Stephen L. Goldstein The Sun-Sentinel

April 25, 2010

Stephen L. Goldstein
The Sun-Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: A promise kept plus a few comments on your column today on how the Bush family still attacks nesting turtles and manatees.

My dear Professor,

I promised that I would cease and desist from playing Whack-A-Mole with your perpetually outraged psyche for Lent. [I won’t bother you with the theological details but it’s possible that my sacrifi8ce may have saved some polar bears.]

I almost got to Pentecost.

Your quasi-philippic about the evil Bush family – Barbara Bush as Ma Barker is bit of stretch, no? – and the way that it and their cabal members, Halliburton, the Bilderburgs, the Illuminati, the Tri-Lateral Commission, and the Tea Party Thugs control every aspect of our lives up to and including haute couture.

Excessive rhetorical incontinence, proof positive that you can gild a lily, is a common trait to all card carrying modern American Liberals. I salute you as being primus inter pares.

You were inches away form a clean getaway in today’s column about Jeb Bush, AKA “Warlock Magnus”, until the following sentence.

“Jeb’s been publicly mum, but his sons,
with no credential but their name,
have blessed Rubio.”
[Italics mine]

That’s a dumb thing to say. Correction. That’s a very dumb thing to say.

How can I mock thee? Let me count the ways.

In the Democratic primary for U.S. Senate Congressman Kendrick Meek is running unopposed. How did he get to Congress?

His mother, Congresswoman Carrie Meek, cheated the death tax by giving her son her seat while still breathing. Who says you have to die for primogeniture to kick in? He seems like a nice young man but if Kendrick’s last name sounded like Shipitofsky or Gonzales he’d be dodging cars like a matador as he sold the Sun-Sentinel in our busy intersections.

Speaking of other members of the Lucky Sperm Club how about Congressman Patches Kennedy? Which specific qualifications other than being Tosspot Ted’s son did he have? On top of being a world class toper and a boob he is a world class shit. The only House he could have gotten into on his own has high walls, rubber rooms, close circuit TV, no sharp instruments, and doors without inside handles. Even the garbageman has memorized the 12 Steps.

Cur Kennedy has a cousin who was Lt. Governor of Maryland. She was so dumb she made my hair hurt. Who can forget her memorable TV appearance where she confused a football with a touchdown three times? Her single greatest achievement as an adult was being able to figure out what to do with her thumbs.

He has another cousin who decided that she wanted to be the United States Senator form New York. We’ll have a party as soon as she figures out that verbs and nouns sometimes make a sentence. As the reigning Queen of No-Sequiturs…ah but I repeat myself.

It is worth noting that every Kennedy wench in the public eye uses her maiden name as a crutch. Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg. When you suffer from acute “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” [SASE] and you are not sure how to spell TV or what color an orange is you need all the affirmative action help you can get.

Locally, another pleasant young man, Evan Jenne, a self proclaimed reader of romance novels if we are to believe his CV, a man whose singular achievement as an adult was to save a lot of money by shunning barber shops, sits in the state legislature because fortuna gave him the right father. He has the perpetual look of a man who gets lost on a ladder.

The voters will have a chance to rid themselves of the hated Bush pox this year at the polls. Should they not do so perhaps you will present yourself to the electorate for their consideration? I don’t know who your father was but I am sure he would have been proud to see you trying to get something the old fashioned way. By earning it.

Kevin Smith