March 28, 2016

Michael Mayo

The Sun Sentinel

RE: “It’s a no-brainer” – Some comments on your brainless column about the scourge of the modern world in yesterday’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel

Mr. Mayo,

“bottom line”?

“record profits”?

“greater good”?

“publicly regulated monopoly”?

You tell a story of one group – the Valencia Lakes Homeowners – pursuing its rational self-interest – lower electricity rates - in conflict with a large heartless company that deep down relishes the drowning of polar bears – FPL – blocking therm.

You don’t need a program to tell who the good guys/bad guys are.

All the good guys – the Valencia Lakes Homeowners Association and don’t you think that an apostrophe is needed somewhere? – need is for the bad guys – FPL – to give up some property rights.

[Forgive me but have you ever heard of Richard Pipes?]

It is indeed a blessing for modern American Liberals to be able to avoid inconvenient truths in pursuit of the “greater good”.

Pray tell but who determines what is the “greater good”?

Certainly not the people because if memory serves, 62% of them voted against same sex marriages. 

You turn the term “record profits” into a four letter word. “Bottom line” is a close second.

Would you prefer using the hugely successful business model that has made the United States Post Office the envy of the digital informationl world?

 Your employer, the Tribune Company, spent several years in Chapter XI. For all Bernie supporters, that’s bankruptcy. On balance was it better for you to work for a company that not only did not have “record profits” but had no profits?

The president just spent some time in Cuba, a country where not only “record profits” but all profits have been outlawed since Eisenhower was President. Too bad that long distance swimming, I mean really, really long distance swimming, is not on the program. Cuba would sweep the field, particularly if they let expatriates compete. After all those years of leading the world in the “Who needs profits”? Cuba still has 3 unsolvable problems: breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s the best organic way to cure the problem of teenage obesity. As the immortal Big Mike from Bayonne still says, “That’s why you don’t see anyone swimming to Cuba”.

I guess the modern American Liberal aversion to “record profits” does not extend to dinner at Leo diCaprio’s house. The tab for 2, $324,000, does not include tips or valet parking and I think there is a cash bar. Has a section been set aside for the $15 an hour minimum wage advocates? Do all the servants have green cards? 

Enough with Chanel #5! It’s time for NMFMS parfum. For the uniniated that’s the scent that mALs bathe in. “Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” ???. Send a SASE.

Progressives, the ideological forebears of today’s Democrats, wept tumescently a century ago when legislatures began to grant utility companies monopolies. What qualified the pre Baker v Carr legislators to pick which company would win and which company would lose is still unclear Maybe some “white envelopes” changed hands. Who know? The trade-off was simple. In return for the state forbidding competition it would get a say in rates. The companies agreed to this quickly because in addition to being free from the travails and caprices of the marketplace a “fair” rate of return was guaranteed. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Utilities always had a disproportionate amount of debt – Think Graham & Dodd – with their equity always leaning to cumulative preferred shares. That made it easier to argue for rate increases because of the rule guaranteeing a “fair” rate of return.

To someone who believes that not only can the horizon be reached but it can be crossed into the land of milk and honey where unicorns prance through the rainbow stew bushes and the balloon juice trees marketplace travails and caprices are alien concepts. 

Look around you

Did you drive your Oldsmobile to the Blockbuster store to return your Beta tapes? When you realized you had forgotten something did you use a pay phone to call home?

Is it time to get a new Polaroid? IBM makes a great typewriter, don’t they? I always bring my Walkman when I fly Eastern Airlines.  I love New Coke. If you were to tell me in 1975 that every overnight package that FedEx delivers, even a mile away, would first go to Memphis, TN I wouldn’t believe it. GOOGLE? Smart Phones? Revlamid? Virtual reality? Fracking? Net-Flix? Drones? Where can I get a cartridge for my Kodak Instamatic? Is Yahoo the “other side of the blanket child” of Yoo-Hoo?

  

Some of the above came and went and were replaced with marvelous things. The “creative destruction” that Schumpeter described has done more for the “greater good’ than all the officers of the local chapters of the Lucky Sperm Club can possibly imagine.

I suggest that “record profits” and concern for the “bottom line” are two of the things that make the dog hunt.

 

“We are not here to sell a parcel

of boilers and vats, but the potentiality

of growing rich beyond the dreams of avarice.”

Samuel Johnson

When asked what was the best way to end an 

economic downturn, the great Lord Keynes said,

“First, cut taxes, then loosen the animal spirits.” 

I thought all libraries were like the one I first went to in Bayonne, NJ. A big granite building with magnificent columns in front made it a place fit for books and for someone who wanted to read them. Carnegie built it. He built 1,000 of them. Doubtless, his concern for “record profits” and his keeping a sharp eye on the “bottom line” made it easier for him to build them than if he had stood on the corner with a begging cup.

Tell me again, do the same people who determine what is the “greater good” also get to speak ex cathedra on what is “fair”? Any public policy that has “robbing Peter to pay Paul will always have Paul’s support is still valid, right?

Here’s a thought.  I hope the Valencia Lake Homeowners Association can get their hands  on some Solyndra solar panels. They will go at a great price because the owners, the Americans, had a stupid agent, the government working for them. Since excessive attention to the “bottom line” is frowned upon in modern American Liberal circles no one dreamed that not only would the fox eat the chickens but he would steal the hen house also.

Kevin Smith

PS – Apropos of nothing, the next time you are in Ft. Lauderdale visit Northeast High School. When the contest for the ugliest public building in America begins it has a leg up. Too bad Carnegie wasn’t here. Isn’t a giraffe a horse that’s been designed by a legislative committee?

March 27, 2016

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: It beats hunting for Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies. Some comments on your quasi-polemic on those Wascally Wepublicans in today’s unklinkable Sun Sentinel.

Big Stein,

  “undies scrunched”? Bravo, sir! I’ve been using “knotted knickers” for too long. With your permission, or without it, I will appropriate it. It’s not “fair” that you have it and I don’t. Isn’t that what “Feel the Bern” is all about? 

• If you are opposed to “carpet bombing” feral Islamic murderers does that mean you are retroactively opposed to the United States Army Air Force, the “Mighty 8^th”, turning Dresden into a 20^th century version of Mrs. O’Leary’s barn? How about Curtis Lemay giving the Japanese a crash course in quick frying? I won’t even ask if you were opposed to Nixon, the “mad bomber” as I recall, unleashing the B-52s, the BUFFs, Big Ugly Fat Fu*kers, if you will, on Hanoi at Christmas, 1972.
• Are you indignant about all carpet bombing or just “eclectically indignant” when Republicans suggest it?
• You snarl a bit about Trump “insulting and threatening Cruz’s wife”. Here’s a task for Little Stein, your perpetual college student. 
• Have him do some homework on “Ma, Ma where’s Pa? Gone to the White House, ha, ha, ha”. 1876 is a big hint. Also, the similarities between Trump and Andrew Jackson. Modern American Liberal favorite Arthur Schlesinger, Jr wrote about Old Hickory without spending too much time on his Indian policies. No sense spoiling the narrative, right? And in a manner insulting to Saint Thomas More, “A Man for all Seasons”, Roman Catholic candidate Kennedy said about Adlai Stevenson that while adultery was a touchy subject divorce was verboten
• You say that Mayor Rudy Giuliani is “irrelevant”. Did this happen on September 12, 2001 or did it happen when he began to appear on Fox News?
• You say that Obama doing the tango in Buenos Aires was no big deal. Au contraire, amigo. In a blow for blowing up racial shibboleths and bigoted canards he gave us empirical evidence that not all Black men can dance. It may be the absence of slave blood or an overdosing of his grandmother’s genes. You may recall that he said she was just an “average White woman”. Obviously there is no DNA connection to either Gene Kelly or Fred Astaire.
• Let me end with a gender specific ad hominem argument.
• Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama have asses that would make Oliver Hardy and Aunt Jemima green with envy.
• Hillary will need the Jaws of Life should she develop violent diarrhea if and when she meets the families of any of the 4 Americans who were killed at Benghazi. The last time she met them, as they were standing next to the drag draped coffins, she lied to them. She probably IVs crème brulee and uses an enema for her morning biscuits, red eye gravy, and a Ben & Jerry surprise. Thank G-d for those Ninja blenders.
• Michelle will cause a bidding war between Jenny Craig, Nutri-System, and an Oprah-led resurgent Weight Watchers never before seen. Her bidet has a 6 inch – inside diameter – booty pipe.
• You still haven’t gotten back to me about the Israelis hanging Eichmann. Does your “retroactive outrage” extend to him also?
• Kevin Smith
• WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

March 27, 2016

State Senator Eleanor Sobel

2600 Hollywood Blvd.

Hollywood, FL 33020

RE: The horror, the horror of the Senate and Judge Garland as bloviated by you in this morning’s mini Op-Ed section of the unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

Senator Sobel,

It is indeed passing strange that knee-jerk, card carrying modern American Liberals, churlish dolts and poltroons such as you, wave the Constitution about in a most promiscuous manner as if no has ever read it.

The Constitution, the one passed in 1787, says that the Senate shall give “advice and consent” to judicial nominations. It also says that “Each House may determine the rules of its proceedings….” [Article 1, Section 5, Part 2] Thus, when Senator Reid [D-NE] never brought up the minority request for a vote on the budget he and it were well within their rights. I can find no evidence of your caterwauling like the crazed modern American Liberal banshee that you most assuredly are.

You say, in a smarmy “Gotcha” moment, that the Senate “overwhelmingly approved Garland’s most recent nomination to the Federal bench”. Ellie! Sweetheart! You haven’t done your homework. If precedent of previous confirmation is the main criterion then Judge Bork would have become Justice Bork, he having been approved unanimously for the DC Circuit Court of Appeals. I loooove to tell modern American Liberals, particularly those who suffer from extreme “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”, scroyles such as you, that had that happened Vice President Alpha Gump would have been sworn in as President in 2001. Honest. Look it up.

On a different note…President Obama wants to shut down Gitmo, America’s most successful adult sleep-away camp, because it is a recruiting tool for ISIS, ISIL, or that old favorite, al Qaeda. If that is the case what the motivating factor was for those 19 Islamic terrorists, feral WOGs all, to hijack 3 planes and blowup the WTC and the Pentagon, there being no Gitmo for them to resent to the point of violence? Get back to me before this year’s “Summer of Recovery” settles in.

Kevin Smith

March 27, 2016

“Mayor” Marty Kiar

Broward County Commission

119 S. Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: “Such stupidity, sir, is not to be found in Nature.” – Some restrained comments on  your clock stopping mini Op-Ed in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel..

Mr. “Mayor”,

“It is impossible to criticize unresisting imbecility”

I know, I know, the Great Dr. J is right but some things are owed to the ledger. I must try or it could be the high ball express train to Avernus for all of us. The Gods have long memories and short fuses.

First, have your health care advocate check your medicine cabinet.  You may have mixed Proferol and Prozac again. If not there is no other feasible conclusion to reach that you are such a horse’s ass that you should not be allowed to handle sharp objects or, Heavens forefend, operate heavy equipment.

“…151, 734 bikes have been taken by 106, 505 riders; 542,083

Miles have been ridden; 26,702 gallons of gasoline have been 

Saved; 525,258 pounds of carbon emissions have been reduced

….20, 599 calories and 5,784 pounds of fat have been lost.”

The Sun Sentinel

Today

You

I am speechless…almost.

Can you hazard a guess as to how many polar bears have been saved? Just give us a ball park figure. No one will hold you to it like some of the more skeptical of the “bitter clingers” might hold you to the provenance of your biking for life, cooling the earth and lowering the seas as your numbers imply.

That you are employed, that you draw a pay check, that you are abler – I think  - to get to work and back to your assisted living shelter – Hire the handicapped, adults with severe learning disabilities section - is a testament to the efficacy of the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Green loving, tree hugging, neo Fascists are forever hectoring me with “Think Globally, Act Locally persiflage. Maybe it’s time to reverse that.

It is obvious that bike riding is the key to ending strife and conflict all over the world.

May I suggest that as an alternative to a lobotomy you start a fund raising effort to buy and transport 100,000 bikes for use in the Sharia controlled areas of Brussels? In six months you’ll have Fatima and Yusuf hot legging it over to the “Dancing with the Stars” tryouts? Further, the Imams will shut down the stoning pits. In a year “La Cage aux Folles” will be number one on the stages in the new, more tolerant mosques. “A Jew and a Muslim” will be this year’s “All in the Family”. Honest. 

Then the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny will team up to find the Bermuda Triangle. As a bonus, you flaming nit-wit, they will try to find if Atlantis is the home of the all those missing socks.

Then we will send a gazillion bikes to North Korea. Once they realize that they can’t eat them they will peddle south and the Voice of the Turtle will once again be heard in the land.

After that, Serbia and Croatia.

Then the 2 big ones. 

The Sharks and the Jets and the Bloods and the Crips

Nobody cares about the Hatfields and McCoys. They’re dumb White people who mine coal and can see through a keyhole with both eyes.

It’s too later for the Capulets and the Montagues.

As soon as the contest for the face on the Cabeza de Miedra is announced I will be proud to nominate you. You’ll be a shoe-in.

Kevin Smith

March 22, 2016

Mike Jackson – CEO

AutoNation

110 SE 6^th Street

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: How to have your showrooms as crowded as a good bakery on Sunday morning.

Mr. Jackson,

It may be time to disown your “disowning” of Donald Trump.

For whatever reason, be it personal, political, or an incorrect reading of your customer base, you forgot that your job as the Big Boss Man of a gazillion dollar public company is to draw people into your showrooms.

You don’t do this be telling half of the day’s traffic that they are stupid. Be advised that the half that agrees with you will not feel obligated to buy a car from you. The half that you offended has  far too many choices to shop for a car to countenance insults.

Whatever caused your dudgeon meter to go bonkers it is time to correct it. Companies, particularly American public companies, have the innate ability to recognize a mistake, correct it, and in the immortal words of Coach Hank Stram in Super Bowl 3, “Matriculate the ball down the field”.  In fact, it can become a plus. Vide the mea culpa of the Coca-Cola Company when they apologized for “New Coke”.

As of this writing feral Muslim thugs – as opposed to the millions of moderate Muslims, true children of Allah who share the gift of invisibility, who by their silence give consent and acquiescence to mayhem and murder – have blown up Brussels and murdered 28 innocents. 

Maybe Trump’s idea of a wall, not to keep people in a la Berlin but to keep people out a la China, Hadrian, Israel, and soon, Hungary, isn’t so bad after all.

It goes without saying that everybody “owns” the right to be secure in their person, a right codified and writ large in stone by our 4^th Amendment, particularly as we go about our business. Some of that business may be buying a car.

I suggest that all people coming into any AutoNation showroom be required to sign a pledge condemning Muslim terrorists. In addition, all signers will be required to eat either a pork spare rib or a pulled pork slider. Anyone declaring himself a Jew will be exempt from this rite of passage.

For every non-signer, for every sad-sacked, sorry assed modern American Liberal puke who wets his pants while proclaiming that, yes, the Constitution is a suicide pact you will pick up 100 potential car buyers.

Ask anybody working the floor what they can do with 100 new faces coming through the doors.

When Hannibal gave the Romans a Texas-sized ass whipping at Cannae the Senate did not execute the losing generals. They analyzed the defeat. Then they improvised, adapted, and overcame.

When was the last time the Carthaginians posed a threat to the world?

The Archbishop of Nantes, in a desperate fight against the pernicious Albijensians, ordered his generals to level the city under siege and kill the inhabitants. “We have some people there”, said the General. “Kill them all’, was his reply. “God will know his own.”

Thus ended the threat of virulent Albijensianism. 

The good people of Massachusetts solved their witch problem in Salem to the satisfaction of all save the witches

It may be too late for this weekend but I suggest you cancel all leaves for April 1, April 2, and April 3^rd.

Glad to be of help.

Kevin Smith

PS – Have any of your shareholders ever given you a white glove or sparkling shoes?

March 22, 2016

Congressman Jeb Hensarling

810 East Corsican Street – Suite C

Athens, TX 75751

RE: Good show, sir!

Congressman Hensarling,

And yes, I have been on the receiving end of a Federal subpoena and no, I was not given 3 years a la treasury Secretary Lew to ignore it.

There is a magnificent moment in “Breaker Morant” when the defense lawyer, after wading through a fen of particularly obfuscatory persiflage coming from a witness for the prosecution, says, “Try yes or no, Sergeant Major”.

I stumbled into your hearing as a chance to black out the news from Belgium about today’s Muslim murder and mayhem, all of which were done in the name of the Prophet and his quest for peace.

[As an aside, do you know whatever happened to those 300 teenage girls who were kidnapped in Nigeria a few years ago? Remember #Bringbackourgirls”? How did that work out?]

A serendipitous highlight was Congresswoman Maxine Walters attempt to make Secretary Lew into Saint Francis of Assisi.

You may recall that Congresswoman Walters need the help of Congressman Barney Frank, he of the gender specific Happy Bottom Riding Club and Knocking Shoppe. She and her husband were deep in the fen of ethical quick sand caused by her husband’s banking schemes. It is a truism that you can steal more from a bank with a pen than you can with a gun. When she began to give Secretary Lew an electronic tongue bath I ran to my kitchen to see if my hot stove was still there.

Thanks for a moment’s diversion on a bloody morning.

We may not be at war with radical Muslim murderers but they sure as Hell are at war with us.

Kevin Smith

March 22, 2016

Pastor Dwayne Dawkins – Op Ed section

The Sun Sentinel

 500 E. Broward Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33316

Pastor Dawkins,

In Sunday’s mini Op-Ed section of the Sun Sentinel you say that the acquittal of a police officer acquitted by a jury of slapping a homeless man “speaks volumes”.

If it does what does the acquittal of OJ Simpson of fileting his wife and slicing and dicing the waiter speak to?

Further, the killing of a Black teenager by a homeowner  in Miami this week as he attempted to rob her house was condemned by his aunt. She said, “Where else he gonna get the money for clothes for school”.  Which particular volume was she addressing?

Please let me know.

Kevin Smith

March 23, 2016  

Congressman Alan Grayson

5842 South Semonum Blvd.

Orlando, FL 32822

RE: “I tremble when I remember that God is just.”

Congressman Grayson,

“Without terror there is no terrorism”

Today

You

I shuddered when I read that. There it is. There is nothing more that can be said, perhaps even thought. Talk about an ungildable lily!

A quick check of your CV reveals some impressive academic achievements. Let me add another. Even if there were no horses there still would be horses’ asses.

You are hereby proclaimed a perpetual, an eternal

HORSE’S ASS of the WEEK

This entitles you to wear a neon sign while you are riding backwards strapped to your saddle on a mule to be provided. The sign –both front and back – shall flash 

I AM A FRIGGIN’ MORON

Then I found out that your children are named Stone, Storm, Sage, Star, and Skye.  May I suggest that for a post-vasectomy gift to yourself you adopt a Syrian refugee and name him/her Sue?

I was going to send you a check for your campaign but I had already sealed the envelope when I remembered that I had forgotten to enclose it.  Sorry about that. Maybe next time, you putz.

Kevin Smith

March 23, 2016

Commissioner Tim Ryan

Broward County Commission

115 S. Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: “My contempt is not personal”

Commissioner Ryan,

Can you believe that I have found another summa cum laude graduate in Economics, this time from Harvard? I have, I have. Congressman Alan Grayson [D-FL]

Enclosed is a note I just sent to him.

How many like the pair of you are out there acting like public nuisances and “harassing our people and eating out their substance”? 

To Hell with teenage bullying and gender equity! We live in a time of limitless peril with a pair such as you out there hunting for prey.

Govern yourself accordingly.

Kevin Smith

March 21, 2016

Judge Geoffrey Gaulkin, Esq.

Special Counsel

Saiber LLC

18 Columbia Tpke #200

Florham Park, NJ  07932

RE: Hudson County – It never lets you down.

Judge Gaulkin,

,

“Breathes there a man with soul so dead who never to

Himself has said, “This is my own, my native land””?

My heart stirred this morning, not because of the vernal equinox, the welcoming of which is proclaimed by my favorite climatologist, Professor Vivaldi, but, rather, because of the video of the Easter Bunny at the Newport Mall in Jersey City, NJ dropping his paws and going to fist city with a dirt bag, either real or imagined, in a line waiting to take a picture of his child with said rabbit. 

How can you read Beckett or watch Seinfeld – Full disclosure requires me to tell you that I am the founder of the George Costanza School of Public Policy and Personal Propriety and yes, there are franchises available – when the friggin’ Easter bunny is delivering a knuckle sandwich to an [alleged] microagressor?

My letter to you of 2/13/16 [copy enclosed] called your attention to an open marker, said marker being unenforceable, entered into voluntarily by you and callable by me.

Truth be known, I never expected it to be honored.

I am loathe to construct a universal from a particular or even a plethora of particulars but my experience with living members of the Hudson County Bar Association would suggest that it may be time to offend Logic, the capstone of the Trivium and one of the crown jewels of Western Civilization.

On the other hand it is a de minimis matter resulting in “nothing lost save honor”.

Thus are we constantly reminded that “Honor is a gift we give ourselves”.

The last time I saw Jack Adams we spoke of childhood friends and where are the snows of yesteryear.

Should you wish to contact his widow here are the particulars.

Brenda Adams

Kevin Smith

PS – Speaking of things Judicial…The public ordeals, ordeals that were meaner than cat shit, of Judge Haynesworth, Judge Ginsberg. AG Gonzales, and, of course, Judge Bork cry out for a to quoque payback in re Judge Garland. Some things are owed to the ledger. The public behavior of Senator Reid and Senator Schumer should be a flogging offense. Biden, the buffoon Vice President, should have to wear a dunce’s  cap and a sign saying “I am a moron” and be pelted with bags of burning cat scat as he tries to figure out what to do with his thumbs.

March 21, 2016

Mayor Walter “Skip” Campbell, Esq.

City Hall

9551 W. Sample Road

Coral Springs, FL 33350

Mayor Campbell,

In yesterday’s mini Op-Ed section of the sun Sentinel you said you were ‘startled’ by the statistic that “43% of woman lawyers have experienced gender bias”. 

Can we assume that such a pernicious practice does not exist in your law firm?

Can we assume that it does not exist in City Hall?

Can we assume it does not exist in any schools in town? 

Hospitals? Post office? Publix? 

My daughter is a L&D R.N. Should I tell her that she is only paid 78% of what a male contemporary is?

Are you telling me that Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz is only paid 78% of what Congressman Alcee Hastings is? 

If Hillary is elected will her first executive decision be to get paid as much as Obama?

I see where the Department of Defense announced that the chicks are OK for combat. Should there be an aggressive affirmative Action program to end the gender gap at Arlington Cemetery?

Do you remember The Scarlet Pimpernel? “He’s here, he’s there, he’s everywhere” except nobody can quite put a finger on exactly where it’s at.

Send up a flare when you find an empirical example of it. You are an attorney. When you find it send up a flare and sue somebody’s ass. Fame and fortune await

Kevin Smith

PS – I contributed to the “Scooter” Libby Defense Fund partly because an adult should not have to bear a cognomen like that. Call me if you get indicted.

March 18, 2016

Commissioner Tim Ryan

Broward County Commission

115 S. Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: “Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” and why it is of critical importance that it be double-helixed into every card carrying, fire breathing, balloon juice dispensing, “Of course we can repeal gravity”, modern American Liberal.

Commissioner Ryan,

I am a bit long in the tooth to believe in the Easter Bunny but your letter of 3/15/16, a letter that took 3 days to travel 4 miles, brings back pleasant memories of a well-spent childhood. Alas, the only time I got the ears was when I had kids and would beat them to them.

I am glad to see that the Marianists prepared you well. Since I believe that modesty is an overrated virtue it is indeed fitting and proper for you to proclaim your degree in economics and that you were graduated summa cum laude. [Whether the degree is a B.S. or an A.B. is a subject for a different discussion]

As far as I can tell from your CV you have done nothing but 2 things in your adult life. A – You joined your father’s law firm. It is not known if your mother had anything to do with it and B – you welded yourself to any conveniently lactating public mammary for sustenance.

I was a History major with minors in English, Spanish, and Philosophy.

I know why Oedipus went to Colonnus. I know why Achilles stayed in his tent. My favorite female character in Literature is still Antigone. I know that “Free men speak with free tongues”. Of course Cicero was the noblest Roman of them all. A case can be made for the time of the 5 Emperors as, if we to believe Gibbon,  the best of all times. I mention that because 13 centuries after Christ walked on the earth an Italian chose “Halfway through my journey I found myself in the dark wood of error” as the opening line of his poem. I mention that because 13 centuries after Mohammed’s time on earth I wait in vain for an Islamic Dante. I know the difference between Caravaggio, Capicola, Chiaroscuro, and Cellini. I know that government does not give us rights since they are ours at birth, “gifts from beyond the stars”. Governments can either confirm them or deny them with it usually being the former. I know that the Constitutional Convention in 1787 was divinely inspired. I know that until the election of the great Reagan the United States government had done but 2 things superbly well in the 20^th century:  #1 – Fighting World War 2 and #2 – being the benign General Contractor on the moon shot. I know that I am told that this may finally be the year when the Summer of Revival arrives. I know that Obama makes me nostalgic – almost – for Carter.

And I know that in the 1980s I “created” more net new jobs than all the companies on the Dow Jones Industrial Average combined.

One of my avocations, in addition to depleting the ozone layer, trapping manatees, financing rainbow stew farms, fighting bullying of transgendered teens is debunking GlobalCooloingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDedstruction myths and the poltroons and scrolls that preach them, is recognizing public officials and figures when they do or say something truly egregious.

Since you have already won the HORSE’S ASS of the WEEK award it is with great pride and pleasure that I proclaim you POMPOUS FART of the MONTH and the gold standard for which all modern American Liberals aspire, viz;

SMARMY BASTARD of the YEAR

Wear your laurels proudly. You got them the old fashioned way:

You earned them

Kevin Smith

PS – As to economists….DeSoto speaks truth to power and I must tell you how I loooove saying that. Piketty is unreadable. Not since Marx has there been a bigger charlatan with a pen. It even surpasses the monumental 1972 Democratic platform. I couldn’t get 30 pages into it. Spontaneous strabismus and  my sparkling blue eyes going to a kaleidoscopic Rubik’s Cube pattern was the result. Maybe it should be held up to a mirror. Plus, I am never more than 5 feet from a copy of “The Road to Serfdom”. I am sure you know that Lord Keynes wrote to Hayek and told him “I was wrong and you were right”. You knew that, didn’t you?

If you don’t understand “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” send a SASE.

March 13, 2016

Kathleen Cannon – President

United Way of Broward County

RE: “Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought  a fool and open it and remove all doubt’ – Some comments on your puerile – non gender specific – comments on how to spend other peoples’ money and why you are the best one to do that as reported in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

Ms. Cannon,

You begin, in typical modern American Liberal fashion, with the unsustainable premise that making people less free will make them more free plus better to boot.

You mention the $5,000,000,000 to be spent on the 2016 campaign and how it would be better spent by altruistic ideologues – Anybody in mind? – on helping the poor, the old, the lame, and the bullied. I add that the overwhelming majority of that obscene $5,000,000,000 is given voluntarily with the major exception being the $ that unions extort from their members and give to their soul mates in the Democratic Party. 

We have been fighting the War on Poverty for 52 years. It is America’s longest war. It is longer than the Cold War against the Russkies. That one, beginning in 1946, ended in 1989 with the good guys winning.

If $5,000,000,000 gets your knickers knotted what will the $2,000,000,000,000 the country has spent on trying to make the poor less poor do to you?

The results are in.

Not only hasn’t it worked but, would you believe it, we have more poor people who are poorer now than they were before the war was started.

It would have been less destructive to the American body politick if we had taken the cash and burned it, of  course in an environmentally sensitive manner, as a stop gap measure for polar bear drowning fossil fuels. As soon as windmills and Solyndra catch on we’ll be free of this noxious stuff.

As a professional mendicant I applaud you for working for the minimum wage so as to have more money to help the undeserving poor. You have banned all A/Cs in your office, haven’t you? Think of the money saved on your FPL bill as yet more $ to help ungendered acne-laden bully wanabees. 

You end by saying “Just think of the impact that could be made in our country with those dollars.

Better yet, just think of the impact that has been made in our country with those dollars. 

In the holy season of Lent you are commanded to go and sin no more. For your penance begin by keeping your mouth shut.

Kevin Smith

March 14, 2016

Richard Barkett – CEO

Greater Fort Lauderdale Realtors

1765 NE 26^th Street

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33305-1438

RE: “Affordable Housing” – Some comments on your real estate musings in Sunday’s mini Op-Ed section in the unlinkable Sun Sentinel’

Mr. Barkett, 

To paraphrase Governor Cuomo pere, “Whenever I hear the term ‘Affordable Housing’ I reach for my revolver”.

Full disclosure demands that I tell you that in my other life I was an expert witness on the Federal Court level on federally secured mortgages.

VA, FHA, Sections 221D4, 234, 235, 236 inter alia.

Did you know that you could get Federal financing for a golf course if it were adjacent to a nursing home that had an FHA mortgage guarantee? I’ll bet you did.

You bemoan the fact that none of the candidates is talking about “affordable housing”. I say Deo Gracias for small blessings.

Weren’t we told a few years ago that our health insurance premiums were going to go down by $200 a month? And do you expect the same people in charge of that cock-up to run affordable housing? Jeezus Haitch Keerist! If you were a broad you’d always be preggers.

With the exception of the White House would anyone voluntarily live in public housing in D.C.?

You’re in the real estate business. Do you know where I can get a safe Section 8 apartment? One where I can have my granddaughters visit? One where you would have your granddaughters visit?

You mention “Affordable Housing” as if it just around the block, as if only a few good men, men of good will and better intentions can make it happen. History suggests otherwise.

Like an expensive yacht – Are there any other kind? – Affordable housing has 2 great days. Day 1 is when you open it. Day 2 is when you close it down and blow it up because you couldn’t pay Syrian refugees to live in it.

Here’s what I know. When the government interferes in a functioning marketplace chaos results. It is a History of abject, dismal failure. We have has the Departments of Energy and Education for almost 40 years. Johnny still can’t read and those ohmadahns in Washington would have to set themselves on fire to produce one kilowatt of electricity.

If you were to put them in charge of the beach they would be importing sand in 6 months. 

Edmund burke was right when he said “Experience is the only school at which some people will learn”. Why must the myth of Affordable Housing be exempt?

Kevin Smith

PS – On a more personal level either get a new dentist or get a new photographer. It looks like you got those choppers at a garage sale.

March 13, 2016

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Some comments on your unlinkable column in today’s Sun Sentinel in which you say as bad as Trump is, and G-d knows but he is bad, he isn’t Hitler, at least not yet.. Also, thanks for telling me about all the Muslims who fought and died for this country.

That’s right. “Goose stepping” will bring back, if ever so sensitively, the inconvenient truth, that mind numbed mAL boobs  once thought Hitler was an OK guy. Ask Little Stein, your perpetual college student son if he can find any first-hand accounts of what American Progressives did from August 22, 1939 to June 21, 1941. It will make for interesting reading, particularly for those who have never heard of it.

Get Little Stein going on the book entitled “Military Muslims – Who says only Baptists are the only ones who can die for their country?” Tell me where to send a donation for the Muslim memorial at Arlington National Cemetery. By the by, how many Muslim names are etched in stone in the Granit Garden there? Just a ball park figure will do.

I mention this because my just arrived Texas granddaughters have relatives who fought with Washington – George, not Denzell – in the Continental Army in 1778.

I had 2 cousins who came from Ireland to fight in the Irish Brigade, AKA The New York 69^th Regiment, at Gettysburg. One of them is still there, “wrapped in his faded coat of Blue”. He has been there since July 2, 1863.

My wife’s father was a surgeon who, despite the Kellogg-Briand Pact and the Washington Naval Arms Limitation Treaty spent his time in Navy avoiding the Japanese for 6 months and the Germans for 2 years.

I had 3 classmates, 2 teammates, and 1 fraternity brother who died in Vietnam..

I mention this because I am unable to find any Farouks, Abduls, or Baracks on any of the duty rosters. 

I was unable to attend the burial of my first cousin at Arlington last year. He retired as a Navy CPO – that’s Chief Petty Officer – with 30 years active duty and a DD214 that reads like a Tom Clancy novel.

Speaking of Trump’s lack of military experience haw about Bernie Sanders? I know he would have loved to have fought in the Abraham Lincoln Brigade against Franco if for no other reason than he could have strangled George Orwell. Franco? Orwell? Have Little Stein add them to his list.

You say that Trump wants to “alter the First Amendment”. Pray tell, why do all the dim witted mALs – as if there are any other kind - opposed to the Supreme Court decision that affirmed free speech, particularly political speech? I can see them trying to stifle the Koch Brothers but why do they want to silence George Soros and Tom Steyer?

What’s the sense of being an ink stained modern American Liberal wretch unless you can mention FDR?

Did you mean the candidate who ran in 1932 promising to avoid deficit spending and vowing to balance the budget? Look it up.

Did you mean the President who repeatedly promised American mothers that he would “never send American boys to fight in foreign wars”? Look it up.

Did you mean the President who 6 years into his reign was running a country that was in worse financial shape than it was the day he was sworn in? Look it up.

Did you mean the President who prevented 900 Jews from getting off the ship Saint Louis in 1939? He sent them back to Germany where they were put on the express train to Auschwitz. Todt Juden is OK if you are a modern American Liberal, right”

But wait. There’s more.

Tell me about Poppa Joe Kennedy, America’s favorite corsair. That he was anti-Semite, Nazi lover who while he was the Ambassador to England was no mean feat. He set the bar for personal propriety so high that took his sons 7 decades to equal it. Look it up.

How is Trump responsible when Occupy Wall Street protestors, thugs who thought it was an acceptable form of political speech to take their pants down and shit in the streets of lower Broadway in Manhattan, curse at him?

Gots to go.

The alarm in my manatee trap just went off. Fresh sushi tonight!

KEVIN SMITH

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

March 6, 2016

Chris Matthews

MSNBC – Hard Ball

RE:: Why I don’t like you and why you need a Texas-sized ass whupping plus some Roman Catholic “inside baseball” stuff.

Mr. Matthews,

I stumbled on to your 5:00 PM newscast. I would rather fondle a rabid Tasmanian Devil then voluntarily go to your program. Your lead was the death of Nancy Reagan. I stayed. Yuuuuge mistake.

You segued seamlessly a la the style book of modern American Liberal TV journalism into a modern American Liberal shibboleth.

“Wasn’t it great”, you said, how Tip and the Gipper were able to lay aside their differences and save Social Security before, so help me God but you then said the following,  “ending the Cold War peacefully”. 

You actually said that.

You were sitting down so I couldn’t see if your pants burst into flames. They should have. You should have looked like Dresden after the US Army Mighty 8^th Air Force and Bomber Harris’s RAF came calling.

I suggest that the Strategic Defense Initiative – Star Wars, if you will – will prove my point.

When the Great Reagan proposed it a little known fact was kept from the American public by the modern American Liberal bum kissing, lap dog toads who ruled the media then. [How can we ever repay the debt owed, first to Rush Limbaugh, and them to Matt Drudge? Alas, the fix was in before they turned the world upside down.]

At least 7 Congressional Democrats suffered serious injuries, including a torn meniscus, 2 ruptured patellar tendons, 4 cases of epicondylitis, multiple macular piuckers, and a slew of STDs. This all came about in the stampede to get to any live microphone attached to a TV camera with a blinking red light.

They elbowed each other like the pros on the 2^nd floor of Bergdorf-Goodman did when the cashmere sweaters went on sale.

They spoke as one. 

It couldn’t, it would never work. That was the task given to the “useful idiots; in public life, in academe, and the media.

  Worse, there were serious modern American Liberal defenders – Think of the “Dear Commandante” letters to Latin ladrones – who said it shouldn’t work. 

Clio, the Muse in charge of History, always seeks a balance. The Democrats, the New York Times, and all the major TV networks would not have pissed on SDI if it burst into flames. There were several believers: Gorbachev, the Politburo and the entire Russkie general staff. Game, set, and match to the “amiable dunce” as Clark Clifford, the consummate DC insider, as meretricious and mendacious a man who ever prowled a Democratic Oval Office, called Ronaldus Magnus. 

[A word or two about Clark Clifford. He may or may not have known the law. He sure as Hell knew the Judges and the Secretaries and the guys in DC who oozed “juice”. He was a fixer, a clean-up guy with a law degree. He was made the Chairman of the Board of BCCI, the Bank of Commerce and Credit. Its business model was simple: First, they would steal a hot stove. Then they would take the coins off a dead man’s eyes. They would cook them on the hot stove and then sell the eyes and the stove for cash. I would like to say that 35% of it was owned by the Corleone family but that would be defaming all Sicilians. It was 35% owned by Abdul, Farouk, maybe Bin Laden, and Fatima. The Swiss were not involved. Clifford testified before Congress that he did not know that more than a third of his stockholders had no fixed addresses. It was a public company. Among other things he had to do was oversee the annual report and the 10K. When you sign those documents, as I have, you do so under the rules governing perjury and fraud. His defense, “I am a horse’s ass who could get lost on a ladder”, worked. I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that he probably held markers on all of his accusers.

At the very least this smarmy bastard should have been strapped to a mule and made to wear a dunce’s cap while honest grifters and hookers threw flaming bags of cat scat at him for giving their professions a bad name. Strong note to follow.]

Didn’t Toss Pot Ted, AKA Senator Lard, Tip’s favorite drinking buddy, send an illegal letter to the  Politburo telling them to relax because when the Democrats got back into power – Didn’t Obama say the same thing to Putin’s stooge? – it would be back to the good old days of Alger Hiss and Senator Fulbright? He did. You can look it up. 

Do you think tip and Fatso had a few cocktails on the trips back to Boston? I could answer by asking “Is the Pope Catholic?” but the jury would be split on the matter.

What did Tip say to his good friend the Gipper when he told Gorby to shove Glasnost and Perestroika so far up his arse that his back teeth could chew on them? Did he say, “Nice show, Ron.”

My brother the hunchback will straighten up if he did.

Reagan was right when he said his Cold War policy was simple: We win, they lose. Reagan was right when he told America that there was bear in the woods. He also said, much to the chagrin of fellow-travelling modern American Liberals, that the bear meant to do us harm.

Tip was wrong. Fritz was wrong. You were wrong.

Let me revise and extend my previous remarks.

You don’t need a Texas-sized ass whupping. You need a lot of them. 2 or 3 times a week. Every week.

Like Ulysses of old “I am not now that strength which in old days moved earth and heaven”. Even though I would be busier than the one-legged man in the ass kicking contest I would kick yours so hard you would have to take your socks down to take a dump.

RIP Nancy Reagan and may flights of angels accompany her home.

For the sake of my soon arriving granddaughters some things are owed to the ledger.

Do not piss on my back and tell me it’s rain.

Sincerely,

From a fellow Irish Catholic Peace Corps Volunteer

Kevin Smith

PS – About that RC “inside baseball” stuff….You took a lot of well-deserved criticism when you talked, “tumescently”, about Obama giving you a “tingle up your leg”. You looked past the simple fact that he had never worked a day in his life, that he was a
community organizer”, that he was “clean and articulate”, that he got his wife’s employer a $1,000,000 earmark and that they, according to the Cook County/Chicago Rules of Governance gave her a $4,000 a week raise, the fact that he spent 20 year listening to sermons from a man at least as bigoted as Senator Ervin, Senator Sparkman, and Senator Gore. These things didn’t bother you because as modern American Liberal you had finally found Sarx Logo, Word made Flesh. Vatican 2 Catholics are uncomfortable talking about things like that. A Black man who wore acutely creased pants was all you needed to pledge obedience and obeisance. When he leaves the White House a lucrative career awaits you. 1-800-Indulgence. It ain’t easy being a “whited sepulcher”. Maybe that’s why you spit a lot.. Slainte

March 6, 2016

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Remembrance, sort of, of years past. Some comments on your column about the good old days of 1967 as put forth by you in your unlinkable column in today’s Sun Sentinel.

Big Stein, 

“Spring Break, Woodstock, and the Yankees

Winning the world series every year…”

The Sun Sentinel

Today

Tim Schiavone – the subject of your column

Somebody is still drinking a lot of beer. Maybe some Mary Jane. The last place that made LSD legally was 7 miles from where I lived in New Jersey. Due West on Route 10.

P.J. O’Rourke, the noted American sage, said that his fondest memory of Woodstock was the clap.

Also, the Yankees lost 90 games in 1967, finishing 9th in the Eastern Division. 9^th is a bit better than 10^th. If they played by English Premier League rules they wouldn’t have been in the American League in 1968.

But who can forget “Hey, hey LBJ! How many kids did you kill today”?

Remember Vietnam? That was Johnson’s other war. At least this one ended. Didn’t Johnson promise never to send American boys to fight in a foreign war? Wait a minute! Isn’t that what FDR and Woodrow Wilson said? You betcha’. There may be a pattern there.

One of my favorite quotes was Johnson saying “they can’t bomb a shit house without my OK”.

You’re right about having to listen to Donald and Ted and Mario.

Should God punish us further by letting Hillary be elected there will be a run on battery powered ice picks. It will be the surest way to stop having to listen to the shrillest Hecate in Christendom

If Bernie should win the first three rows of his press conferences will look like the first 3 rows of a Gallagher concert.

I am still waiting for you to tell me whether you approve/disapprove of Israel hanging Eichmann. Also, has Little Stein found out if it’s Ok to read Wordsworth again? Have the Chick-Lit Word Police removed their fatwa?

Get back to me, OK?

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

March 6, 2016

Katy Sorenson

Good Government Initiative

RE: Fracking, tourism, and the seemingly contradictory fact that there are more horses’ asses that there are horses’ heads. Some thoughts on your proof of the above in today’s unlinkable mini Op-Ed in the sun Sentinel.

MS Sorenson,

If you were to lighten your hair I could have a field day with blonde jokes.

I fracked my first well 200 miles south of where the Dolphins won their last Super Bowl.

“They need to appreciate that ours is an economy based

 on tourism, which is based on the environment.”

The Sun Sentinel

Today 

You

Here’s a plan that the environmentally sensitive touring public can support.

Boycott electricity that comes from “fracked’ oil and gas wells.

Do hotels really need air conditioning particularly if it causes harm to the environment? At the very least, hotels must turn off its A/Cs for the same percentage of time as the percentage of power that comes from “fracked” oil and gas wells. Maybe Solyndra can help fill the gap. Bovine eructations and orvine and porcine flatulence might help. You go, girl!

You say that some legislators have to look up the meaning of the word “stewardship”.

OK, but you have to look up the meaning of the term “modern American Liberal horse’s ass. Wait a minute. Don’t look it up. Just look in a mirror.

Kevin Smith

March 6, 2016

Commissioner Tim Ryan

Broward County Commission

115 S. Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL33301

RE: Congratulations! Fracking, Nullification, and you in today’s unlinkable mini Op-Ed in the Sun Sentinel.

Commissioner Ryan,

Let me do away with the genteel foreplay reasoned discourse. 

I read you quarter-assed quasi polemic on “fracking’ and can come to but one conclusion.

You are a HORSE’S ASS of Titanically Brobdanaglian proportions and dimensions. Call the Guinness Book of Records. Immortality awaits. Your picture will be the only definition needed. Your picture will set a standard to which all horses’ ass wanabees can aspire.

One of the great advantages of being a modern American Liberal is that truth and inconvenient facts are never allowed to interfere with the victim-villain scenario without which the Democrat Party would flat line.

I must tell you that I ‘fracked” my first well in January, 1974. I and the Republic have both survived.

Let’s start with the obvious.

“Fracking” is expensive. It is best done where Mother Nature gives you a sporting chance. Shale – Bakken, Marcellus, Eagle Ford, underneath the Austin Chalk, Clinton, inter alia – is where you go. It’s like hunting where the ducks are. Shale, si. Limestone, no.

An example of the typical Modern American Liberal conflation of correlation and causation is ignoring the inconvenient fact, the “turd in the punch bowl”, the “look at me because I ain’t going away” is that cheap gasoline and the exporting of domestic American natural gas, a thing undreamed of 10 years ago did not come about because of any Obama energy policies or Solyndra or Cash for Clunkers or any of the nit-witted, flap doodle Malthusian Luddite balderdash that passes for energy policy today.

It came about when high prices created the atmosphere in the marketplace that rewarded the technology that came to be without any help from the Department of Energy.

[Here is a truism with which I am certain that you are not familiar. 2 things  happen when the price of any commodity spikes. #1 – The marginal user is priced out of the marketplace and #2 – new supplies come into the marketplace. Put differently, if eggs go to $10 a dozen the rooster lays. Look it up.]

$1.71 unleaded regular and American LNG being exported to Rotterdam came about because of fracking.

 Some unseen benefits of falling energy prices are the fiscal restraint on Putin and his adventures, the introduction of Iranian oil as a further drag on the market, and the coming collapse of Venezuela, AKA Bernie Sanders’s Socialist Paradise.

If the beneficial effects of fracking upset you I suggest that you turn off all the A/Cs in your office and demand that anyone who works for your use only public transportation getting to and from work.

Simple, isn’t it?

When you finish your cram sessions on geology and petroleum engineering you take a peek at Nullification. Proponents of it felt so strongly about it that they fought over it. The Civil War.

Look that one up, you boob.

Kevin Smith