Steven L. Goldstein The Sun Sentinel

May 10, 2012
Steven L. Goldstein
The Sun Sentinel

My dear Professor,

Could it be a Damascus moment?

There can be no doubt that same sex marriages must be in the Democratic platform this year. Not to do so would be an intellectual and moral disaster. Further, it would be malfeasance of the highest order to have the convention in North Carolina. Bite the bullet, remembering that the first markdown is always the cheapest. Have Curley Biden – named in honor of the smartest stooge – go back on Sunday TV and say Adios, Tar Heels.

There will be some economic consequences but that’s wyt you have a Shovel Ready Summer of Recovery Stimulus Program.

There will be no disruption. The answer lies in your devotion to pure democracy.

Every delegate gets a laptop. Use some bandwidth and satellites to broadcast it. Have some honorary delegate posts: The Mission district of San Francisco, the Stonewall in Greenwich Village, [Fire Island if it goes into overtime] and Provincetown, MA for its summer breezes. Have RuPaul be the Master of Ceremonies with some catchy tunes from La Cage aux Folles. NAMBLA can have a national TV audience featuring them and the world famous Dancing Boys of Islam.

On the final night have one of those mass weddings that everyone so enjoyed when the Reverend Moon was in his prime. A thousand men wearing gowns and a thousand women wearing white tie and tails. Unlike a Chinese takeaway the option of one from each column will not be available. No mixing and matching. The only option is two from one column. As a run up to the big night you could have “Say Yes to the Dress” and “Bridezilla” fans discussing tax policy, nuclear waste disposal, and what to do with “bitter clingers”.

If you follow my suggestions – I’ll really flesh them out over the weekend – it will be the most successful convention since Caligua married his horse. The election will be called off. Lord Barack the Beneficent will be proclaimed Emperor Barack the Sublime. A Profile in Courage awaits the first to go into the pool.

The American people are ready for this. By the end of the year we’ll all wonder what the fuss was about.

In case you are wondering why I have become so fertile it is because I am with my granddaughters in Texas. Although I have not yet found a BAR in tip-top working condition I am training my Texas ladies in snake handling, axe throwing, speed loading,
The Federalist Papers, identity theft, refuting Darwin, helot stalking, the difference between whiskey and whisky, and why modern American Liberals will soon be an endangered species.

They will probably rank above the Delhi smelt but behind the legendary dervish lousewort.

We live in exciting times.

Kool-Aid is being prepared in record amounts. Not only will these nit-wits drink it they will set up IVs and enemas for the infirm.

In the secular humanist world inhabited by heads up their ass modern American Liberals, all of whom are suffering from “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”, I am soon to be like Alexander the Great. He cried when he realized there were no more worlds to conquer.

Vaya con dios, piñata..




Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET