February 23, 2016

Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

10100 Pines Blvd

Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: Can I help?

My dear almost bag lady

I’ll explain my “bag lady” comment at the end of my letter.

I just heard President B. Hussein Obama say that “if something isn’t working the way it was intended it must be stopped”.

He was talking about Camp Gitmo, America’s most successful adult Caribbean sleepaway camp. He wants to shut it down. He says it is a recruiting tool for terrorists. Alas, his claim, like so many others, does not pass the bag test. [If you don’t know what the bag test is send a SASE] If it makes Muslims want to come here and blow us up what made those wayward youths blow up 3 buildings on September 11, 2001 what with the camp not yet having been built?

He wants to bring them to this country where the Rule of Ricky Ray Rector will not apply but the Willie Horton furlough rule will.

I quickly add that President B.O. is Far and away the best President we have.

Let me further say that President Trump will have an enormous “shovel ready” job as soon as he takes over. It will be no easy task redirecting the Potomac, the Chesepeake, and the Delaware Rivers to clean out the Augean stables the White House has become.

Hercules himself would prefer a room filled with Cretan bulls and a rabid Cerebus to the above task.

May I be so presumptuous as to suggest that the next time you have the President’s ear you tell him that it’s time, indeed past time, to let Sirhan Sirhan go. After all he only killed one man.

But I digress. 

Herewith my partial list for shutting down things not working. Indeed, a case can be made that they never worked and, what’s more, never could work.

#1 – The War on Poverty – It’s America’s longest war. 52 years to be precise. It’s America’s most expensive war. We sometimes run out of both zeros and commas when trying to tabulate the costs. Its casualty lists make Antietam, the Huertgen Forest and Okinawa look like a walk in the park. 

The people it was supposed to help are worse off financially, morally, and culturally than they were before the bugle of good intentions was sounded.

Assuming you can find someone or something to surrender to just do it. No terms. You win. We lost. It’s time to move on with the rest of our lives.

As interim baby steps send Navy Seal Team 6 to the Department of Energy and the Department of Education. Change the locks. In fact, weld the doors shut and mine the entrances. Give everybody a week’s pay for each year served and tell them under penalty of a severe beating that they can never again speak of either Energy or Education. 

Here are the only 2 facts worthy of consideration:

A – The next kilowatt of energy that the featherbed merchants at Energy produce will be their first.

B – Johnny couldn’t read when Education was begun. If you tell me he can now I will hit you with a bag of flaming cat scat.

As to the “bag lady” reference… 

Perhaps your negative net worth was caused by you sending your children to private school. You did not have the luxury of living rent free in public housing like the Obamas do. It makes their $125,000 annual day school tuition for their 2 daughters easier to pay. 

Let me suggest that you consider giving up your 2 gas guzzling, ice berg melting, polar bear killing, sea level rising choke mobiles. Have you looked in getting a Prius? I have some friends in the car business.  I’ll see it I can get you a good deal on a one-owner Yugo.

It may be just a bit out of line but does your husband have a negative net worth also? Do you file a joint return? If Trump and Hillary release their returns will you also? 

One of the things of which I am most proud is that in addition to “creating” more net jobs in the ‘80s than all the companies on the Dow jones Industrial Average I got my children out of college without them incurring a penny of student loan debt.

I would hate to see them, assuming they are in college, come out with a huge student loan debt. And of course, if they have majors like Gender Studies or Feminist Literature or Origami as the path to self-esteem they’ll be living in your garage for decades.

I would like to help them. 

Say the word and I’ll start a slush fund to help you with tuition. I know how tough it can be. I have some 1%ers as friends who will be more than willing to toss something into the pot. It will be our little secret, OK? 

It would a Christian mitzvah. In the holy season of Lent it counts double.

Kevin Smith

PS – It’s time to reminisce. The first time I read about you was when you would drive your car to the airport and give the keys to the nearest BSO deputy and have him park it. Then I remember when driving to the airport you found that one of your windows was stuck open and couldn’t be closed. You called your pal Sheriff Jenne to tell him this. He said if he couldn’t fix it his deputies would watch it. I’ll say this for modern American Liberals. They sure as Hell can tell the buttered side from the dry. I mean what are friends for, right? Isn’t it time for Jenne to make a comeback? He went inside where he paid his dues. Maybe you can help get his voting rights back.