February 4, 2016

Congresschick Debbie, Debbie,

RE: What’s that smell?

Dear Debbie, Debbie,

“Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” anyone? If you don’t know what that is send a SASE.

I read this morning that you are one of the poorest members of Congress.

Maybe Hillary could set you up with a few speeches at Goldman Sacks. Maybe a yard sale. A 50-50? Maybe you could charge people to see if your hair can break a balloon?

Two homes, one of which is in a gated development which is itself in a gated community that has a gated fire and rescue squad plus a gated manatee rescue shelter and mammal rehab clinic. There are plans for a gated pool with a gate in the pool that keeps the groping, soon to arrive Syrian refugees – They are coming to your town, aren’t they? It’s only fair, right? – from serious cross cultural non gender specific groping. Keeping a house in a “grope free” zone can be expensive.

That’s why I admire your decision to bypass the really fine Broward County public school and send your kids to private school. $20,000 a year per kid times 3 eats into the lock box knepell right quick.

Two gas guzzling, polar bear drowning, rain forest destroying, ginormous carbon footprinting SUVs, vehicles whose gas MPG is slightly better than a B1 bomber can cause a shudder at the pump. As an aside and giving credit however grudgingly to the Obama energy policy is in order. His decision to encourage fracking and slant drilling 7 years ago is paying off at the pump. Gas is so cheap that I encourage my chums to drive around the station before they fill their tanks. The more you put in your tank the more you save, right? That’s the kind of Logic that has given us a never ending Summer of Recovery.

This leads us to the morphing paradigmatic template of Shakespeare and Durante.

You are asking, and rightfully so, how this can be.

#1 – “Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan of times both loses itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.”

#2 – “Elephant? What elephant?

I hope I don’t have to tell you who said what. No female perspective nonsense nit-wit flap doodle there.

Polonius’s advice to Laertes and Ophelia is in disfavor with today’s oh so gender sensitive occupants of the Graves of Academe – English literature section. 

Durante, having been caught stealing an elephant, is asked what he is doing with the elephant.

 “Elephant? What elephant?” is his response.

Which brings us to your parlous finances.

Do you file a joint return? Has the return been made public? If not, why not? Has your husband’s return been made public? If not, why not? In addition to the tax returns don’t you think that members of Congress should have to file certified financial statements? 

Your husband works for an entity that – vulture like – preys on weak banks. I’m not sure what he does for them but, like the Kardashians, he does a lot of it and, apparently, very well.

Banks and government constitute the warp and woof of crony capitalism.

 What percentage of your husband’s business, a business in which you have a beneficial interest, is predicated on governmental winks and nods? Modern American Liberals have the innate ability to tell the buttered side from the dry. I guess I must remind you that Machiavelli announced sotto voce “The wish of the Prince has the force of law”.

I remember when Congressman Barney Frank [D-CA] helped Congresswoman Maxine Waters [D-CA] dodge a sticky finger, non-gun bank heist charge by doing a midnight transfer bedimmed by a world class obfuscatory persiflage outburst.

Do you have to take hourly showers? 

Remember, “The sins we do two by two we pay for one by one”.

If you need some cash let me know.

Kevin Smith

PS – Maybe Hillary can put you in front of some 1%ers who are always looking to get a “marker” on a public official. Speaking of Hillary when she said was taking fees of hundreds of thousands of dollars form Wall Street fat cats she everybody did it. When she said that she hadn’t made up her mind about running my pants went on fire right through the TV set. About the time she discovered what to do with a tampon she decided to run for President. She is a true bruja who couldn’t lie straight in bed.