Joan Vennochi, The Boston Globe

April 20, 2008

Joan Vennochi

The Boston Globe

135 Morrissey Boulevard

Boston, MA 02125

RE: Decisions, Decisions – Senator B. Hussein Obama as Chauvin or, at least, George M. Cohan – A gee whiz take on the rocky road that awaits Pastor Wright’s favorite parishioner as he tries to convince bitter, gun-totin’, snake handling NASCAR fans not to believe the evidence of their own eyes but send him to the White House anyway.

Ms. Vennochi,

Through skill and cunning I was able to get the home addresses of all the Democratic Super Delegates from Florida. I was going to rent safe deposits boxes in their names next Friday. I was going to put a 2 pound snook into each one. Also included, in a random pattern, would be either a picture of Big Bill Clinton, King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes, or Michele Obama, AKA Vonda VaVoom, in her video entitled “My Life on the Pole”. The idea was that the fish would ripen over the weekend and the boxes would have to be drilled open by Monday afternoon in time for the 6:00 PM local news. Bill the Galoot would talk about his famous Oval Office blue veiners that even Socks couldn’t scratch & Vonda would have that great picture of her with her feet behind her ears learning to speak Eyetie.

Big Bill would talk about hummers in the Oval Office, perjury, and how he’s pretty sure the sniper on the tarmac at Tuzla wasn’t an Arkansas State Trooper. Snappy Dish Michele could talk about the $4,000 a week raise that she got when her husband was elected to the United States Senate. No glass ceilings for her, right?

It was either the above or some TLC on my hackle crop, such crop that I raise as lovingly as befitting its international status.

Your column precluded both.

Your talk about Wee Mikey in the 1988 Presidential campaign as if he were part of the Oedipus Trilogy as opposed to just another pol reaching for the big Brass Ring. The picture of him in the tank trying to raise endives was my favorite until 2004 when Senator Jay Forbes Kerry decided to put on a white bunny suit to become better acquainted with indigenous foxes.

[Did Senator B. Hussein Obama, “Hussy” to his friends, actually, Honest Injun, cross your heart, say “Zounds, but has anybody else been to Whole Foods and seen the price of arugula”? Endives and arugula – perfect together]

Say this for modern American Liberals. They really, I mean really, really, think no one remembers anything.

You say “the GOP turned Dukakis into a civil-liberties loving elitist who let convicted felons free to strike again”.

Uh…I hate to be the turd in the punch bowl but he did, didn’t he? I mean like WOW but truth is still a valid defense against libel, isn’t it?

Unless Lee Atwater, chock-a-block filled with stuffed envelopes, envelopes stuffed with untraceable Benjamins provided by Halliburton, bribed a couple of dozen Massachusetts prison officials Willie Horton was “furloughed” on Governor Dukakis’s watch with the Governor’s knowledge and approbation.

If memory serves he went from Massachusetts to Maryland where he raped and murdered again.

Here’s the best part.

It wasn’t Vice President Bush who told the country about this. It was Tennessee Senator Albert Arnold Gore who did. Candidate Gore, 4 years away from being known as Vice President Alpha Gump, told us all about Willie Boy during the Democratic Primary in March, 1988.

Look it up.

[There is a rumor that Willie Horton’s cousin, Ricky Ray Rector, wanted him to come to Arkansas. See if you can find out about that.]

It’s been more than two decades since Willie’s last Odyssey, a memorably wonderful adventure. Isn’t he due for another one soon?

You say “in 2000 George W. Bush never fully answered questions about how he got a coveted spot in the Texas Air National Guard…” I hope, if your do research on this irksome question, that you don’t use the Dan Rather Facts Don’t Matter methodology. It’s been found to be flawed fatally.

Speaking of the 2000 election see if you can find out how Senator Bradley got his “coveted spot in the New Jersey Air National Guard”? President Bush at least took a pilot’s risk every time he flew an F-104 and went to afterburners. Private Bradley, despite an Ivy League degree and a Master’s degree from Oxford, chose to be a “wing wiper”. His biggest risk was driving down the Garden State Parkway. You may wish to see if David “Sonny” Werblin used his considerable Jersey Juice to get his employee, New York Knickerbocker small forward “Mumbles” Bradley, his “coveted spot in the New Jersey Air National Guard”.

You say that the Democratic candidate in 2004, Madcap Gypsy Lady Teresa’s boy toy, was “Swiftboated”. Would that be the equivalent of being “Borked” or does it depend on whose Gore is being oxed?

All he had to do was release his DD214 and the brouhaha would have been over. If he’s not mountain biking or windsurfing maybe you could ask him.

Hillary the Hecate, despite 35 years of getting ready to assume what is owed her, looked pretty stupid with the shot glass in her hand. Stupid is a harsh word. Insultoing if better. Her husband would have told her to say the equivalent of “I didn’t inhale”. Alas, he wasn’t there. I think he was lobbying for Colombia.

Caitlin, my oldest granddaughter, was 6 years old the first time she bowled. Her score was 65 through 8 frames. Maybe she should run for Pope.

There are things that we can all look forward to this summer.

#1 – Aaron Copland’s Theme for the Common Man. Ad nauseam.

#2 – Some dead rock star singing about a new day coming.

#3 – Lachrymose caterwauling from elitists who should be flogged.

Starting with you I have assigned myself the enviable task of enforcing #3.

Two dozen well laid on for starters.

Then, on to bastinado.