Dan Becker Dan Gerstenzang The Miami Herald

May 25, 2012
Dan Becker
Dan Gerstenzang
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, FL 33132-169

RE: In praise of Global Warming – some comments about article in today’s Miami Herald that combines the enticing smell of “Rainbow Stew”, the captivating aura of “Balloon Juice”, and the astonishing ability of Horses’ Asses of the modern American Liberal stable to overlook facts, ignore History, and do great damage to Logic.

Sirs,

See if you can follow this. I’ll type slowly.

A bit more than a millennium ago the earth experienced an upward spike in temperature. That means it got hotter. Here comes the good part. More land became arable. [Have you ever wondered how Greenland got its name?] Protein became more abundant. People got smarter. Voila! The Renaissance! Please don’t tell me that you have a problem with Dante.

Hark back to the halcyon days of the ‘70s. The impending doom du jour was, and I am not kidding, was Global Cooling. An academic ohmadahn of Homeric proportions, Paul Ehrlich, PhD, told that the race was on to see if we would freeze to death or starve to death by the year 2000. [He proclaimed that the main culprit in this was the Roman Catholic Church but that’s a different story.] Empirical evidence would suggest that he was 0 for 2 on both predictions. In the world of pseudo-science populated by fakers who want to change pi from 3.1416 to 3.0 to raise the self-esteem of failing Geometry\students that doesn’t ever raise a yawn. What counts for these snake oil salesmen are the intentions of the predictor, not the results or the facts.

Going through your not quite unctuous scratchings I find many of the usual suspects.

#1 – “…carbon dioxide, the main global warming pollutant…” One of the first things learned in high school biology is photosynthesis. The end result of all those plants doing something with chloroform is…is…carbon dioxide. If CO2 is bad would not Logic dictate that the Amazon Rain Forest has to go and I mean right quick. Napalm, Agent Orange, Neutron bombs, whatever is at our disposal. After all, we only have one world, right? Brazil might be upset but omelets don’t grow on tree. We have got to crack a hellacious amount of eggs. Start now.

#2 – “fighting climate change” – Since I am on the cutting edge of climatology I must tell you that I have found a new sorcerer. He is, forgive me, a true Renaissance man. Professor Antonio Vivaldi tells of the phenomenal effects of, are you ready, climate change. I suggest you become familiar with him and his works.

#3 – “COAL” – Here is a local solution for a global problem. Half the electricity produced in this country comes from burning coal. Half the electricity produced in this country is used for air conditioning. The two of you look like bright guys. Can you see where I am going with this? I have been asking the Miami Herald since 1997.to turn off its air conditioning. No foreplay, no transition. Just hit the off switch. Dismantle the units. Sell the copper tubes for scrap; Give the money to the undeserving poor. Gaia will love you. Open the windows. Get hand held and hand operated fans from the local funeral parlors. On really, really hot days the serendipitous bonus will be much needed cardiovascular exercises. Plus, no carbon footprint. A win,win,win all around.

#4 – “Financing” – Your plan seems to involve all the fun parts of Solyndra, fur lined sinks, 50/50s to cure the deficit, bake sales to keep the Mandarin moneylenders content, and multi-level marketing.

A – Doubtless, you have signed the backs of paychecks. You have never signed the front of one.

B – As soon as you said “performance contracts are like magic wands” I dropped my spoon. I dropped it intentionally. Thank God I saw that the laws governing gravity had not been repealed. When I reaffirmed my long held belief that “rocks are hard and water is wet” I was able to continue on with the rest of my day.

#5 – My grandfather, the legendary Jack Smith, went to his grave with one huge unanswered question. Why are there more horses’ asses than horses’ heads? At birth the number is equal. I am trying to channel him a la Hillary Clinton and Eleanor Roosevelt. If I can get to him I’ll tell him to read your article.

Since we are speaking of asses let me go from equine to bi-pod. Here’s a pop quiz. It’s an open book test.

Bend over. Put both hands behind you. Try to find your ass.

Report back when you do.


Kevin Smith