DeSoto speaks truth to power and I must tell you how I loooove saying that. Piketty is unreadable. Not since Marx has there been a bigger charlatan with a pen. It even surpasses the monumental 1972 Democratic platform. I couldn’t get 30 pages into it. Spontaneous strabismus and  my sparkling blue eyes going to a kaleidoscopic Rubik’s Cube pattern was the result. Maybe it should be held up to a mirror. Plus, I am never more than 5 feet from a copy of “The Road to Serfdom”. I am sure you know that Lord Keynes wrote to Hayek and told him “I was wrong and you were right”. You knew that, didn’t you?

If you don’t understand “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” send a SASE.