Carl Hiaasen The Miami Herald

September 6, 2009

Carl Hiaasen
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: “Beet faced droolers” – If everybody and everything is sick how will we be able to tell if we’re getting better? A jaundiced look at your column in today’s Herald about “death panels” and those who oppose them.

Mr. Hiaasen.

My venerable “Right Wing Conspirator” cap – I was a charter member – that I wore to the White House in August, 1968 where, holding my granddaughter Caitlin in one arm, I stood by the Monica Gate and shouted “Come out with your hands up, you son of a bitch, we have the place surrounded”, sits right below my Paul Tibbets autographed picture of the Enola Gay, the plane that began the intense 3 day negotiations that led to the most successful nuclear arms treaty of the 20th century.

I believe that I am the model, the “paradigmatic template” to use jabberwocky so beloved of modern American Liberals, the very modern model of a major “beet faced drooler”. “Beet faced droolers” is the term you use to show your feelings for those with whom you disagree. I guess it’s better than “assholes”.

I am going to say “Hands off my Medicare”. I paid into it for 44 years. I pay for it every month even though I am on the back nine of life. I kept my end of the bargain. Why shouldn’t the government keep theirs?

I had a good friend die last month at the age of 64. What is he going to get out of Social Security and Medicare? As is said in New Jersey, where we both were from, he got bupkes. Other parts of the state would say ogatz. Either way it’s a big win for the green eye shade guys who work for the Feds.

One way to decrease the burden on Medicare would be to have a mandatory senior Olympics. Power lifting, python wrestling, chain saw juggling, William Tell archery, stuff like that. If you win you get to live another month. We could have a lottery with the winners getting the Terry Schiavo life time deluxe diet.

[As an aside, it’s been a very good fortnight for the aforementioned “beet faced droolers”. Who knew that an upper level low in the Bering Straits, a climatic condition caused by selfish White people who drive gas guzzlers and consume egregious amounts of plastic, would prevent Sarah Palin from eyeballing the Russkies from her front porch? I mean how many cohos, chars, and chinooks can you fillet in one afternoon? She read the health plan proffered by Lord Barack the Beneficent and blessed be his name. She found the “death panels”. Then a funny thing happened. Despite the guffaws from the chattering class the next sound heard was White House sphincters slamming shut like the water tight doors on the Titanic were supposed to.

Next up was Glenn Beck. I mean are we talking about the prototypical Yahoo Apeneck with a microphone or aren’t we? About a week after he put his bull’s eye on the multicultural ass of one Van Jones, he of the “asshole” remark, the White House threw him under the bus and sent his carcass to Camp Gitmo for further processing.

Pretty good batting average for those two hicks, don’t you think?]

Sunshine is the best disinfectant for bad things. There is a rumor being spread by bed wetting Commie pinkos disguised to look like “beet-faced droolers” that anyone who watches the Dear Leader’s speech to America’s school children on Tuesday will come down with Asian Mexican Swine Flu. I don’t believe it but you can never be too careful.

I marvel at the ability of those among us, an overwhelming majority of whom suffer from acute “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome, who think that the same people who give us the United States Postal Service, Amtrak, the IRS, and every motor vehicle department in the country will be able to give us better, more sensitive, more environmentally friendly health care.

The last time we tried to fiddlefart with the health care system we had two Yale lawyers running the rock up the hill like Sisyphus. Now we have two lawyers from Harvard. Say this about the Ivy League: It never lets you down.

Four different governments, the city of New Orleans, the parish of New Orleans, the state of Louisiana, and the United States of America couldn’t get a truck filled with water over the God Damn Mississippi River for 5 days. And you think putting them in charge of pneumonectomies is a good idea? Only ohmadans who regularly get lost on a ladder believe that.

You say
“It would be cheaper to make sure that
everybody has a decent health plan.”

like it goes from your lips to God’s ears.

At the end of the day debits must equal credits.

The collected wisdom of our betters has given us 47,000,000 as the number of uninsured in this country. Adults, people both toilet trained and in possession of a modicum of table manners, tell us that by combining this number of uninsured with those who are insured will result in lower costs for everyone. No provision is made for the supply side of the equation. Will the number of physicians and nurses increase to meet this demand the day after this bill becomes law? Is it too late to use the $2,000,000,000 that will be spent to build a baseball stadium in Miami go to build hospitals? The only good thing to come out of that clusterflub is that fans can stay away from a newer stadium.

Need more proof that these guys couldn’t organize a two car funeral?

Last month we were treated to the Cash for Clunkers program. It was a program designed to give away free money. Something happens when horses’ asses of normal stature cross the Potomac. They become Homeric. They become Brobdanaglian. They couldn’t even do that. Can you imagine a more feral group of Americans than car salesmen who, after two years of fish heads and rice, are promised a couple of months of farting through silk if they can only sell cars using free money? They kept their end of the bargain. The dealers kept their end of the bargain. “Show me the money” was the popular cry a few years back. Where the Hell is the dough? And you want these guys to determine if the diversity program for performing bilateral pelvic lymphadenectomies is up to snuff? Surely bedlam awaits.

Perhaps we could start charging for “Midnight Basketball”. Perhaps we could borrow more money from the Chinese. Perhaps we could keelhaul – that’s when waterboarding really meant something – all the insurance company fat cats. Perhaps we could make the Congressional Health Care Plan, the one that flew Ted Kennedy to Lourdes two weeks ago, available to everyone.

OOPS!

I have to tune in to my new primary care physician, Dr. Isadore Rosenfeld of Fox News.

Continuing this morning’s theatre of the absurd the story right above yours is about how the word “negro” is going down the memory hole. I guess that means it’s curtains for the word “colored” as in the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. I hope they didn’t stock up on too much stationery.

Meanwhile I wait with growing impatience the publication of the Mohammed cartoons in the Herald.


Kevin Smith

PS – Would a plethora of “beet-faced droolers” be sufficient to bring back the greatly misunderstood and underappreciated Alien and Sedition Act? If I say los zapatos son negro is that a hate crime?