December 14, 2014
Chairman Mitch Caesar, Esq.
Broward County Democratic Party
1852 N. University Drive
Plantation, FL 33322

RE: Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus and I want to thank him for an early Christmas gift. Your list is in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

Ave Chairman Caesar,

Next to certifying to the Guinness Book of Records how many knives have been stuck in the back of Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz [D-FL] and finding out whether it was an uncle or a cousin of Senator Lieawatha Warren [D-MA] who shot Custer, tore out his still beating heart, and ate it while shouting – between bites – Sic Semper White Man, the next best thing is reading what a modern American Liberal ohmadahn, with you being the paradigmatic template, writes.

“There is almost universal agreement
that the planet is getting warmer.”

I have to step back and control my breathing lest I over swing, such being the temptation of medium speed, letter high practice pitches to me, a ruthlessly literate curmudgeon.

First, “almost universal” is offensive to Logic and anathema to etymology. “Almost universal” is like “almost pregnant” or “really unique”. Those words cannot, repeat, cannot be qualified. “Almost a first down” does not give you 4 more downs. Lawyers must be held to a higher standard what with the litmus tests that contracts must undergo. Contracts have words with sharp edges and right angles as does everything subject to the scientific method. [SASE] Parabolic curves are for novels. And late night promises.

Look it up.

Second, the last time there was scientific “universal agreement” was when Ptolemy ruled the astronomical roost. His hegemony lasted for 15 centuries until someone looked in a telescope and said “It moves”.

Check with the most recent demands from the Somali pirates or with the Witness Protection Program to see if they know about his whereabouts. If there were ginormously gigantically carbon foot printing rockets back when he was defrocked he would have had his ass welded to the 3rd stage of an uberMacho Agena express rocket – one way – headed to Calisto.

Third, thank you for telling me that Florida is a peninsula and, as such, is “surrounded on three sides by water”. Next week you can conduct a tutorial on “isthmuses”. Then we can get to “estuaries” and why there is no difference between the Florida Everglades and the swamps in my beloved New Jersey.

This will lead to a discussion on “gravity”, it being the bête noire of modern American Liberals because they cannot legislate it, regulate it, or, so far at least, adjudicate it to bend the curve towards “fairness”, at least as it pertains to those “unlucky in life’s lottery”.

Fourth, I am Dallas-bound to see my Texas ladies. Thank you for telling me that I “must be vigilant in planning for the future of my children and grandchildren”. Your lips to God’s ears. Because of your insight I am planning a few more stocking stuffers. Modern American Liberal Bullshit Detector and Repellant is quite good at close quarters. It has the serendipitous benefit of depleting the ozone layer. Speaking of that, I remember former Vice President Alpha Gump telling us 25 years ago that we had 5 years to live before we were fried to death by a cruel sun untampered by ozone because of man’s desire for deodorant and air conditioning.

The last I heard Brother Gump was trying to play Hide the Salami with a masseuse. Have you heard differently?

My grandfather always marveled at the empirically self-evident fact that there were more horses’ asses than there were horses’ heads. Thanks to your predictably head up your ass bloviations the phenomenon continues.

Five – Save for an unshakeable belief in and support of abortion I know of no card carrying modern American Liberal who favors capital punishment. Allow me to introduce you to Professor Gruber. Is he a game changer? One good thing to come from him is that words will no longer be required to define “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”, His picture, indeed just his name, will do.

Six – Isn’t it time to get a bigger bus? The only person President B.O. hasn’t thrown under it has been his mother-in-law>hey, somebody has to keep his brats in line. He is always working on his golf game and his wife is trying to perfect her okra, endive, arugula, and tofu fat-free pop tarts.

Seven – My contempt for you is not personal. Strictly business.




Kevin Smith