Chelsea Clinton

March 31, 2008

Chelsea Clinton

@Clinton for President

4420 North Fairfax Drive

Arlington, VA 22203

RER: Time to ‘man up’, Sweetie

Ms. Clinton,

You are 27/28 years old. You went to some expensive schools. I believe you work for a hedge fund. It’s long past the time that you can go on national TV like you just rode in on a turnip truck from Bug Fug, Arkansas.

I admire the willingness of any child to stand up for their parents. Yours may be about 3 bricks over the regular load That’s not your fault; that’s theirs

Your dad, AKA “The King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes”, at least had a picaresque quality about him. Your mom, AKA “The Queen of Publically Abused and Humiliated Wives of the ‘90s”, has a tougher row to hoe. I know it’s unfair but “life is unfair”. If you want to know how unfair life can be see if your mom can channel – that’s how she contacted Eleanor Roosevelt, remember? – Ricky Ray Rector. He’s the Brother your parents wired up, juiced up, and then your Mom gave him a lap dance to quiet him prior to lighting him up to prove that your dad was “tough” on crime. He’s still dead so he should be easy to find.

You may want to ask your mom about the time sales language she put in the sales contracts for the Whitewater Development Company. What that meant is that if Rufus Redneck missed one payment your Mom could foreclose on the property. Actually “foreclose” is not the right word. “Repo”, like when the finance company hooks your car or takes back the A/C, is more appropriate. Your Mom, if memory serves, was one of the country’s 100 best lawyers, wasn’t she? Maybe it was one of the country’s 100 smartest lawyers. Either way she knew that foreclosure would be time consuming and an expensive process. Plus, there was a Judge and due process and something called the Rule of Law. Who knew what could happen? This way was cheaper and quicker.

Now it makes perfect sense to see why your Mom told Maggie Williams, and doesn’t she give calorically challenged people a bad name, to work for that sub-prime mortgage company. What’s the sense of working with poor people unless you can abuse them and make a good buck off said abuse? Besides, doesn’t the Gospel say that “the poor you will have with you always”? Did you ever stop and think what would happen to your parents’ political party if they didn’t have poor people to pander to. Adios, Redneck!

As long as you have her attention ask her how she can stiff the medical insurance companies and not have them cancel those policies for her workers? I think maybe the companies were worried what would happen to them if your mom became President. That’s how people think in the real world.

That apparently is a world with which you are not familiar.

I guess your parents were able to send you to private school in Washington because they never paid a cent in rent for the 8 years that they were in the White House. The downside of that was that you missed out on the toughening up process that every other kid living in public housing in Washington, D.C. gets as a birthright. Part of that process is attending the really fine public schools in the nation’s capitol.

You were right in telling that nasty guy that the deal you’re father had with zoftig Monica was “none of his business”. If you had gone to Anacostia or Eastern High School you would have known that hummers were “no big deal”. They are just a way of saying “Hello, big guy!”

What is a “big deal”, however, is your lack of knowledge about the Constitution of the United States.

Your father, at the urging of his Vice President, Alpha Gump, signed the Kyoto Accords.

If he wanted it to have the force of law, according to the Constitution, he would have had to submit it to the Senate for its advice and consent.

HE DIDN’T.

What possible wrong could President Bush have done? Each President can revoke the Executive Orders of his predecessor with his pen and a flick of his wrist. In keeping with the season of March Madness, “No Harm, No Foul”. He looked at the Kyoto Accords and said, absent it being the law, “I will not bind this country to the ukases of Lysenko wanabees and Luddite impersonators”.

You may want to ask him why he never submitted it to the Senate. That famous English camel jockey and noted multi-culturalist, T.E. Lawrence, said, “Not much can be gained from a sure win but there is much to be won from a sure loss”.

Maybe he was “distracted”. Maybe your Mom was practicing her “serpentine” exits from hostile landing zones.

Speaking of dangerous situations and gunfire and hostile intentions and going” into harm’s way”, you were 16 years old when the skirmish at Tuzla took place.

What the Hell were you doing there?

More importantly, who sent you there?

If you had gone to either Eastern or Anacostia High School you would have been very familiar with gun fire. You could have told your Mom that she couldn’t stop and chat while that girl recited her poetry. You would have told her to haul ass out of there.

You said that “the world will breathe a sigh of relief” when President Bush leaves the White House.

That may be so but at least the EPA won’t have to ask for volunteers to wear Haz-Mat suits like when they tented and fumigated the joint after you and your parents left. My favorite picture of your Mom & Dad is when they were carrying the hot stove out the kitchen door of the White House towards the Mayflower Truck. They personified an emptiness of spirit and soul that made the White House less than a symbol of what can be good. They cheapened the psyche of the nation.

You prove my father’s point that “acorns never fall far from the tree”.

One last thing about your family.

Send my regards to your mom’s mom. Anybody smart enough to name her daughter after a hatchet faced New Zealander who raised bees 5 years before he climbed Mt. Everest is OK in my book.

How are your uncles doing? Particularly the one who owes a ton of dough in child support. Maybe if your Mom gets to be President she can let him sell some more pardons. The family that grifts together stays together.