Ellen Goodman, Washington Post

December 19, 2008

Ellen Goodman
The Washington Post Writers Group
1150 15th Street NW
Washington, DC 20071

RE: You made it! A last minute addition to the highly coveted year end honors list

Ms. Goodman,

Sloth is the only reason for not naming you earlier. Mine; not yours. Your columns are so predictably bird brainish, so offensive to Logic, and so inimical to History that I stopped reading them lest I injure my eyes.

While waiting for my post operative purgative to kick in I began reading your column. I was, as Shaw [GB, not Bernard] once said, “in the smallest room in the house. Your column is in front of me. Soon it will be behind me.” The ultimate in recycling!

The Miami Herald titled your column “A Fine Senator in the Making”.

You say that “if life were fair…the first Kennedy woman to achieve high office would have been Kathleen Kennedy Townsend”.

Earth to Ellen. Earth to Ellen. She is a dolt. Do you remember when the Baltimore Ravens won the Super Bowl? She came out of the stadium gushing about how when we “scored a football and then they scored a football we scored another football”. Stupid, bordering on world class dumb. Maybe life is fair after all. Since Mrs. Schlossberg shares a significant number of genes as Mrs. Townsend maybe she is just as dumb.

I am told that she raised money to support public schools in New York City. Would you know if any of her children went to those particular public schools? In fact, would you know if any of her children ever went to any public schools?

The media spent thousands of work hours trying to find something, anything, about Sarah Palin, her family, and her husband’s family that would suggest she was not what she seemed to be.

May I suggest some questions for Mrs. Schlossberg?

#1 – You’ve been a lawyer in Manhattan for 25 years. How would you get to the Tombs?
#2 – The first job your Uncle Bobby had was working as Counsel to Senator Joseph McCarthy. Do you like what he did?
#3 – Your father’s father supported Hitler. Would you care to comment on that?
#4 – Why did you fail to vote in most of the elections held since you registered in Manhattan in 1988?
#5 – Your father supported huge tax cuts for business and individuals. Do you?
#6 – WAL*MART or Costco. Which store do you prefer?
#7 – Your father said that “we will pay any price or bear any burden in defense of freedom.” Do you agree with that?
#8 – When you were in Buffalo did you have beef on wick or fried baloney?
#9 – Uncle Teddy cheated in college. Did you?

Your final sentence is a modern American Liberal classic.

“You are choosing the emblem of a generation – and maybe a country –
coming back to life. Public life.”

Angels trumpeting “Ask not what your country can do for you…” are offset by the great Dr. Johnson’s description of second marriages, a not necessarily inappropriate analogy I might add. “It is the triumph of hope over experience.”

You say she is “coming home to the family business”. If History is a guide can we look forward to another Vietnam, another series of wire taps on civil rights leaders, and orvine sexual proclivities?

For these particular sins and for myriad past offenses against the common good you are hereby awarded the following honors:

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH
SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

Is twit gender specific or is it universal? Either way you share it with the next Chosen One.



PS – If she gets back to Buffalo tell her that she shouldn’t order Cosmopolitans if she winds up in the Anchor Bar.