Hillary Clinton Secretary of State

April 16, 2010

Hillary Clinton
Secretary of State
2201 C Street NW
Washington, DC 20520

RE: At last! Something that is rising faster in Washington than the Federal deficit.

Madame Secretary,

Of course I mean the liquor bill at Foggy Bottom. I hope you’re drinking American.

This morning I saw a marvelous picture of you on the internet, the one that your husband’s VP Alpha Gump invented. You were on an airplane carousing like the old days sat the Rose Law Firm Christmas party. At least you weren’t drinking egg nog. You know what they say, “A moment on the lips, forever on the hips”. The last time I saw you with whiskey in hand was during the Pennsylvania primary when you were doing shots and beers in a bowling alley. I wonder what chapter of Saul Alinksy’s Rules for Radicals covered that.

Then I saw your picture in the Miami Herald. You co-authored an article on energy and how Costa Rica, Saint Kitts, the lost Caribbean Kingdom of Kafiristan, Suriname, Devils’ Island, the Chamizal, Trinidad but not Tobago, the Grand Duchy of Carmen Miranda, Sark West, Mexico’s wind center in Oaxaca, the Peoples’ Republic of the Spanish Steps, Dominica, Leeward Graustarkia, Culebra, Windward Ruratania, Calle Ocho, a biomass center in Brazil, a geothermal center in El Salvador and the United States, the world’s largest producer of “RESET” buttons, are going to join hands and remake the energy paradigm in the Americas – Cuba, Venezuela, and Bolivia excepted. Maybe we can get some of the drug cartels involved. They seem to know what they are doing.

Needless to say, you have a slightly loopy look. It would be like the first time you caught Handsome Billy trying to use your pantyhose to make a Bimbo strapado.

At some point you have to ask if John Foster Dulles or John Hay had to say things like this. I know that Henry Kissinger never said such claptrap. Madeline Albright would have said it. Here’s a woman who gave lap dances to Jesse Helms. She would have said anything.

This country can’t drill in ANWR because of concern for Arctic char and peripatetic ptarmigan. Perhaps we’ll convert it into a hospice for terminal polar bears.

At some point you had to sign off on the loan guarantee to let a company controlled by George Soros drill off the coast of Brazil. Who cares about oil spills there?

I can’t wait for the arrival of the Barbados solar water heater machine. Doubtless it will be environmentally sensitive, organically grown, and give new job opportunities to women and minorities and women minorities. It will be part of the expanded health care package. It will enable us to shut down all those nasty coal mines. Why not have an official set aside for patents of perpetual motion machines to be held by single moms who are women of color with children in need of a good Ritalin program?

Who says that government can’t run a successful Rainbow Stew franchise?

Can’t you do an earmark for Haiti and Union City, NJ? Maybe you could throw some business to the Puerto Rican assassins and bomb throwers that your husband pardoned.

If you have ever seen a working biomass you would know that the biggest raw material is ca-ca. Ca-ca de caballo is preferred but if Dobbin isn’t in the mood we can just use the effluence and the offal from the State Department.

Based on your article that biomass could keep us going for another decade.

That is why I think you should be drinking more.

That is why I think you are drinking more.


Kevin Smith

PS – You spent a good deal of your time in the Senate hectoring the country on why we shouldn’t allow the Chi-Coms to own so much of our Treasury obligations. I can’t wait for when you tell them to take their money and shove it.
PS – I just saw the video of the speech you gave in 2003 on why it is the duty of every American to protest against the government. With your permission I will include said speech in my soon to be completed visual dictionary under the headings of “shrew”, “shrill”, “ PMS Bitchy is a terminal disease”, and “banshee”.