County Commissioner Kristin Jaocbs

April 12, 2009

County Commissioner Kristin Jaocbs
115 South Andrews Avenue
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: Getting cut out of all the dough from the White House for “environmental” stuff

Commissioner Jacobs,

“My heart jumped and I thought there must be a mistake,”
said County Commissioner Kristin Jacobs, who is leading
Broward’s energy efficiency efforts.”
The Sun-Sentinel
Today
You

How did this happen? Was it something you said? Was it something you did? Was it something you didn’t do?
A few years ago, back when you were the Mayor of Broward County, a title on par with “the world’s tallest midget”, you refused to allow the downtown river, a river whose name escapes me, to be dyed green for Saint Patrick’s Day. You said it would be bad for the environment. Remember?
I am not sure why the introduction of 10,000 yellow rubber ducks into the same river is good for the environment and green dye, a dye that can be eaten, is bad for same. That is a subject for a different discussion.
Perhaps you didn’t know of one of the great traditions of the Cook County Democratic Party. Every Saint Patrick’s Day the Chicago River, all of it, is dyed green. Not just green but emerald green. Since I don’t think you would do well in the adult version of the FCATs it is possible that you didn’t know of it.
Marching past the green river is a tradition observed reverentially by all Chicago pols. Believe me when I tell you State Senators who wish to become United States Senators who wish to become President did the Midwest version of the Jig to the skirls of pipes playing Garryowen. When President O’Bama got to the White House he dyed the water in a fountain on the front lawn emerald green.
Do you see a pattern developing there?
You defied a Cook County Democratic tradition. Chicago pols have long memories.


Maybe that’s why Broward County got less money than they would have gotten if Senator McCain had been elected President. When Stacy Ritter, AKA “Cementhead”, insulted politicians she made sure they were all Republicans.
Here’s a tip from a guy from Hudson County, New Jersey. Don’t poke the big guy in the eye unless you’re Ulysses.
The other Chicago traditions – foetid, systemic corruption and a nepotism that is now a property right – are also a matter for a different time.

It’s too late for you to dye, retroactively, the river green but may I suggest that next year you start dumping the stuff into the river on Ash Wednesday? You can say it is to honor the Gaels who are part of the rainbow population of Broward plus aren’t we all supposed to go green. Next year, instead of 10,000 yellow rubber ducks toss 10,000 Kermit the Frog dolls into the river.
Perhaps “the smartest bear in the zoo” would best describe your time in public service, particularly your time as Mayor. By doing the two above mentioned things you could cement your standing as the poster girl for overachieving ursines everywhere.
But wait! There’s more.
“A task force is exploring ideas on how
Broward can help prevent climate change.”
op cit

I have the sinking feeling that if you were in Minnesota you would be on the barricades every 90 days to try to prevent temperate zone climate change. Up north it is known as Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter. Vivaldi, the Italian climatologist, celebrated them. Down here, a subtropical clime, it’s either hot or hotter.
Here are some ideas that need a champion to advance them. To use the mantra of the ninnies who still mourn the passing of Rachel Carson, “Think globally but act locally”.
#1 – Ban the use of electricity generated by coal fired plants. Electricity is fungible. You may not know this but the only thing worse than having 50% of our electricity coming from those coal fired plants is that about 20% comes from nuclear reactors. It would be tough to separate where the juice comes from. The solution is simple. A week has 128 hours. Turn off the power for 64. You pick them.
#2 – To rally the people to your righteous cause, a cause that all people might not immediately subscribe to, start with incremental steps. The first one is simple. Turn off all air conditioning units in any and all buildings owned, leased, or operated by Broward County. In particular, all hospitals, clinics, nursing homes, and child care centers are to go au naturel as quickly as possible. Perhaps Broward County can subsidize the manufacture of personal cooling devices. They used to be known as hand held, hand operated fans. It would be a natural for President O’Bama’s stimulus plan.
Here is another example of low lying fruit about climate change. It can easily be plucked by a serious politician.
I’ve been in and out of hospitals and rehab centers
for the last year. I had no idea of how much plastic they use. Syringes, probes, bed pans, food trays, dressings [not 1000 Island or French] everything is made of plastic. Where does the detritus from hospitals wind up? You guessed it! Landfills!!!
It’s time, it’s past time, to end this rape of Mother Nature.
#3 – CO2, that’s Carbon Dioxide, is more dangerous than Zyklon B. Forget all the stuff you read about photosynthesis. That’s just oil-industry paid for propaganda. Cheney was probably behind it. This requires a bold step from a leader who wants to make a difference.
At the next scheduled Commission meeting get the floor on a point of personal privilege. Give a short speech, and, yes, I will help you write it, about the coming horrors of CO2 overload. Gorilla Glue your nostrils and hermetically seal your lips with 4 inch staples driven in by an air gun. Then immediately wrap your entire head in duck tape. Eyes, ears, nose, occipital apertures, everything, including your hair and Adam’s apple.
Hold up a sign saying you are doing this for the drowning polar bears.
Your speech will have told us that there is only one sure way to stop humans from destroying the planet with their nasty habit of breathing out. Let us prepare to hold our breaths. Forever.
A great leader is in front.
Show us the way. We will follow.