David Bositis Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies

September 22, 2009

David Bositis
Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies
1090 Vermont Avenue, N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20005-4928

RE: Mea Culpa or, lest you think me a loutish elitist who is blissfully unaware of modern argot, My Bad.

Mr. Bositis,

Thank you for your delightful letter of September 8, 2009.

The reason I didn’t get back to you sooner was that I was asked by the White House to find the one day in September that would signal the death, dismemberment, and environmentally sensitive disposal of the remains of Ramboism, Reaganism, and the Dark Age of George W. Bush. [I was able to include President Kennedy “We will pay any price and bear any burden in defense of liberty…”, remember? and President Truman “If the A-Bomb works, use it.” at no additional cost. My check will come from the Stimulus Program – Cash for Clunkers section soon or so I am told.]

The day I chose, September 17, was easy. That was the day in 1939 that Stalin, Hitler’s pal, invaded Poland.

I doubt if you will know who said “They are a far away people of whom we know little”. I’ll end the suspense. It was Neville Chamberlain, freshly returned from Munich to a hero’s welcome .The only dissenting voice in Parliament that day in 1938 was from Winston Churchill. He told the House “We have had to choose between shame and war. We choose shame; we will have war.”

I feel honored that Lord Barack the Beneficent, and blessed be his name, took my advice and announced the end of the SDI program in Eastern Europe on said day. It was a two for one offer. The Poles and the Czechs are now comfortably under the bus that is in the back of the White House. It is soon to be replaced with a larger, more environmentally sensitive version, one that is powered by windmills producing “balloon juice”.

I had a suggestion about ACORN that, alas, could gain no traction. It involved SBA loans, necrophilia, bestiality, and harvesting manatees to make sausage for the homeless. The “vast Right-Wing conspiracy”, the snake handling, gun toting racists who run everything, thought it to be a bit much.

They went with tax fraud, bank fraud, and underage and undocumented 3rd World prepubescent hookers.

Based on results to date it worked. That’s why they get the big bucks.

As you can see my plate has been quite full since Labor Day. In the tradition of modern American Liberals everywhere I am sorry only if I offended you by not getting back to you sooner.

But let me tell you the real reason why I write.

I have 3 awards, highly prized and much coveted, that I dispense, Ulysses-like, unto an increasingly savage race. With the exception of the Kennedy family, all of whom are awarded all of them at birth, people come by them the old fashioned way: They earn them. You have already received one – HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK.

As official keeper of the scrolls of the Guardians of the Permanent Things [soon to be a 501C thing] I hereby award you the second laurel. You are now recognized as and are entitled to all the goodies of a POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH.

With two awards in hand I can guarantee that you will win the next one. Soon you will be named SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR.

America is still the land of opportunity. That’s why, in the words of Big Mike from Bayonne, the legendary sportsman and restaurateur, “You never see anybody swimming to Cuba”.

We’ll meet on the barricades at the Death Panels.



Kevin Smith


PS – Your ankle biting comment about my ass cut me to the quick. I must tell you that it is an object of admiration, affection, and in certain circles, awe. I await undismayed your continued assault on same.
That Jimmy Carter was the worst President in the 20th Century there is neither doubt nor dispute. Say what you will about him, and there are so, so many bad things to say about him, he never let his brother live in a mud hut and worry about being eaten by a lion. He encouraged him to make a few bucks by selling his beer and being photographed sitting on his porch scratching his ass while he shilled for Kadaffi. I guess Chicago tough trumps brotherly love. It was said of the “clod populist from Plains” that he changed the world. Under his rule it was marginally dangerous to be an enemy of the America but it was fatal to be a friend.
Think of all those sphincters tightening in the Republic of Georgia and Ossetia. They are even further away than Prague was.