June 22, 2013
Margaret Carlson
Bloomberg News
1399 New York Avenue
Washington, DC 20005

RE: I’m baaaack! Just a few questions about Wonder Woman. It has been some time, say 2 millennia, since I’ve seen anybody walk that well on water.

Ms. Carlson,

What with her “I saw the elephant” moment when she did the tarmac serpentine 2 step after mistaking Serbian thunder for Serbian mortar fire – and a quick deo gratias for her wearing dark pants that day – I doubt that she would say that American military personnel serving overseas were tax cheats. As she herself said, “What difference does it make anyway”?

The picture of her walking off the stage after making the blind see and the silly get their guffaws under control indicates that if she should fail in her quest to hit the reset button when she gets the 3:00 AM wakeup call in the Lincoln bedroom she will have a successful career on QVC as the shill for Spandex. She’s about 2 or 3 crème brulees away from having an ass like a bass drum. “She Got a Pair of Hips Just Like 2 Battleships” may yet be #1 again. She may yet make cellulite popular.

On the other hand, since she was the poster girl for publically abused chicks in the 1990s, it would be poetic justice if she were to have at least one afternoon in the Oval Office with a Brad Pitt or George Clooney underneath the desk giving her “a bit of the gobble”. If she wants Monica that’s OK too.

On to business. As a big time media mogul maybe you could help me.

#1 – I can’t get a copy of her senior thesis. She wrote about Saul Alinsky. Alinsky inspired Bill Ayres who proudly proclaims that he blew up a few Federal buildings back in the good old days. Also, he gave us the Chicago School of Politics. Rule #1 is the admonition about never bringing knives to gun fights.

I would like to read what she says about him.

#2 – She was hired by the largest law firm in Little Rock, Arkansas, a title surpassed only by being named the 3rd tallest building in Wichita, Kansas, the day after her husband was elected Attorney General of Arkansas.

She was made a partner in the largest law firm in Little Rock, Arkansas - visions of the gala festivities of the Final Four weekend of the World’s Tallest Midget contest cloud my vision – the day after her husband was elected Governor of Arkansas.

Coincidence? It’s possible. Jeeves told Bertie that they happen as often as “finding a trout in the milk”. Still, the possibility exists. Could you help me find some of the shards that surely resulted when she hurled herself through that legendary glass ceiling?

#3 – In re her time as an associate and partner at the largest law firm in Little Rock, Arkansas could you tell me how many Federal cases, either civil or criminal she argued? Could you tell me of any cases or issues she argued before any Federal Appellate Court? Could you tell me of any issues or cases she argued before the Supreme Court of the United States? Could you tell me of any mergers or acquisitions she assisted in when she was an associate or partner at the largest law firm in Little Rock, Arkansas?

#4 – This is a chicken or egg question. I am sure you can answer it.

Was Wal-Mart a bad company when she was named an outside director? Did she try to make it a good company and, realizing she couldn’t do it, resign in protest? Was it a neutral company that went bad after she left it? Was it ever a good company?

Would I need 7 League boots to span the chasm that says she got the job because Wal-Mart is based in Bentonville, Arkansas and her husband was the Governor of Arkansas? Even though, based on public records, their pillow time was limited she could whisper something about widening the bridge or narrowing the regulatory authority of some forgotten state agency while he was changing his drawers and getting a new bottle of cologne, couldn’t she?

There have been persistent rumors that when Handsome Billy was dipping his wick in Bug Fug, Arkansas she and Vince Foster, also a partner in the largest law firm in Little Rock, Arkansas were doing the 2 step discovery horizontal tango in the conference room. Assuming they did, and assuming it was consensual “what difference does it make” would very much apply. My only question is whether or not they were billing clients while they were “magic momenting” each other. Get back to me on that, please.

#5 – Is there any possibility she would employ the services of her commodities broker, the famous “Red Bone”? I remember how she read the Wall Street Journal and used him to run $1,000 into $100,000 buying cattle futures. With numbers like that she could turn the deficit into a surplus by the end of Lent in her first term.

#6 – Unless the transaction is cash something called a mortgage is attached to the purchase and sale of real property. Still the best definition is the old one that says “a mortgage is a personal loan secured by a lien on real property”. In the event that the borrower defaults the lender goes through a process called foreclosure. At some point in this process the borrower has the right to appear before a Judge. This could be called “due process”. It is an old system, one honed by time and custom, that gives the appearance both of Justice being done and, more importantly, being seen to be done.
In the matter of the Whitewater Development Company undeveloped parcels of land in rural Arkansas were sold, mostly to low information buyers. The paper work involved was known as a time-sales contract.

I shant bore you with the Rule of 78 or the sum of the digits in figuring out the minutiae of those agreements. Let’s say you buy a car from Big Al. You owe him $500 a month for 36 months. 35 months into the deal you break a leg and can’t pay him. He sends his nephew, Really Big Al, to your house with a tow truck, He hooks it and repos his car. Even though you had been driving it and paying for it for almost 3 years it never belonged to you.

You never get to tell any Judge anything.

You would imagine, you would be mistaken if you did, that somewhere in the largest law firm in Little Rock, Arkansas one little voice would have said “Yes, we have the right to do this but is it right to do it? We are not dealing with sophisticated investors here, are we”?

There is no record of that voice ever being heard.

That’s what “Wide-Bottomed Hillary” did to the untermenschen of Arkansas.

It still stinks. For that, and for that alone, the woman should be flogged.

But wait, There’s more.

#7 – Should she become Queen/Empress will there be a spot at court for Web Hubbell? How about Ira Magaziner? Craig Livingstone? Harold Ickes? Lani Guinier? Sidney Blumenthal? Will her brothers be back peddling pardons? God, but I miss them.

Will Denise Rich get to give Big Bill private saxophone lessons like she did before he pardoned her husband?

The last one is simple.

How did her family know to name her after the guy who climbed Mt. Everest 4 years before he did it?



Kevin Smith