Ana Menendez, The Miami Herald

April 30, 2008

Ana Menendez

The Miami Herald

One Herald Plaza

Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: If you expect me to say “Don’t do it. You’re too young”, I won’t. The only possible conclusion that can be drawn from your column in today’s Miami Herald on sprawl and carbon footprints and icky people intruding on your space is drawn.

Ms. Menendez,

“The vote to expand the Urban Development Boundary was a

travesty. As I drove back against the great tide, I wondered,

is it too late to save us?”

You’re right. It is too late. For you. You can’t be saved. I am staying at the table. Even if the wheel is crooked, even if life is always 6 to 5 against, it is still the only game in town. The cards are dealt. You either play the hand or you don’t. I’m playing.

“What Is To Be Done” is the title of a snappy little tract by Lenin, that noted social activist.

Dostoevsky has one of his characters get right up to the edge of despair. He looks over and finding no other alternative jumps in. He kills himself. Having become a Logical imperative it left him no other choice.

If it is “to late”, is we can’t “save” the environment, if polar bears drown, if we can’t save Tibet, if manatees continue to belly board into whirling propellers, if teenage obesity expands, if Mrs. B. Hussein Obama can’t be “proud” of her country – God but the horror of it all is too much to bear.

If the prospect of Miami being underwater or tomato pickers not being able to get a good retirement program or having too many plastic bags forces you to look behind the curtain may I suggest that you place the open end of a 6 inch barrel large caliber revolver as far into your mouth as you can. You’ll only have to pull the trigger once. I recommend a revolver because even a chick should be able to do it right the first time. Semi-automatic weapons can jam in untrained girlie hands.

While you are selecting your final outfit I’ll be reading William Faulkner’s Nobel Prize Acceptance speech. I’ll pay particular attention to the part about man “prevailing”. I’ll think about Eliot and his thoughts on man “searching for a system so perfect that no one has to be good”. I’ll complete my Nobel Prize winning trifecta by tossing Kipling, the first truly multi-cultural poet, into the mix who said “they denied that the Moon was Stilton; they denied she was even Dutch. They denied that wishes were horse; they denied that a pig had wings. So we worshipped the Gods of the Market Who promised these beautiful things.”

As soon as I read your name in the obituary section I will make a contribution in your name to the National Right to Life Committee. The only condition I impose is that your body be carried to the middle of Alligator Alley by an environmentally sensitive method and that your remains become part of the food chain.

I’ll check the obits first from now on.

PS – Again the question of why nobody ever swims to Cuba is raised. Again it goes unanswered.

Sen. Carl Levin

April 27, 2008

Senator Carl Levin

30500 Van Dyke - #206

Warren, MI 48039-2109

RE: G-d Damn! A United States Senator – you – as an opening act for a Jew Hating poltroon.

Senator Levin,

Who says I miss the old days?

Thanks to the wonders of satellite TV and/or the Internet, and I for one can never thank that big galoot, Albert Arnold Gore, enough for inventing the Internet, I saw you at the NAACP convention in Detroit. I think you took your rhythm lessons from Steve Martin in “The Jerk” or Gene Wilder in “Silver Streak”. This is a subtle Caucasian way of saying that Mr. Bojangles or Mr. Interloculator have no worries about being added to Detroit’s 15% unemployment rate by you. Try to keep your day job.

A brief digression.

I don’t know how big the room was that you were doing your shtick in. I think the mung you use to keep your comb over in place could be an environmental hazard, particularly in a small room. My Michigan sources tell me that you staple worms to your head to get birds to fly over it. I say birds because last month you auditioned for the role of Saint Francis of Assisi. Oh well, that’s show biz.

The problem with a guy named Levin being the opening act for a guy named Wright is that, in this particular case, it was wrong.

If my memory serves me correctly the last American African-American to have absolutely no ambivalent feelings about Jews was Sammy Davis, Jr.

Farrakhan, Kaddafi, “gutter religion”, B. Hussein Obama, “God Damn America”, “the U.S. of KKK”, “hook nosed diamond merchants”, Israeli apartheid, and you up on the stage, in full modern American Liberal mind set, doing your best Kumbaya imitation. God’s Holy Trousers, but if I could turn that hypocritical moment into unleaded regular I would drive the pump price down by a half a buck a gallon.

Permit me a paraphrase. “At long last, Senator, at long last. Have you no sense of shame”?

You should let you ear hair grow longer. That way you’ll be able to cover your face.

In your case prolonged exposure to a mirror could cause depression and self mutilation.

Send up a flare when Pastor Wright goes to a Bnai Brith breakfast as the guest speaker.

PS – Your CV says that you attended Central High School in Detroit. Was the area known as “Hymietown”? Did your children go there? Did any of your grandchildren go there? When was the last time anybody named Levin went there?

Gregg Fields, The Miami Herald

April 27, 2008

Gregg Fields

The Miami Herald

One Herald Plaza

Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: Maybe it’s time for a career change

My Dear Professor,

I love listening to someone playing the cello. I get misty listening to someone who knows what they are about playing Bach on the cello. I am not sure how many strings are on a standard cello. Self deprecation is the best way to counsel others.

Start hanging out with Dave Barry. Have a few cocktails with Carl Hiaasen. Peek over Glen Garvin’s shoulder.

Like my knowledge of the cello your business background as shown in your writings is…is…lacking.

You say you were “a refugee from a collapsing Rust Belt economy”. Further, you say that you have been here “over 20 years”.

How, pray tell, did the treacherous “Rust Belt” descend on Ohio?

You may recall that in 1962 President Kennedy had his brother Bobby, the Attorney General, send the FBI out to serve subpoenas on executives of U.S. Steel at 3:00 in the morning. I suppose there were 2 reasons for this: #1 – He wanted to be sure they were home and #2 – his father, Joseph Kennedy, buccaneer non-pareil, had told him that “businessmen were SOBs”.

Bobby, whose first job in Washington was as Counsel to Senator McCarthy [Joseph of Wisconsin; not Eugene of Minnesota], did not have to be told twice.

Steel was important to Ohio. Do you think the ‘denutting’ of the steel business had anything to do with the Rust Belt plopping down on the Buckeye State?

About 10 years later the really smart people in Washington decided that the automobile industry was like a perpetual motion machine. They could impose maniacal standards on it; they encouraged, with the acquiescence of management, an “I’m All Right Jack” union mentality; management had no problem with ever increasing costs beyond that of direct manufacturing because the costs were passed on to the buying American public; they taxed the Bejeezus out of it.

The Japanese came with a product that performed better and cost less. Economic illiterates thought it was Pearl Harbor Redux.

Chrysler responded by making 5 years worth of the worst automobiles in History. They then got America to bail them out when the better course of action would have been to give them Kool-Aid in quantities sufficient to float those pitiful Valiants straight to Niagara Falls.

Cars were important to Ohio. Do you think the above had anything to do with the Rusting of Ohio?

V. Lenin, noted social activist, said “People vote with their feet”. Maybe it was the dialectic. Maybe it was the lack of snow shovels. Either way it got you to Florida.

Double declining balances, the rule of 78, compensating balances, subordination, the Broken Window theory, phantom income, OSHA, ERISA, the EPA, 401Ks, 10b5, 10Ks. They are all vitally important. They are also deadly dull. That’s why writing about them is deadly dull. That, plus the fact that nobody cares until the cart goes into the ditch, mandates that the successful business writers be deadly dull. When that happens it doesn’t matter how well or how dully it was written. Some smart ass plaintiff’s lawyer will find some shaky syntax and try to get them indicted.

That never happens when someone writes of frozen lizards, Halloween hunts, or pole dancing. Ditto for windmills.

Leave the dry stuff for dry guys.

PS – You got down here in time to see the young Janny Reno making her bones. She was a horse’s ass of a prosecutor worthy of Guinness Book mention. Naturally enough that marked her for promotion to Attorney General of the United States. You may remember that she began her illustrious Federal career by charbroiling some 7 dozen of her fellow citizens at Waco. That guaranteed her 8 years in office. I’m surprised she wasn’t called out for duty in the latest Texas child dustup. She would have urged nuclear weapons. At least a bunch of boobs got the chop at Chrysler.

Fla. Rep. Dan Gelber

April 27, 2008

State Representative Dan Gelber

1920 Meridian Avenue

Miami, Florida 33135-1818

RE: It’s just not fair. A chance to try some of the new math on sharing Florida state tax revenues as caterwauled by you in this morning’s Miami Herald.

Representative Gelber,

I almost wanted to call you Danny Boy but I was able to resist it. “Just Say No” does work. On to business.

“I think we have been getting hammered. I fully believe that whether we look

at the pie or the pieces, it is pretty clear that Miami/Dade is a donor county.”

The Miami Herald

Page 29A

Today

You

G-d almighty, but I thought you were one of the smart ones. As my dear friend, the Great Nechemie, CPA to the rich and famous and then to me, used to say, “My contempt is not personal”.

I’ll write this slowly as if you were the mental equal of Broward County Commissioner Stacy Ritter, nee State Representative Stacy Ritter. She is the poster child for dumb, Homerically dumb public servants. Now, since she thinks it’s OK to vote to give her husband public money, she becomes the poster girl for ethically challenged, dumber than dirt public servants. But I digress.

You say that Miami/Dade gives more than it gets.

Pay close attention to the following:

#1 – Florida has 67 counties.

#2 – The tax revenue that flows from them to Tallahassee adds up to 100%.

#3 – Since you can only put 32 ounces into a quart bottle it stands to reason that you can only take 32 ounces out of same bottle.

#4 – [It’s too late for Florida to get into the sub-prime mortgage market. Do you think it would be wise to take a portion of the tax revenue and buy lottery tickets? After all, if we lose we win. It’s all for the children, isn’t it?]

#5 – The United States Constitution and the Florida Constitution both declare equality under the law as, to cite modern American Liberal persiflage, the paradigmatic template of all governmental activities plus all social constructs.

#6 – Am I going too fast for you?

#7 – For Miami/Dade to get more somebody has to get less.

#8 – Who gets less?

#9 – How do you decide who gets less?

I know that the governing mantra of the Democratic Party – and I think that you as s Super Delegate should give serious thought to Kucinich or Gravel as a compromise candidate – is “robbing Peter to pay Paul will always have Paul’s support” but it breaks down here.

Should the less populous counties pay less state gas tax because while they have further to travel there are never any traffic jams?

Should FPL charge them less for electricity because they don’t use as much power for air conditioning?

Here’s a thought. Charge out of state tourists more for buying gasoline, orange juice, and key lime pie.

Take your time.

Here’s another thought.

Secession.

Tom Fiedler, Stout Shorenstein Fellow, Kennedy School of Government

April 24, 2008

Tom Fiedler – Stout Shorenstein Fellow

Kennedy School of Government

RE: Chatting with Clio

Dear Tom,

On my first trip to Billy Bob’s in Fort Worth, the largest saloon in the world, a gin joint so big that Fenway Park [absent the CITGO sign] could fit into it, I had Caitlin, my oldest grandchild, with me. I took her out of her stroller and propped her up on the bar. My granddaughters know that “more good has come from saloons then any other invention of mankind”.

I like to order anything organic, particularly if it is made by the local indigenous population. I chose Shiner Bock. Well schooled in saloon etiquette – another reason to say Deo Gratias for being from Bayonne – I engaged the locals in topical badinage.

I was told that if I wanted to “know Texas” I had to go to the Alamo.

My eyes became as big as saucers.

“Don’t overswing.”

How many fat lazy hanging curveballs do you get? Particularly late in a game with men on base?

“The Alamo? Wasn’t that where the Mexicans kicked your ass?”

That same year, 1998, I held Caitlin by the “Monica Gate” of the White House. I was wearing my “Right-Wing Conspirator” hat. “Come out with your hands up, you son of a bitch. We have the place surrounded.” The wish was not father to the deed.

Which gives me the segue to poleax the New England Patriots.

My disdain for Historical shibboleths is neither regional nor is it personal. It is universal.

On my last trip to Boston I went to Bunker/Breed’s Hill. “Simplicity, simplicity. I seek the essence of things” or so said Thoreau.

It took the Lobsterbacks 3 trips up the hill to drive the rebels, the rag-tag colonials, the “embattled farmers”, what ever, off the hill. Those heights control the harbor. You will find no plaque there saying “Go Stranger. Tell the Bostonians we lie here obedient to their laws”.

That was the last time a gun was fired in anger in New England during the American Revolution.

How convenient it is to be the Birthplace of the Revolution if all the bleeding is done elsewhere. Foetid is a great word seldom used. It deserves to be brought out once a year. It is the best modifier for describing the aroma, the ordure if you will, that surrounds the place.

The blood was shed in New Jersey, in Virginia, in the Carolinas. It was not shed in Massachusetts. Philip told Alexander “if you want to know war come with me to Macedonia”. What was started in Boston went on without an exit strategy everywhere else save there. The Patriots took a pass on the heavy lifting that freedom sometimes requires. It took them 85 years to redeem their honor.

At least the Texans paid the full price. That’s why when you go inside the Alamo there is a sign that says “Gentlemen will kindly remove their hats”.

Don’t get me started on the War of 1812.

Your pal,

KS

PS – Talk about the “unintended consequences” of History! All the forebears of those splendid Cheever and Updike characters had a monopoly on whale oil. In 1859 they decided to raise the price by 300%. That they would have killed every whale in the world made no never mind. In that same year, Colonel Drake continued the proud tradition of American Exceptionalism when he bought in the first commercial oil well. There is no need to do a DNA test for carbon footprints. They started then and there. By 1862 there was no whaling industry. In the rush for “clean energy” we took food crops out of production in favor of fuel crops. 3^rd Worlders will starve but rich New Englanders – Patriots all – will feel good about themselves. Some things never change.

Letter to the Editor, The Miami Herald

April 24, 2008

Letters to the Editor

The Miami Herald

One Herald Plaza

Miami, Florida 33136-1693

Sirs,

Enclosed is a copy of the note I sent to Boston Globe resident harridan Joan Vennochi. I thought I had her walled up in Boston but, no, she enters the modern American Liberal transporter device and reappears in Miami. I do believe I can give Sisyphus a run for his money. Like our beloved President I will not waver. My arm is mighty for I have the strength of ten. I need it because when I slay one three come to claim the body.

Anyway her lies, half lies, and quarter truths are the same whether it is Boston or Havana North. Her fuzzy thinking coupled with the “eclectic indignation” that is the hallmark of Left loony bin occupants is always worthy of being smacked down.

Incidentally, back when Mr. T – Uncle Tom to his faithful companions – was in charge of all the ink stained wenches and wretches, I would tell him every Spring that if the Herald were serious about the perils of Global Warming there was one way to show it. For the months of May, June, July, August, and September the Miami Herald HQ would turn off its air conditioners. What better way to reduce the notorious carbon foot print? What better way to help drowning polar bears? What better way to save the rain forests and the manatees? What better way to cut your FPL bill? What better way to feel warm and fuzzy about feeling warm and fuzzy?

I understand that should Hillary be denied the Democratic nomination she is going to franchise the Tarmac under fire serpentine two-step that she made famous in Tuzla. Mrs. B Hussein Obama will write a book about how proud she was when she got a $4,000 a week raise because her husband was elected to the United States Senate.

What a country! That’s why, as Big Mike, the legendary restaurateur and sportsman from Bayonne still says, “you never see anybody swimming to Cuba”.

Joan Vennochi, The Boston Globe

April 20, 2008

Joan Vennochi

The Boston Globe

135 Morrissey Boulevard

Boston, MA 02125

RE: Decisions, Decisions – Senator B. Hussein Obama as Chauvin or, at least, George M. Cohan – A gee whiz take on the rocky road that awaits Pastor Wright’s favorite parishioner as he tries to convince bitter, gun-totin’, snake handling NASCAR fans not to believe the evidence of their own eyes but send him to the White House anyway.

Ms. Vennochi,

Through skill and cunning I was able to get the home addresses of all the Democratic Super Delegates from Florida. I was going to rent safe deposits boxes in their names next Friday. I was going to put a 2 pound snook into each one. Also included, in a random pattern, would be either a picture of Big Bill Clinton, King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes, or Michele Obama, AKA Vonda VaVoom, in her video entitled “My Life on the Pole”. The idea was that the fish would ripen over the weekend and the boxes would have to be drilled open by Monday afternoon in time for the 6:00 PM local news. Bill the Galoot would talk about his famous Oval Office blue veiners that even Socks couldn’t scratch & Vonda would have that great picture of her with her feet behind her ears learning to speak Eyetie.

Big Bill would talk about hummers in the Oval Office, perjury, and how he’s pretty sure the sniper on the tarmac at Tuzla wasn’t an Arkansas State Trooper. Snappy Dish Michele could talk about the $4,000 a week raise that she got when her husband was elected to the United States Senate. No glass ceilings for her, right?

It was either the above or some TLC on my hackle crop, such crop that I raise as lovingly as befitting its international status.

Your column precluded both.

Your talk about Wee Mikey in the 1988 Presidential campaign as if he were part of the Oedipus Trilogy as opposed to just another pol reaching for the big Brass Ring. The picture of him in the tank trying to raise endives was my favorite until 2004 when Senator Jay Forbes Kerry decided to put on a white bunny suit to become better acquainted with indigenous foxes.

[Did Senator B. Hussein Obama, “Hussy” to his friends, actually, Honest Injun, cross your heart, say “Zounds, but has anybody else been to Whole Foods and seen the price of arugula”? Endives and arugula – perfect together]

Say this for modern American Liberals. They really, I mean really, really, think no one remembers anything.

You say “the GOP turned Dukakis into a civil-liberties loving elitist who let convicted felons free to strike again”.

Uh…I hate to be the turd in the punch bowl but he did, didn’t he? I mean like WOW but truth is still a valid defense against libel, isn’t it?

Unless Lee Atwater, chock-a-block filled with stuffed envelopes, envelopes stuffed with untraceable Benjamins provided by Halliburton, bribed a couple of dozen Massachusetts prison officials Willie Horton was “furloughed” on Governor Dukakis’s watch with the Governor’s knowledge and approbation.

If memory serves he went from Massachusetts to Maryland where he raped and murdered again.

Here’s the best part.

It wasn’t Vice President Bush who told the country about this. It was Tennessee Senator Albert Arnold Gore who did. Candidate Gore, 4 years away from being known as Vice President Alpha Gump, told us all about Willie Boy during the Democratic Primary in March, 1988.

Look it up.

[There is a rumor that Willie Horton’s cousin, Ricky Ray Rector, wanted him to come to Arkansas. See if you can find out about that.]

It’s been more than two decades since Willie’s last Odyssey, a memorably wonderful adventure. Isn’t he due for another one soon?

You say “in 2000 George W. Bush never fully answered questions about how he got a coveted spot in the Texas Air National Guard…” I hope, if your do research on this irksome question, that you don’t use the Dan Rather Facts Don’t Matter methodology. It’s been found to be flawed fatally.

Speaking of the 2000 election see if you can find out how Senator Bradley got his “coveted spot in the New Jersey Air National Guard”? President Bush at least took a pilot’s risk every time he flew an F-104 and went to afterburners. Private Bradley, despite an Ivy League degree and a Master’s degree from Oxford, chose to be a “wing wiper”. His biggest risk was driving down the Garden State Parkway. You may wish to see if David “Sonny” Werblin used his considerable Jersey Juice to get his employee, New York Knickerbocker small forward “Mumbles” Bradley, his “coveted spot in the New Jersey Air National Guard”.

You say that the Democratic candidate in 2004, Madcap Gypsy Lady Teresa’s boy toy, was “Swiftboated”. Would that be the equivalent of being “Borked” or does it depend on whose Gore is being oxed?

All he had to do was release his DD214 and the brouhaha would have been over. If he’s not mountain biking or windsurfing maybe you could ask him.

Hillary the Hecate, despite 35 years of getting ready to assume what is owed her, looked pretty stupid with the shot glass in her hand. Stupid is a harsh word. Insultoing if better. Her husband would have told her to say the equivalent of “I didn’t inhale”. Alas, he wasn’t there. I think he was lobbying for Colombia.

Caitlin, my oldest granddaughter, was 6 years old the first time she bowled. Her score was 65 through 8 frames. Maybe she should run for Pope.

There are things that we can all look forward to this summer.

#1 – Aaron Copland’s Theme for the Common Man. Ad nauseam.

#2 – Some dead rock star singing about a new day coming.

#3 – Lachrymose caterwauling from elitists who should be flogged.

Starting with you I have assigned myself the enviable task of enforcing #3.

Two dozen well laid on for starters.

Then, on to bastinado.

Kathryn Fernandez Rundle, Esq., State Attorney

April 16, 2008

Kathryn Fernandez Rundle, Esq.

State Attorney

1350 N.W. 12^th Avenue

Miami, Florida 33136-2111

RE: Do your duty

Ms. Rundle,

I wish to report a crime that was committed in your jurisdiction.

Alas, it was committed by Abbe Rifkn, Esq., an employee of yours.

She confessed to this crime in a column written by Joan Fleischman and appearing on Page 8A in this morning’s Miami Herald.

While driving North on I-95 in Miami/Dade she saw a bumper sticker on a car in front of her. It had a 4 letter word on it. The word began with a ‘t’ and ended with a ‘t’. The word was neither tint nor taut. It was twat.

“I literally almost drove off the road,” Rifkin says. “It is a

‘vulgar term for female genitalia – and I was offended.”

She grabbed her cell phone and snapped a picture.

The Miami Herald

Page 8A

Today

Would it be unfair of me to assume that she was driving at or near the speed limit? Would it be unfair of me to assume that she lost control of her car? Would it be unfair of me to assume that she changed lanes unsafely? Would it be unfair of me to assume that she was driving either carelessly or recklessly? Would it be unfair of me to assume that she endangered the lives of others? Would it be unfair of me to assume that while she was fetching her camera phone, sighting same, and shooting the offending word she was breaking a lot of laws?

Further, upon receipt of this citizen’s complaint, when you cite her and suspend her from official duties, could you assign her the task of compiling a list of other words that she finds “offensive”? That way I’ll know what I can, and, more importantly, cannot say when I am in Miami. The thought of offending a woman who has the force of law on her side fills me with dread.

For example, when Shakespeare has Hamlet tell Ophelia to “get thee to a nunnery”, nunnery means whore house. Should I bowdlerize that particular word? How about the entire play? The last scene is as bloody as a busy morning in an abattoir. Some people are offended by such gore.

“Nude Descending a Stair Case”, by Duchamp, caused riots in Paris when it was unveiled. Should we burn that?

I hope Ms. Rivkin, “a veteran Miami/Dade prosecutor”, is not Muslim. If she were she’d be sharpening the knives waiting for somebody to publish cartoons about that well known mideastern paedophile, Mohammed.

A long time ago an old Greek combat veteran said,

“FREE MEN SPEAK WITH FREE TONGUES”

If Ms. Rifkin’s dudgeon is raised at TWAT what does she think of The Vagina Monologues? What about Andres Serrano’s marvelous piece of art known as “Piss Christ”? How about “Corpus Christi”, a play subsidized in part by the American taxpayer, that has as its major premise that the crucifixion of Jesus Christ happened because of a lovers’ quarrel, the lovers being Jesus Christ and Judas Iscariot?

There is an astonishing number of Christians who were deeply, profoundly offended by the above. What recourse do they have?

Lear had 3 daughters. 2 of them turned out to be true rotters. A case could be made to call them cunning runts, couldn’t it? Did I just misspeak?

The above mentioned things offend me. Do I have the right, a right that Ms. Rifkin, “a veteran Miami/Dade prosecutor”, claims to have by virtue of her gender, to remove the offending member? If not, why not? Why should Ms. Rifkin’s being offended be superior to mine?

Henry the Fifth tells his men on the eve of battle that they will remember “with advantages” the feats they do the next day.

We know that Stewart Tabares, the man with the audacity to have a Florida state sanctioned license plate that has the letters TWAT on it, has “seen the elephant” as a Marine in Afghanistan. Kipling spoke of being “wounded on Afghanistan’s plains”. The next part of that line – “and the women come out to cut up what remains” – gives him the right, a right to remember “with advantages” his service to his country. Notwithstanding the offended sensibilities of Ms. Rivkin, “a veteran Miami/Dade prosecutor”, how about if she were not a “veteran Miami/Dade prosecutor”? In addition, an official agency of the Government of Florida, the Department of Motor Vehicles, has issued him a license plate with the letters TWAT printed on it.

It’s not like he had cursed the Koran or called Senator B. Hussein Obama a Negro of something as offensive as that.

What other part of “Congress shall make no law…” does she have a problem with?

Five years ago I had an official visit from a Broward Sheriff’s Deputy for something I had written to an elected official. The first thing he said to me was that I “was not in trouble”. Mindful of the fact that Auden said “only the man with his finger on the trigger has free will” I said to him, “You have a badge and a fucking gun. What do you mean I’m not in trouble?”

Check her license. Check her registration. Check her insurance coverage. Issue her a citation. As many as the law allows. If she objects cuff her and bring her in. Keep the MACE close by.

It’s the least that should happen to a “veteran Miami/Dade prosecutor” who thinks that the law should be to her satisfaction.

Antigone would weep.

CC – Abbe Rivkin, Esq.

Beth Reinhard, The Miami Herald

April 12, 2008

Beth Reinhard

The Miami Herald

One Herald Plaza

Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: “What’s to be done” – How dare they say that – Why the Equal Rights Amendment, or so you say in today’s column in the Herald, will make the roads smoother, taxes fairer, people nicer, and preclude tender chickies from having their feelings hurt.

Ms. Reinhard,

You called him a “lout”.

I prefer to call him a zealot practitioner of unbridled and unfettered political speech. Somehow I think the words “Congress shall make no law…” to you fall into the category of “those words mean exactly what I want them to mean”, as made famous in Alice in Wonderland. In the tradition that allowed President Lincoln to be called a “baboon” and allowed President Bush to called “Hitler” what the &*#^% is wrong with somebody yelling “Iron my shirt” at Hillary Clinton?

I mean it’s not like some crazed Kosovockian was trying to put a couple of caps into her then svelte ass, right? And speaking of her serpentine tarmac two-step what in the name of abused children everywhere was her 15 year old daughter doing with her in a hot L.Z.anyway? [L.Z., for those irenic souls who think Denis Kucinich didn’t get a fair hearing in the SNAFUed and FUBARed Democratic primaries, is Landing Zone]

Now that Hillary the Hecate has assumed the role of the Colonel’s Lady I guess that makes you Rosie O’Grady. Either way your solution to being made to feel less than adequate is…is…a friggin’ Constitutional Amendment? You say that “the state constitution already declares men and women equal”. How, pray tell, will one more law, even a Constitutional amendment, make a particular group perceived to be less equal more equal? If the ERA had been passed would Harridan Hillary been allowed to tear up as she did in New Hampshire?

God’s Holy Trousers! That’s world class, call the Guinness Book of Records, Homerically dumb.

On the other hand, what’s the sense of being a template, a paradigm if you will, for ink stained wench modern American Liberal wanabees everywhere whose bottom line belief is that “equality” is something that can be legislated unless you believe that “balloon juice” can overcome the laws governing gravity?

What’s the sense of finding a victim – in this case the junior Senator from New York, a candidate for the nomination of her Party for the Presidency, a lady who has air brushed her time as a Director of WAL*MART out of her rather thin C.V. – unless you can identify the villain? Since you call him a “lout” I don’t think it would unfair of me to say that he is male. I think I can say, safely, that he would not be a public member of Sir Elton John’s WrumpWrangling Conga Line.

Speaking of “gender equity”, maybe it is time for Hillary and Chelsea to “take the Queen’s shilling” and get over to Afghanistan’s plains. Maybe they could be the first mother-daughter combo to make it to Arlington National Cemetery. Even if just one of them gets there the old fashioned way it will go a long distance to righting the grossly imbalanced scales of male/female names on headstones there.

One thing for sure is that they will be paid the same as men.

If she can survive the billingsgate of “Iron my shirt”, the sting of “Don’t burn my meat loaf” should be no problem. The next time the phone rings at 3:00 AM it will either be for her husband or it will be for her ideas for new recipes for box lunches.

PS – I want to extend a typical modern American Liberal apology. If I have said anything that has offended anyone anywhere at anytime I am sorry. If no one stands up and says “I am offended”, I ain’t sorry.

Senator Carl Levin

April8, 2008

Senator Carl Levin

524 Ludington Street – LL103

Escanaba, MI 49829-3949

RE: Surges, Exit strategies, Congratulations on nosing out Senator Biden as this year’s poster boy for folliclely challenged Congressman, and a well earned Trifecta for public service.

Senator Levin,

Surges work.

Ask Alexander. Ask Julius Caesar. Ask Roland. Ask Henry the Fifth. Ask the Iron Duke. Ask Sherman. Ask Pershing.

Exit strategies are a bit harder to define.

Franklin Roosevelt sent Chester Nimitz to Pearl Harbor just before Christmas, 1941. He told him not to come home until he sailed into Tokyo Harbor. He didn’t tell him how to do it or how long to take. “Don’t come home until you do it.” And that’s what he did.

It took Lincoln 3 years to find Grant – Incidentally, today is the 146^th anniversary of the Battle of Shiloh of which it is said that after the battle “the South never smiled again” – during which time the words “exit strategy” were never heard. Although I know that correlation is not causation it is well to note that both the New York Times and the Democratic Party were vehemently and viciously opposed to both Lincoln and the War. Lincoln was regularly called a “baboon”. In 1864 the Democratic Party was in favor of a cease fire and direct negotiations with the Confederate States of America. It would not require 7 league boots to jump the Logical chasm of reading support of slavery into such a proposal.

Sherman’s taking of Atlanta secured Lincoln’s reelection. His subsequent surge shortened the war by at least 18 months and ended slavery that much quicker. Thus, the Logical consequences of the combined New York Times and the Democratic Party strategy of “War is heck; can’t we all get along and besides slavery isn’t so bad unless you’re a slave” was not visited upon us. If it had been try to imagine how really, really mad Pastor Wright would be. Try to imagine how ‘unproud’ Ms. B. Hussein Obama would be of her country.

Speaking of exit strategies “Cartago delenda est” was a pretty good one. I suppose we’re too civilized to update it. Pity.

Speaking further of exit strategies how about one for the never ending War on Poverty? We’ve been marching ‘line abreast’ into a fusillade and an enfilade of automatic weapons for 45 years. How about a truce? How about a cease fire? How about some R&R for the grunts?

After 45 years we can judge the effort, not by its noble intentions, but by its results. The reasons for starting the war – back when stamps cost .06 cents and Xerox machines and Instamatic cameras were objects of awe – are bedimmed by the fog of war. Suffice to say this. We still haven’t taken the mountain. We have taken tremendous casualties. Maybe it’s time to try a new strategy.

Battles are “damn close run things”. The Russians beat the Germans in World War 2 because they had more people than the Germans had bullets. 45 years into this war and there is not one good song, poem, play, or movie to come out of it. That alone speaks volumes.

I see by your C.V. that you had an expensive education. Based on your public positions the amount of dollars spent on it resulted neither in wisdom nor knowledge. That’s why I tossed in the History lesson.

I watched your performance on TV this morning. That’s why I know that reasoned arguments will fall on deaf ears. Incidentally, speaking of ears, and I am presuming that Global Warming has not reached all of Michigan, you could have the first pair of built in ear muffs in the country. You could be a trend setter, you old dog you. Your comb over is both ecologically sensitive and environmentally sound. By using your own hair, whether it is from your nose, your chest, or your arm pits to keep your ears warm cuts down on the need for sheep. Borygymous bovines and their toxic eructations are a great source of greenhouse gases. Who needs wool? Sequitur… the surplus sheep could be used to feed the drowning polar bears or the wolves newly restored to Yellowstone Park. A win-win situation.

Yet I had to judge your performance in its entirety. I couldn’t let personal feelings interfere. Thus I announce that you are this year’s first Trifecta winner.

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

God’s Holy Trousers, but there is now a nationwide belief that people from Michigan have hair growing out of their jackets. It looks like some of it comes from your coccyx or scrotum. You then top it off with polyurethane. Who says the wet look is dead? Not I and certainly not you.

I have the feeling that you would ban pictures of Kojak and Yul Brenner as being harbingers of hate speech.

I visited your brother’s web site. The only person with more post-auricular hair is Krusty the Klown. Maybe you could borrow some hair from him. Your brother; not Krusty.

Both your web sites proclaim that you were graduated from Central High School in Detroit.

Could you tell me if any of your children went to Central High School? How about your grandchildren? Could you tell me if there is anybody named Levin currently enrolled in Central High School in Detroit?

That’s another war – urban education – that, despite throwing gazillions of dollars at it, we seem to have lost.

How about some hearings on that one?

Meanwhile, enjoy your honors. Wear them proudly. You got them the old fashioned way. You earned them.

Ana Menendez, The Miami Herald

April 6, 2008

Ana Menendez

The Miami Herald

One Herald Plaza

Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: A solution for the undeserving poor that you missed in your column this date in the Miami Herald.

Ms. Menendez,

You say

“The rich and well-connected always have friends to spare.

The poor, the marginalized and the unpopular have the

Labor Center at Florida International University…

Its budget is tiny: less than $400.000 a year. It’s not exactly

a financial burden…These days, the poor need

all the friends they can get.”

The Miami Herald

Page B1

Today

You

Breathe easy. Help is on the way. In fact, the budget may go up. There’s a new Robin Hood in town. In fact, it’s Mr. & Mrs. Robin Hood. Bill and Hillary earned $109,000,000 – not counting 2007 – since they left the White House in 2001. They gave $10,000,000 to his favorite charity, the Big Bill Tonsorial Parlor and Bada Bing Pole Dancing and Riding Academy.

Once they find out they’ll be here with sacks filled with Benjamins. If you know some Super Delegates they’ll make it Euros or Sterling. Yen if that is what you want.

You say “the rich are being shielded from tax increases”. Not these two. They’re volunteering. The reason Bubba and Mrs. Bubba started their own giveaway program was to eliminate the middle man. What’s the sense, they both asked, in having all this money unless you can do some good with it?

All you’ve got to do is ask if, should Senator B. Hussein Obama be elected President, will Pastor Wright swear him in on Inauguration Day. Maybe something about Louie-Louie Farakhan. Maybe a hint about his buddy Rezko and the mortgage on his house.

It’s the least you can do for “the poor, the marginalized and the unpopular”.

Like I said, “the undeserving poor”.

Also tell Hillary to come to Florida and really push an income tax because of our “dysfunctional tax policy”. That’s the fair thing and the right thing to do.

PS – Hillary and Michelle have similar qualities. Big time schools. Big time jobs. Funny how both of them seemed to really prosper when their spouses’ careers took. Hillary became a partner when her husband was elected Governor. Michelle was really proud that her husband’s election to the Senate got her a $200,000 raise. Why not get both of them down here and have them bid against each other for the support of “the poor, the marginalized and the unpopular”? We’ll have your constituency farting though silk in no time.

Stephen Tomma & William Douglas, The Miami Herald

April 6, 2008

Stephen Thomma

William Douglas

The Miami Herald

One Herald Plaza

Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: Mrs. Clinton and the truth and why, like parallel lines, they will never meet. Thanks for your times saving story in today’s Miami Herald.

Mr. Thomma & Mr. Douglas,

“Clinton in uphill battle with truth”

‘Senator Hillary Clinton is often perceived as dishonest,

sometimes unjustifiably so.’

The Miami Herald

Page 6A

Today

You

Thanks for letting me know. I thought she was just a broad who “couldn’t lie straight in bed”. As soon as I saw the openers I knew I didn’t have to read the rest of the story. Just one thing, however.

Can you send me a list of the times when she was perceived justifiably so as being a liar?

It will save me some time plus it will cut down on my carbon footprint.

Don’t make me do the serpentine tarmac two step to get the answers, please. Does it have something to do with cattle futures and her broker “Red Bone”?

John Dorschner, The Miami Herald

April 6, 2008

John Dorschner

The Miami Herald

One Herald Plaza

Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: Errors of omission constitute civil fraud – What were you thinking? A Page 1 story in today’s Miami Herald that is fatally flawed ab initio.

Tweedledumb,

Facts are hard things. Harder still is when you ignore them to advance a flawed premise.

Your premise, a soft one with fuzzy edges, is that somehow controlling llama and anaconda eructations will stop polar bears from drowning and will discourage teenage obesity. Lysenko would have been proud. Your admission to the advanced Luddite Institute for defying gravity is assured. But I digress.

You say

“Although the Bush administration refused to join the

Kyoto cleanup effort…”

Doubtless you were learning how to live without exhaling – Damn that carbon dioxide! – when the United States signed the Kyoto Accords. [It is well to note that China and India did not.] If the President of the United States had followed the Constitution and submitted the treaty to the Senate for its approval as the law requires, and had the Senate done so, the Bush administration could not have refused to join the Kyoto cleanup effort. It would have been the law of the land.

Maybe Clinton was “distracted” by Oval Office salami hiding. Maybe the other Clinton was practicing her serpentine tarmac two step. Maybe Vice President Alpha Gump was celebrating his recent discovery of what to do with thumbs. For whatever reason it never happened.

Who knows?

What is known is that the Kyoto Accords – and only a cad would bring up the absence of China and India from the impressive list of signators – had as much standing in Law as the annual Presidential pardoning of the Thanksgiving turkey. I think that puts it a scoosh higher than the Easter Egg Hunt on the White House lawn but just barely.

I am going to let you in on a little secret.

There is an answer to curbing carbon dioxide.

It involves neither the mandatory holding of one’s breath for 16 hours a day nor does it entail the confiscation of gas guzzling SUVs.

It’s called nuclear power.

You may wish to familiarize yourself with it.

PS – I’ve been trying for years to get the Miami Herald to turn off all the A/Cs at their HQ by the bay. Open the windows. Get some hand held fans from the local funeral home. Somebody has to be first or we and the polar bears will perish. I mean, like you know what I’m saying, if you don’t do this people might think that you are a hypocrite.

Chief Justice R. Fred Lewis, Florida Supreme Court

April 1, 2008

Chief Justice R. Fred Lewis

500 South Duval Street

Tallahassee, Florida 32399-1925

RE: Judge Spechler, Judge Tobin, and why do I know that this is not an April Fool’s Day joke, wit not being a strong suit of the collective Broward Judiciary?

Chief Justice Lewis,

In case you’ve been on Spring Break or have been pouting over the recount brouhaha of 2000 Judge Tobin is the Chief Judge of Broward County. Judge Spechler, until last year, was the administrator of the County Civil Division.

“You are not to return to the Central Courthouse

except at my direction,” Tobin wrote in a letter

hand delivered to Judge Spechler on 3/27/08.

Have the loonies taken over the bin? Have the black robed boobies taken over the hatch? Why do you suppose Castro has such bilious contempt for the Florida Judiciary? Do suppose he may know something?

Perhaps a Swift or a Racine, maybe a Mel Brooks aided by a reincarnation of the Marx Brothers and Professor Irwin Corey could flesh out the above scenario. Maybe he should be sent, not to satellite traffic court, but to America’s adult Caribbean sleep away camp, AKA Camp Gitmo.

Maybe Judge Spechler is bung holing the neighbor’s dog. Maybe he plays the cello poorly. Maybe he is a devotee of Peruvian Marching Powder. Maybe he has pastrami on white toast with lettuce, tomato, and extra mayonnaise. Maybe he‘s gone over to the Dark Side.

Who knows?

Let me add that I have had matters litigated in various Federal District Courts, in the 5^th Circuit and the 10^th Circuit Court of Appeals, in the United States Bankruptcy Court, in the United States Tax Court, and in the United States Supreme Court.

I come not to this conversation as a naïf but rather as someone not unfamiliar with either the labyrinthine ways of Court House intrigue or the natural tendency of a layman to confuse law with justice.

Further, I add as a non-lawyer that my father was a Judge and my son is a member of the Bar in 3 states. Deo volente Florida will not be the 4^th.

What the Hell is going on here?

Justice and the perception thereof is a fragile thing.

It can never suffer from too much sunshine.

Chelsea Clinton

March 31, 2008

Chelsea Clinton

@Clinton for President

4420 North Fairfax Drive

Arlington, VA 22203

RER: Time to ‘man up’, Sweetie

Ms. Clinton,

You are 27/28 years old. You went to some expensive schools. I believe you work for a hedge fund. It’s long past the time that you can go on national TV like you just rode in on a turnip truck from Bug Fug, Arkansas.

I admire the willingness of any child to stand up for their parents. Yours may be about 3 bricks over the regular load That’s not your fault; that’s theirs

Your dad, AKA “The King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes”, at least had a picaresque quality about him. Your mom, AKA “The Queen of Publically Abused and Humiliated Wives of the ‘90s”, has a tougher row to hoe. I know it’s unfair but “life is unfair”. If you want to know how unfair life can be see if your mom can channel – that’s how she contacted Eleanor Roosevelt, remember? – Ricky Ray Rector. He’s the Brother your parents wired up, juiced up, and then your Mom gave him a lap dance to quiet him prior to lighting him up to prove that your dad was “tough” on crime. He’s still dead so he should be easy to find.

You may want to ask your mom about the time sales language she put in the sales contracts for the Whitewater Development Company. What that meant is that if Rufus Redneck missed one payment your Mom could foreclose on the property. Actually “foreclose” is not the right word. “Repo”, like when the finance company hooks your car or takes back the A/C, is more appropriate. Your Mom, if memory serves, was one of the country’s 100 best lawyers, wasn’t she? Maybe it was one of the country’s 100 smartest lawyers. Either way she knew that foreclosure would be time consuming and an expensive process. Plus, there was a Judge and due process and something called the Rule of Law. Who knew what could happen? This way was cheaper and quicker.

Now it makes perfect sense to see why your Mom told Maggie Williams, and doesn’t she give calorically challenged people a bad name, to work for that sub-prime mortgage company. What’s the sense of working with poor people unless you can abuse them and make a good buck off said abuse? Besides, doesn’t the Gospel say that “the poor you will have with you always”? Did you ever stop and think what would happen to your parents’ political party if they didn’t have poor people to pander to. Adios, Redneck!

As long as you have her attention ask her how she can stiff the medical insurance companies and not have them cancel those policies for her workers? I think maybe the companies were worried what would happen to them if your mom became President. That’s how people think in the real world.

That apparently is a world with which you are not familiar.

I guess your parents were able to send you to private school in Washington because they never paid a cent in rent for the 8 years that they were in the White House. The downside of that was that you missed out on the toughening up process that every other kid living in public housing in Washington, D.C. gets as a birthright. Part of that process is attending the really fine public schools in the nation’s capitol.

You were right in telling that nasty guy that the deal you’re father had with zoftig Monica was “none of his business”. If you had gone to Anacostia or Eastern High School you would have known that hummers were “no big deal”. They are just a way of saying “Hello, big guy!”

What is a “big deal”, however, is your lack of knowledge about the Constitution of the United States.

Your father, at the urging of his Vice President, Alpha Gump, signed the Kyoto Accords.

If he wanted it to have the force of law, according to the Constitution, he would have had to submit it to the Senate for its advice and consent.

HE DIDN’T.

What possible wrong could President Bush have done? Each President can revoke the Executive Orders of his predecessor with his pen and a flick of his wrist. In keeping with the season of March Madness, “No Harm, No Foul”. He looked at the Kyoto Accords and said, absent it being the law, “I will not bind this country to the ukases of Lysenko wanabees and Luddite impersonators”.

You may want to ask him why he never submitted it to the Senate. That famous English camel jockey and noted multi-culturalist, T.E. Lawrence, said, “Not much can be gained from a sure win but there is much to be won from a sure loss”.

Maybe he was “distracted”. Maybe your Mom was practicing her “serpentine” exits from hostile landing zones.

Speaking of dangerous situations and gunfire and hostile intentions and going” into harm’s way”, you were 16 years old when the skirmish at Tuzla took place.

What the Hell were you doing there?

More importantly, who sent you there?

If you had gone to either Eastern or Anacostia High School you would have been very familiar with gun fire. You could have told your Mom that she couldn’t stop and chat while that girl recited her poetry. You would have told her to haul ass out of there.

You said that “the world will breathe a sigh of relief” when President Bush leaves the White House.

That may be so but at least the EPA won’t have to ask for volunteers to wear Haz-Mat suits like when they tented and fumigated the joint after you and your parents left. My favorite picture of your Mom & Dad is when they were carrying the hot stove out the kitchen door of the White House towards the Mayflower Truck. They personified an emptiness of spirit and soul that made the White House less than a symbol of what can be good. They cheapened the psyche of the nation.

You prove my father’s point that “acorns never fall far from the tree”.

One last thing about your family.

Send my regards to your mom’s mom. Anybody smart enough to name her daughter after a hatchet faced New Zealander who raised bees 5 years before he climbed Mt. Everest is OK in my book.

How are your uncles doing? Particularly the one who owes a ton of dough in child support. Maybe if your Mom gets to be President she can let him sell some more pardons. The family that grifts together stays together.