Steven Thomma McClatchey Newspapers

April 8, 2010

Steven Thomma
McClatchey Newspapers
700 12th Street NW
Washington, DC 20005

RE: History, the moving finger and the bird, and the Trousered Apes who confuse them.

Mr. Thomma,

Accustomed as I am to any story under the McClatchey brand being unhindered either by fact, perspective, or nuance I knew I was in for a treat, a very special treat, when I stumbled on your tale of eclectic Historical editing of text books published on April 1, 2010.

In 1974 I was called a Nazi for daring to ask what the teaching of batik in the lower grades of the St. Cloud Grammar School in West Orange, NJ had to do with whether or not my son could read. While I am a purist about the First Amendment I did not take kindly to that. I pointed out the error to the speaker in a way that greatly impressed him.

15 years later the New York State Board of Regents issued a ukase – and aren’t they all ex cathdera? – about the Constitution in general and James Madison in particular. The Board let it be known that henceforth the influence of the tribal councils of the 5 Nations, and I will award you the most prestigious Herotodus is my Hero laurel if you can name said 5 Tribes, must be highlighted when discussing the American Constitution. The Board wanted to decrease the influence that DWEMs [Dead White European Males] had on Madison and increase the influence that the idyllic Hudson Valley aborigines had on him. After all, weren’t those White guys all slave owners?

Your interesting article lists 5 topics that you say knuckle dragging Conservatives are seeking to rewrite. Let’s visit them one by one.

#1 – Jamestown - Laying aside the form of ownership of the original settlers the main reason why they almost starved to death was that they grew tobacco rather than corn or wheat. For a time tobacco, like amber before and aluminum after, was the most valuable commodity in the world. Bubbles were meant to burst or they woldn’t be called bubbles, would they? Joe Camel really worked Elizabethan England to a frenzy, it being back in the time when it was still legal to advertise the joys of smoking and chewing. It is said of the bayonet that you can do everything with it except sit on it. The end uses of tobacco are legion. Alas, there was/is/shall be no way to eat it.

#2 – Alexander Hamilton – “A national debt, properly managed, can be a national blessing.” When you finish reading the Federalist Papers get back to me. Did you know that he wanted to make Paterson, NJ the industrial capital of America? The New York Post and the Bank of New York are part of his legacy.

#3 – Theodore Roosevelt – One of my favorite TR quotes comes from his handling of the Agadir Incident. Since you are doubtless familiar with it I will leave out those little facts that make it so interesting. Suffice to say that TR’s pro British stand was taken to be anti German by many people in America. The German Mayor of Milwaukee, proud of his Hunnish background, wired the President expressing his outrage. In the telegram he mentioned that he was supported by 100,000 German-Americans. Teddy wired him back saying that there was at least 100,000 lamp posts in America.

Another of his great accomplishments was his forcing the acceptance of football helmets by American colleges.

Many half-wits say he stole the Panama Canal from the Panamanians. “Not so, not so”, as the great Rumsfeld would say. He stole the province of Panama from Colombia. Then he built the canal’

“All History is biography; all biography is anecdote.”

#4 – The other Roosevelt – You know, of course, that candidate Roosevelt campaigned in 1932 promising to balance the budget. One of his campaign promises was to stop deficit financing. Honest. You could look it up.

If we take March 4, 1933 as the starting point every measurable standard of the economy was worse after 6 years of the New Deal. GDP, GNP, employment, tax revenues, bankruptcies, inter alia, were worse after 6 years of Fireside Chats, Alphabet Agencies, attempted Court packing, and the achingly horrible plays of Clifford Odets

Modern American Liberals are quite comfortable reviling Birthers. I am curious as to why some of their billingsgate is not saved for Truthers. Your research assignment is to trace the design and production of the Boeing B-17 in Wichita, Kansas as the starting point for the industrial recovery in America.

I envy you your coming joy at the discovery of unknown things. It is obvious from your screed that all of the above is terra incognita to you.

Other little known facts about FDR include

A – He made it illegal for Americans to own gold coins. He forced Americans to sell him their coins for $20 an ounce. For the twin purposes of international settlements and Treasury financial statements he then raised the price to $35 on ounce. That was a great trade for the Feds but not for the citizens. His bullion shenanigans destabilized the silver market. Silver was the metal that was the glue in Chinese society. The main beneficiary of this was Mao-tse Tung and his merry revelers. You can look it up.

B – He didn’t smelt all the gold. In October, 1942 $20,000,000 dollars in $20 gold pieces was put on a cruiser at the Bayonne Navy Base. It was to be used as bribes for the North African WOGs prior to the American invasion. My father was the Federal official who helped to count them.

C – Did you ever wonder how the Feds were able to snatch up all the Americans of Japanese descent so quickly in 1942? FDR called his good friend Governor Warren of California and enlisted him in pre-Gitmo Gitmo incarcerations. This was done so quickly and efficiently thanks in part to the active participation of the Census Bureau. There is ample precedent for this. General Sherman, the originator of the still popular “surge”, was able to pick and choose the plantations he would “visit” based on what the 1860 Census said.

D – Why did FDR take the advice of the New York Times and recognize the USSR? The main dispenser of this was a Times employee named Walter Duranty. I tremble when I think that there may be some reporters who are unaware of his perfidy. Somewhere Thucydides or Gibbon, maybe both, said “I smell a rat”. As soon as I find where I will get back to you.

E – Did he know about Pearl Harbor before it happened? Speaker Foley conducted a House investigation on the “October Surprise” because, as he said, “There was no evidence”. You can look that one up too. It’s never too late.

F – Why did FDR dump Henry Wallace from the ticket in 1944? I am still scratching my head over that one. You don’t suppose

G – One thing that absolutely did not happen was FDR getting on TV in 1929 to tell the American people that there was a depression coming. Regardless of what Curley Biden, named Curley in honor of the smartest Stooge said, it never happened. I cite the following reasons: There was no TV in 1929 and he wasn’t the President. If you can get past those two turds in the punch bowl maybe Howard Zinn could write an interesting narrative about it. How about tunes by Woody Guthrie and dialogue by any member of the Hollywood Ten?

#5 – Joe McCarthy – McCarthy without the penumbras and nuances of History is the way of the dullard and the dunce. McCarthy’s arena contained the following events:
A – Alger Hiss was at Yalta as a Presidential assistant. Does anyone know if there were any winks, nods, or secret handshakes between him and his Soviet counterparts?
B – Julius Rosenberg and his Hecate mate Ethel led the successful conspiracy to steal the atomic bomb for the Russians.
C – 54,248 Americans were killed in Korea. 4,578 are still listed as missing in action.
D – If McCarthy were as bad as he is made out to be why did Bobby Kennedy volunteer to be his first attorney? You may be surprised to know that his father and brother were greatly in favor of him getting the job. He was succeeded by Roy Cohn.
E – If A&B are true and since we know that C happened couldn’t a case be made for him using the rack for interrogations?

The New York Times mourned the death of President Warren G. Harding as one of the great tragedies in American History. It was a while before they changed their minds. Despite the Kellogg-Briand Naval Treaty the Japanese Navy and the German Navy tried for 3 long years to sink the ship on which my wife’s father served. Everyone knows that Spain was the leader in the killing of heretics. The problem with that is that were far more deaths in 16th century Protestant England because you went to the wrong church then were in Catholic Spain.

I mention that because History is like an osmotic filter. Rumors, half truths, half lies, lies, innuendo, the fog of war, penumbras, questions…everything…gets poured into the open end. It then gets both shaken and stirred. Time wounds all heels.

For 50 years Mr. & Mrs. Beard set the tone for American History, particularly the parts about the Constitution. Their thesis, that the Founding Fathers were mostly money hungry shits, went unchallenged. In fact, it resonated with those of a scientific socialist mindset who dearly loved to find “facts” that buttressed their arguments. It took 5 years of research by one Historian, C. Forrest McDonald, to disprove their thesis and to prove the opposite. The Beards fell down into the memory hole that modern American Liberals keep handy for their fallen idols.

Think Dan Rather saying, “So what if the documents are false, look at the big picture”. The best place to present non-thoughts such as that would be on Broadway. There, all things are possible. A quick glance at the past winners of Pulitzer Prizes for drama proves that “kissing don’t last but cooking do”. People still ask why Oedipus went to Colonnus. Is anyone interested where the Angels in America have gone? Why was a musical about an Argentinean hooker wildly successful while a touching love story about the Titanic, forgive me, floundered by the head?

I have to go now. Damn them but The Gods of the Copy Books Headings have just cleared their collective throats. Jimmy Carter is still the worst President in the 20th Century. The vote was unanimous.






Kevin Smith