Mayor Richard Kaplan

May 30, 2012

Mayor Richard Kaplan
5581 West Oakland Park Boulevard
Lauderhill, FL 33313

RE: It’s not easy being green. It’s easy being stupid.

Mr. Mayor,


“Anticipating a green future, Mayor Richard Kaplan wants to make
sure new homes built in the city can accommodate electric car chargers and
solar roof panels without their owners having to pay for costly retrofits.”
The Sun Sentinel
May 29, 2012

At last, at last, Milton Friedman notwithstanding, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

Just when I think the bottom has been reached, just when I think “it” can’t get much worse, just when I think that the number of horses’ asses is coming back into balance with the number of horses’ heads [Shouldn’t those numbers always be equal?}
a modern American Liberal in a public position steps up and says something so stupendously, egregiously stupid that Guinness must create a new category of public boobery.

#1 – “One million [1,000,000] electric cars by 2015” – Mayor Kaplan

Some people shouldn’t drink gin in the morning. You, for instance. In fact, Listerine has too much alcohol for you. Here’s some more really useful information for you. Sharp instruments? Heavy machinery? Avoid them like a pulled pork sandwich on Shabbos.

The only chance of getting to one million [1,000,000] electric cars by 2015 will come from the Bankruptcy Court giving the tax loss carry forward of Solyndra to a to be formed consortium of Match Box Cars and Tonka Trucks so they can finance 28 hour a day, 8 days a week construction of those cute little puppies.

#2 – The fastest way to Go Green and Get Green in Lauderhill is to turn off the air conditioning at City Hall. Start with your office. Then go the office dispensing permits.
Next stop, the tax collection office

. Any place that has a Florida Power and Light meter recording the wasteful burning of fossil fuels, the 7 League Boot Carbon Footprint destruction of the ozone layer and the sacred Rain Forest, the explosion of soon-to-be-clubbed to death baby seals since the polar bears drowning because of Global Warming guarantees that there is nothing left to eat them, inter alia – Did I mention teenage obesity, bullying, and the heartbreak of psoriasis? - is to have its plug pulled post haste, cold turkey, and double quick.

Open the windows. Hydrate. Hydrate.

Here’s a bonus.

It will save the manatees and lead to a “fairer” tax system.

All you have to do you ohmadahn, you Brobdanaglian boob, is to hit the off switch.

Fame, glory, and automatic induction into the modern American Liberal Hall of Fame is within your grasp.

Kevin Smith

PS – If a Florida Power & Light meter buying electricity from consumers sends a near orgasmic tingle up your leg why not harness teenage overweight bullies to a treadmill hooked up to the city’s main meter? You won’t need a photo ID to identify them. In addition to being so big that if they step on their cat’s tail it dies they are always on the lookout for kids younger than they are to give them Noogies. The Law of Unintended Consequences says that only good things can happen. Fat kids get skinny; bullied kids don’t get bullied; FP&L owes you money. “The voice of the turtle will be heard in the land.”