Chris Matthews

December 24, 2008

Chris Matthews
MSNBC Hardball
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, New York 10112

RE: Congratulations!

Mr. Matthews,

“I feel this thrill going up my leg.
I don’t have that too often.”
You
On the occasion of having the shadow
Of the Chosen One fall upon you.

Hardball implies that there is a pitcher and that there is a catcher.

If you don’t have that “thrill going up my leg too often” may I suggest a change in seating arrangements? Monica Lewinsky on one side and Barney Frank on the other. As that noted political sage, Woody Allen, often said, “Being a switch hitter doubles your chances of hooking up on a Saturday night”.

I hate to trivialize your lack of blue veiners, a condition relieved by B. Obama, one of Governor Blago’s good friends, but, Crikey, that was a dumb thing to say. Just for saying it in public you have won a much sought after award.

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

It’s a noble laurel that is not given lightly.

But wait. There’s more.

Because you didn’t try to walk that statement back by saying something like “Zounds but that was a dumb thing to say. Only a horse’s ass would say something like that. What was I thinking? If my grandfather were here he would kick my ass so hard I’d have to take my socks down to take a dump”.

Like the clap is a symbol wretched excess what I said is an example of what modern American Liberals would like to say but don’t. Usually your persiflage is particularly obufscatory unless your talking about President Bush or a United States Senate seat from Illinois.

For not trying to apologize for sharing the latent tumescence caused by President Bambi with everybody in Christendom you have won another award.

POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH

With those two in hand and with a shortage of Irish Catholic award winners it was not such a great leap to give you the third and highest award.

You have earned this for two reasons:

#1 – You have been in the same room with noted troll Keith Doberman on several occasions. Why you have not him between the eyes, repeatedly, with the little hatchet that you keep in your ditty bag is beyond me.
#2 – Albert Hunt, another modern American Liberal rotter, made a gallant dash in the stretch for year end honors. Alas, he came up short. He told that us that one of the things that made Mrs. Schlossberg a serious contender for the United States Senate was that “she hails her own cab”. Next he’ll tell us that she picks her own nose and scratches her own ass. The Senate, a place where former KuKluxKlan member Bobby “Beat them Nigras” Byrd can rise to a position of leadership, a place where Harrison Williams [D-NJ] and Robert Torricelli [D-NJ] were figures of envy, needs people of gravitas, people with achievements beyond being President of the Lucky Sperm Club.

You have been consistent; both with your offensive to Logic statements and with your use of spittle as dangerous weapon, as a spokesman for mush brained, power crazed modern American Liberals. That, coupled with the one common denominator of mALs, “non-malodorous fecal matter”, earned you the highest honor.

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR





PS – In the words of Governor Blago, the charming Mrs. Governor Blago, and that noted secular humanist and semi-tough a guy as he thinks, Rahmbo Oh Come Emmanuel, “Go Fuck Yourself”