Senator Jay Forbes Kerry

July 25, 2010

Senator Jay Forbes Kerry
222 Milliken Place
Fall River, MA 02721

RE: The boat, the whole boat, and nothing but the boat

Senator Kerry,

Yet more proof, as if any more were needed, that the key to financial security for modern American Liberals is to marry well. That you did it twice, and may I say that I miss madcap Gypsy Lady Tereza so very much since she captivated the nation in 2004, is a testament to you having a plan and sticking to it. I put no stock in the rumors that you are chatting up Teddy’s widow.

Now, about that boat…

#1 – Whatever else you do don’t let go of the sky hook that you are holding on to. You have one foot in the bi-valve scat so common to all the bottom feeding Massachusetts pols. If you let go you will be in it up to your Aquiline nose. I daresay that if you were to float on your back you would be deemed a hazard to navigation.

#2 – Since your good bud Curly Biden – God’s Holy Trousers, but isn’t he a horse’s ass of Homeric proportions? – says this is “the summer of recovery” you may have some image work to do. Try telling the Boston Globe [they’ll believe anything] that you misheard the salesman. Due to your war wounds your hearing is like an underpowered FM station. It fades in and out. You thought he said it was going to be built in Maine by workers with new zeal. What he really said was that the main thing is that we can beat the Davis-Bacon wages that you would have to pay in Maine by having it built in New Zealand. Try it, they’re so far in the tank they are starting to embarrass the New York Times.

Hey! You were for the boat before you were against it, right?

#3 – It may be a bit of a stretch to say it was a “shovel ready” project but give it a try. What’s the worst that could happen? It’s only a small lie.

#4 – I may be wrong but isn’t teak, the wood that your boat is made of, an endangered species? A few tree vipers, horny toads, assorted arboreal critters, and some Rain Forest Abos may have lost their home because of you. Buy some Carbon Offsets from VP Alpha Gump. It will get you back in good graces with the tree loving loons and it may help him release either his chakra or his sex crazed poodle.

#5 – I have been asking this question of you for 6 years. I am from Hudson County, New Jersey. I have no problem with “juice” be it local, federal, global, or




Interplanetary. You used your “juice” to get a fire hydrant moved from the front of your digs in Boston. My question is simple. Where did it go?

#6 – You just have to tough it out on the tax problem. Like I said, I have a Bayonne background. I now live in South Florida. I may be projecting too much but the only thing that could cause you permanent harm would be public necrophilia. I mean the good voters of Massachusetts kept sending Fatso Kennedy back to the Senate even after he admitted that he killed someone. Barney Frank, the Wump Wangling émigré from Bayonne, ran a whore house in his basement. It proved to be no impediment to him at election time. Who knows? Maybe his constituents got discounts. Talk about service with a smile!

The thing to remember is that you can turn this around on a dime. If guys with pitchforks show up at one of your many, many houses looking to run you out of town on a rail tell them that your favorite song is “I Love a Parade”.

#7 – Use your boat for good purposes. The aforementioned Barney Frank has a youth brigade. Bring them on board so they can learn the traditions of the Royal Navy. The children of single moms, women of color who are oppressed by the low prices at WAL*MART, could learn to water ski. You could put a few six pounders on her bow to shoot at anybody who wants to put up windmills.

#8 – I wrote to you many times in 2004. I was never really sure how many houses you had. The question, for which no answer was ever forthcoming, was how many fireplaces you had. I think it had something to do with old growth trees, spawning salmon, and a return to the Age of Steam. The truth is I have forgotten. How many fireplaces does your boat have?

#9 – While you are cruising around see if you can find copy of your DD214. That’s the paper you get on your last of military service. It says it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I stopped asking for it after you promised to produce it about seven hundred and forty six times and never did. The world wonders.

#10 – I wonder if Tereza knows that this is the best year ever to be on the receiving end of a will. In Florida senior python wrestling is a growing activity at the Prune Heights Nursing Home. There has been tremendous increase in the number of septuagenarian triathlons. Senior power lifting and mixed martial arts are now covered under Medicare. It sure beats the bad press that will come with the Death Panels. You won’t have to be upside down with your mortgage if you can get Granny on a safari. Does Tess have a food taster?

#11 – If the cook leaves pulp in your juice will it be a flogging offense?
#12 – You may not believe this but I have some big time media connections in Boston. You get me a white envelope swollen with Benjamins and we’ll start to get you out of this mess.

#13 – Lincoln was wrong. You can fool all the people all the time.


Kevin Smith