December 26, 2014
Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
10100 Pines Blvd.
Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: 2014 almost gone; 2015 coming up

My dearest darling Debbie,

What is as rare as a brass monkey balls day in December – Let those sophomoric buffoons who preach Global Warming come into the Lone Star state with me – made better by me being with my 3 Texas ladies?

The only way to gild this freezing lily is to don my PROUD GLOBAL WARMER hat and visit some local cultural shrines.

Enclosed you will find receipts from Hobby-Lobby and Chick-Fil-A. I’ll toss one in from Walmart for good measure.

Anything that causes modern American Liberals to get their knickers knotted en masse is OK in my book. Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A offer superior products at reasonable prices for which their happy customer base has rewarded them. They are known as great employers. Put Walmart into the mix and you have a formula for never ending Summers of Recovery.

I bought some Walmart plonk, a California merlot, in hopes of offending the ghost of Cesar Chavez. [Of course you knew that he wanted a very strict immigration policy with deportations after prison sentences. You knew that, didn’t you? Just like you knew that Margaret Sanger, a hero to modern American Liberal chicks, was a teacher of Adolph Hitler who modeled his Nuremberg Race laws on her writings. You knew that also, didn’t you?] Cesar Chavez? I like to date myself, OK?

I would be in oenological heaven if I could decant some wine whose label said made by Gallo and sold by Walmart.

And yes, I have overcome Walmart’s dalliance with Hillary Rodham Clinton as a Director. It is known and understood that since her husband was the Governor of Arkansas a little pillow talk might come in handy for a big company on the prowl. Too bad the bed was usually half empty. Nobody’s perfect. After all, Coca Cola tried New Coke and ditched it as soon as it realized it had made a grievous error. The hard edge HRC gained in the corporate world enabled her to deal with Red Bone the commodities broker, to navigate the treacherous shoals of White Water, and to be ready to give Ricky Ray Rector a lap dance to make sure his electric chair evening went smoothly.

It did.

Anyway, 2014 is measured in hours. I would like you to tell if 2015 will be the year the feral Islamic WOGs will “unclench their fists” five years after we “extended our hand”. Also, is this the year the Summer of Recovery gets here?

I shan’t ask you if “the earth has cooled and the oceans have receded”. Any party that had 3 Presidents in one century say that they “wouldn’t send American boys to fight in foreign wars” just before they sent American boys to fight in foreign wars is entitled to stretch the envelope of Sophistry.

You have had a bit of a rough go what with a few lies on TV followed by an election with results like the Syrian Air Force dog fighting over the Golan Heights. Some of your pals would like you to go quietly into that good night. Relax. I have started a PAC, non-profit of course, for you. It is called “Dems, Don’t Dump Debbie” and it is going gangbusters. As soon as I get my first $10 I am going to open an account at your husband’s bank. That will be OK, right? In spite of President BHO the price of gas is in free fall. I’ll be able to get a gas guzzler called the DebbieWingNutMoonBatMobile to drive around drumming up support for you. Its carbon foot print will be the envy of Climate Change Deniers everywhere.

You go, girl!

I’ll stay in touch.

Count on it.

By the by, I have a dark, dirty, and dangerous job keeping up with your inane persiflage, your gravity defying, offensive to Logic, and just plain dumb statements. Somebody has to do it and if I don’t who will? Plus, if I don’t, in a strange way, the terrorists win.

Not on my watch.





Kevin Smith