Letter to the Editor The Miami Herald

April 22, 2010

Letter to the Editor
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: How refreshing! And on Earth Day to boot. Who says satire is dead? Some comments on the Op-Ed signed by EPA acting Head Cossack Stan Meiburg.

Sirs,

Sometimes the editorial pages of the Miami Herald read like they have been “weaned on a pickle”. The constant reminder of our “better angels”, the tsk-tsking at partisanship, the unwavering belief that governments can overcome gravity, and the never ending contortions that would make Dante envious. I have just described an editorial staff in thralldom to the constantly shifting standards of modern American Liberalism. Did I just say “shifting standards”? Yes, I did.

You gave me pause today. Somewhere in that cauldron of lock step thinking there is a free spirit desperately yearning to be outed.

Stan Meiburg, acting head of the Atlanta office of the EPA, is surely a composite character. His picture shows a smiling face but if he means what he has written he could become the poster boy for Gin for Breakfast clubs.

He begins his hectoring by telling us that “the average American needs 25 acres, 3 times the world average, to support his lifestyle”. Logic, that cruel master, would suggest he wants the “average American” to give up 16 acres of good and plenties as if this will somehow make life better in Zimbabwe or Myanamar.

He begins his list by telling us to “use less water”.

#1 – The designs for Roman public baths are still available. How about we all scrub each other’s backs?

He tells us to “commute without polluting”.

#2 – I have petitioned the Miami Herald since 1997 to use its vast editorial reach to mandate that all public employees must use public transit. No exceptions. None. Further, to show that your heart is in the right place, all Herald employees must agree, as a condition of employment, never to set foot in a privately owned vehicle unless it is a Paddy wagon or a hearse.

He tells us to “save electricity”.


#3 – I have petitioned the Miami Herald since 1997 to stop the environmentally rapacious practice of air conditioning in its World HQ by the Bay. Just say no. Just turn it off. Atlanta gets pretty hot in the summer so I am sure that when Mr. Meiburg explains to his employees the nature of the problem facing humanity they will be more than willing to give up their A/C also. A bonus, a serendipitous happy event from this, is that we know that fewer polar bears will drown. That means that these lovable ice dancers will eat more baby seals. There will be fewer baby seals being poleaxed for the sake of couture. A win-win-win all around except maybe for the seals. Of course, if you care more about them then the bears turn you’re A/C up to hanging meat temperature. That way you’ll drown the bears insuring that the seals will set the Guinness Book ablaze for reproducing. As you can see, everything is interconnected. Got it?

He tells us to “reduce, reuse, recycle”.

#4 – I am glad to see that Mr. Meiburg has learned from Chairman Mao, the 20th century’s greatest murderer. Mao looked on the collective Chinese bowel movement as the world’s largest fertilizer factory. The Chi-Coms had some rough patches with it in the beginning but something must have worked. How could they have become a silent partner with Wal*Mart? How could they afford to own all those Treasury Bills if it didn’t? Maybe we could have communal collection pits, next to the public baths, before you use the public baths, working on an odd/even bonus system. I’ll get back to you when I work out the details. It sounds like a natural for some Stimulus swag, don’t you think?

He tells us to “test our homes for Radon”.

#5 – I know a bit about Radon. It is a noble gas. That means it is inert. If you think you have it check the lowest part of your house first. If you have it and you want to get rid of it in an environmentally sensitive manner open the windows and turn on a fan. Radon is measured by some very sensitive devices. All Physics is measurement. Radon is measured in pico curies. The highest concentration of Radon in the world is to be found on the outside walls of the Lincoln Memorial. If you were to press your nose to the wall and hold the meter there it could not measure the emanation. If you were to step back 2 feet it would also be immeasurable. In those 2 feet it is disbursed harmlessly into the atmosphere. The lesson to be learned from this is stunningly simple. Should you find the need to have your nose nailed to any monument in Washington, DC fight like hell to make sure it’s the one for Jefferson.

He tells us to “check your local air quality”.

#6 – We all “know” that man made CO2 is the biggest pollutant in the world. Again the simple solution is at hand. By fiat or by ukase just issue a reg limiting the number of times people can exhale. The older you are the fewer gasps you get. Naturally, some exceptions will be carved out for women and minorities since they suffer disproportionately. The dreaded “Word Police” can double in brass by being “Lung Police”.

He tells us to “use chemicals wisely”.

#7 – Stop the presses! Who knew? Avoid swimming in the fertilizer swill. Eschew plastic. All plastic. Don’t use the overflow from the polyester factory for your tofu stew or rainbow soup. By the way, fire burns. Also, as Orwell said, “Stones are hard, water is wet”. Try to remember these lessons. Teach your son.

He tells us to “enjoy the outdoors safely”.

#8 – Avoid swimming with alligators. Wear warm clothes if it is cold. Don’t get between a mother bear and her cubs. Don’t wear white after Labor Day. Drink white wine only when they run out of red. Don’t keep score at children’s games. Use sun screen Avoid the social ramble. Train cows not to fart. Also sheep. Don’t pet the pythons. Capture some manatees to make sausage for the homeless.

He tells us to “spread the word”.

#9 – Here’s the word I am going to spread…

For spreading such Godawful anti-rational claptrap, I hereby name you

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

For thinking that there are no rational adults, people with built in bullshit detectors, I hereby name you

POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH

For having the regulatory soul so common to statist thugs, I hereby name you

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR


Kevin Smith



CC - SMEPA