March 22, 2016

Mike Jackson – CEO

AutoNation

110 SE 6^th Street

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: How to have your showrooms as crowded as a good bakery on Sunday morning.

Mr. Jackson,

It may be time to disown your “disowning” of Donald Trump.

For whatever reason, be it personal, political, or an incorrect reading of your customer base, you forgot that your job as the Big Boss Man of a gazillion dollar public company is to draw people into your showrooms.

You don’t do this be telling half of the day’s traffic that they are stupid. Be advised that the half that agrees with you will not feel obligated to buy a car from you. The half that you offended has  far too many choices to shop for a car to countenance insults.

Whatever caused your dudgeon meter to go bonkers it is time to correct it. Companies, particularly American public companies, have the innate ability to recognize a mistake, correct it, and in the immortal words of Coach Hank Stram in Super Bowl 3, “Matriculate the ball down the field”.  In fact, it can become a plus. Vide the mea culpa of the Coca-Cola Company when they apologized for “New Coke”.

As of this writing feral Muslim thugs – as opposed to the millions of moderate Muslims, true children of Allah who share the gift of invisibility, who by their silence give consent and acquiescence to mayhem and murder – have blown up Brussels and murdered 28 innocents. 

Maybe Trump’s idea of a wall, not to keep people in a la Berlin but to keep people out a la China, Hadrian, Israel, and soon, Hungary, isn’t so bad after all.

It goes without saying that everybody “owns” the right to be secure in their person, a right codified and writ large in stone by our 4^th Amendment, particularly as we go about our business. Some of that business may be buying a car.

I suggest that all people coming into any AutoNation showroom be required to sign a pledge condemning Muslim terrorists. In addition, all signers will be required to eat either a pork spare rib or a pulled pork slider. Anyone declaring himself a Jew will be exempt from this rite of passage.

For every non-signer, for every sad-sacked, sorry assed modern American Liberal puke who wets his pants while proclaiming that, yes, the Constitution is a suicide pact you will pick up 100 potential car buyers.

Ask anybody working the floor what they can do with 100 new faces coming through the doors.

When Hannibal gave the Romans a Texas-sized ass whipping at Cannae the Senate did not execute the losing generals. They analyzed the defeat. Then they improvised, adapted, and overcame.

When was the last time the Carthaginians posed a threat to the world?

The Archbishop of Nantes, in a desperate fight against the pernicious Albijensians, ordered his generals to level the city under siege and kill the inhabitants. “We have some people there”, said the General. “Kill them all’, was his reply. “God will know his own.”

Thus ended the threat of virulent Albijensianism. 

The good people of Massachusetts solved their witch problem in Salem to the satisfaction of all save the witches

It may be too late for this weekend but I suggest you cancel all leaves for April 1, April 2, and April 3^rd.

Glad to be of help.

Kevin Smith

PS – Have any of your shareholders ever given you a white glove or sparkling shoes?