The Editor The Miami Herald

September 24, 2009

The Editor
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

Now that Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi has successfully completed her Washington, D.C. mission of “draining the swamp” and “changing the culture of corruption” perhaps she should visit Broward County.

This morning’s headlines about the arrests of local pols, that is to say grifters, poltroons, and in a bow to diversity, ladrones show that the supposedly mythical headline of “World Ends” – Women and Minorities Suffer Disproportionately, may not be that far from the truth. A woman and two Black men were led into Federal Court handcuffed and shackled.

Let’s start with the dopey broad.

Beverly Gallagher, a member of the Board of Education, therefore a person with one vote, was approached by an unctuous dude who gave her a “white envelope” – I’m from Hudson County, New Jersey. “White envelopes” is a euphemism for the accepted method of pols getting their cut – before the dessert course was finished. I say “one vote” because the envelope would have to weigh 2, maybe 3 stone for there to be enough to swing the entire Board. Who knows? Maybe it was and she did. Assuming she has competent counsel she will start her acapella solo by tomorrow morning.

The Broward Board of Education has an operating budget of more than 3,000,000,000 dollars [that’s b as in billions and billions] Despite 4 years of declining enrollment there has been no corresponding drop in any portion of said budget. People who shop every week know that if you have fewer kids at the dinner table you will spend less for milk and bread.

Since government loot, both state and Federal, is based on attendance there doubtless will be a peek at whether or not ACORN and SEIU were piggybacking busload of vertically challenged members from school to school for a recount. I would imagine that 32 4th graders with 5:00 shadows at lunch time should have raised eyebrows but hasn’t “Heather Has Two Mommies” taught us anything?

After her sentencing to dumb broad prison, the one where Martha went, she should be made to sit backwards on a trusty steed and be paraded around the Board of Education HQ for 3 days. She must wear a sign that says “I am a dumb broad. I am a mare’s ass.” Broward school children should have a lottery to see who gets to hit her with bags of cat scat and fish heads. Since we are told that we must use foreign law in our courts perhaps she should be flogged. A dozen well laid on should be sufficient.

She is dumber than a box of hammers. I hope her kids were adopted.

Let’s take a peek at Fitzroy Salesman.

Not since Ima Hogg has there been a name like his. Was his mother’s name Saleslady?

Anybody from New York will remember how bad the football Giants were. It was more than 20 years between play off appearances. They were so bad that the NFL stepped in and appointed George Young to become the GM. The league took operational control away from the owners, the Mara family. In the 1920s the Maras were known as good bookmakers and honest bootleggers. I quickly add that both were honest professions. That is to say that they paid off their winning bets and their bar customers didn’t go blind after 2 drinks. They were the original “outreach” providers. Their knowledge of their neighborhoods was such that ACORN copied them.

They had so much money that they named the eldest son Wellington. The only other Wellington was the Iron Duke who put a major league can of whup ass on Napoleon. The Maras were Irish Catholic. All their children went to Catholic schools. As an alumnus of an all male Catholic high school I can assure you that young Wellington went through Purgatory every day. I can tell you that it took until the end of his second semester as a junior at Fordham before Wellington Mara didn’t have to run a gauntlet of noogies at the dining hall. His classmates came to realize that his father and uncle were sitting on the one commodity that forgave all sins: unlimited beer. His revenge was simple. He gave New York almost 25 years of rotten football. It didn’t cost him anything. The Giants games always sold out.

Fitzroy Salesman learned from him.

There are many reasons for carrying and using a gun in Winn-Dixie.

Brown lettuce, stale bread, surly help, inter alia, are reason to bring assault weapons into the stores. May be if a few of the cashiers were shot it might “encourage the others” as Napoleon said about his policy of executing 3 randomly selected soldiers before a battle. Scratch that. That’s mean spirited and may be a hate crime. Just pistol whip them.

Fitzroy Salesman’s conviction for brandishing a weapon in a Winn-Dixie came about because the incident was caught on tape. The heretofore unreleased audio portion of it reveals that it just wasn’t line jumping that caused the OK Corral face down. He said to the 2 teenagers, “My name is Fitzroy Salesman. You wanna make something of it”? The only possible defense, and one that if I had been on the jury I could guarantee that he would have been acquitted and carried out of the court room on the shoulders of a grateful jury, would have been if they were Quebecois. They weren’t. He was found guilty.

Good ole Fitzroy knew that the end of politics is to get jobs for his pals and to get markers from those who got the jobs. He then uses those makers to climb the ladder of success. Thus, when he got 10 Benjamins from the sting dude for some city work, he called a pal to close the deal. He told the Stinger that the guy on the other end of the phone “owes him”. “After all”, he added, “I got him his fucking job”.

Fitzroy Salesman’s biggest selling job will soon he upon him. It will consist of Uncle Bubba asking him politely if he could please pick up the soap. Life consists of being either a pitcher or a catcher. His choice will be upon him soon.

I save the best for last.

Broward County Commissioner Josephus Eggelettion should be keelhauled before his trial. He gets – I didn’t say earns – more than $200,000 from his two employers. #1 is the Broward County Board of Education where he is, so help me, a “diversity expert”. Who knows? Maybe he and Fitzroy Salesman had a deal going. He is also a Broward County Commissioner. That means he has hasn’t done an honest day’s work since Jimmuh Carter was turning the thermostat down in the White House while he was playing tonsil hockey with Brezhnev.

Both lactating mammarys were and are kept overflowing by taxpayer dollars.

Little Joe took his show on the road.

He was doing deals in the Bahamas laundering US dollars. Further investigation may show that he was responsible for the banking meltdown.

You may recall that a few years back he got his dick caught in the wringer by double billing for some trips overseas. A trip to Tokyo, a trip to Rio, and an $800 dollar computer case caused a tilt on the audit machines of two agencies. Obviously the audit was done by a rookie. Where do you think the Lord Barack the Beneficent and blessed be his name got the bus that he uses to toss people under? On the local level the bus doubles as a shredder.

The worst part of his scams was that he wasn’t a “stand up guy” about it.

He blamed two secretaries. One worked for the Board of Education while the other worked for the County Commission. Sheriff Ken Jenne, AKA Emperor Beppo, learned from him. He used his secretary as a cut out when he got money from a friend doing business with his office.

I am reminded of Thomas More when he realized he was doomed because of false testimony from Sir Richard Rich. He asked which seal of office was Rich wearing. “Sir Richard is appointed Attorney-General for Wales”. More replies that it profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world …but for Wales”!

At least he got a country.

These 3 stooges, having sold their souls for not even a whole bowl of porridge, are part of the growing tapestry of shame – local version. There will be enough work here for two or three Penelopes

One party dominance leads to inbreeding. Faulty genes are no excuse for thievery.

I have been her 13 years. The only time a Republican was on the County Commission was when a Democrat went “inside”. A Republican Governor appointed his successor. He was turned out by the voters at the next election.

Come on down Speaker Pelosi. Fertile fields await.



Kevin Smith