February 24, 2016

Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

10100 Pines Blvd 

Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: “The quality of mercy….”

Dear Darling Desperate Debbie/Debbie,

I am no longer a great man but as I said yesterday I count many great men as friends.

Almost to a man – Sorry, no chicks – they said they would help you pay for your children’s college education. Before they hand over envelopes stuffed with Benjamins they have ideas on what you could do on your own.

#1 – Tupperware and Herbalife – Both have national reputations. Both have sold billions of dollars of their products. You travel a lot. Why not have your card, complete with 800 number and Visa/MC information, stapled to a catalog of these fine products? Feature the BOGO offers.

#2 – Avon/MaryKaye – Let’s play to your strengths. You are known for your steel wool/barbed wire hair. It is said that your hair was a model for the razor wire at Camp Gitmo. A lot of ladies have it and don’t want it. I am sure these fine companies make a hair straightening product. How about “Debbie’s Hair Spray – Say goodbye to Medusa”? Why not cut a deal with them a la Geraldine Ferrraro/Zucotti or Felini/Zuchini or whatever the Hell her name is and Diet Pepsi? In a week you’ll have half a head of smooth caressable tresses. The other half will be used to sharpen knives and field test bullet proof vests. Here’s a hint, Always get paid on gross sales. If the maker has a good green eye shade guy there never will be a net. In fact, you could wind up owing them money.

#3 – Rush Limbaugh – Rush regularly raises loads of $ for charities. He has an audience of 20,000,000 listeners. Modern American Liberals know that they are all closed mind robots who await instructions from him. Do you remember the scene in “Forest Gump” where Sally Fields talks to the Judge about her son? Why don’t you call Rush? You both live in South Florida. There are many truck stops where a hook-up can be arranged. After all, the children are our future, right?

#4 – The Koch Brothers – You may not be aware of his but the beloved Brothers Koch, both true Christians, both known for their altruism, both known for their rational self-interest, started a fund to educate children of indigent modern American Liberals, particularly half-assed, nit-witted ones. In other words, you. They’ll send your kids to medical school.

#5 – Hillary and Goldman Sachs – She got $675,000 for 3 hours of talking about Monica Lewinsky, for talking about Vince Foster, for talking about Craig Livingstone, for   being the most publically abused and humiliated woman in American History, and for being married to the King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes. It is obvious that people don’t care about Benghazi or e-mails or Travelgate or selling pardons or being a congenital liar. They want to know who was doing the horizontal tango with whom. I don’t know if you ever spent any time on the wild side – You do remind me of Lillian Hellman though – so make it up. Read “50 Shades of Gray”, hint about the long rides on US One and watching “Shaft” with the President. Make it up…if you have to.

#6 – Oprah – Get on her couch. Cry. Wet your pants. Tell them you only make 77% of what Congressman Alcee Hastings makes despite the fact that he is a felon and, as of now, you aren’t. Sit on her lap, Mention that you like twerking with TV and Radio personalities. Be sure to give out your home address. The sky above will be filled with drones dropping money. Mention that you would prefer pre-paid Visa cards. You’re a queso grande in DC, The FAA will roll over.

That should be enough to get you back on your feet. It may be enough to give you a positive net worth. You don’t have to thank me.

It’s my pleasure to be able to help you.

Kevin Smith

PS – Here’s hoping that your kids can find a college where there is a teacher who can explain the similarities and the differences between satirical and sardonic. If not send a 

SASE. Also, the only great man not to get back to me was George Soros. Tom Steyer said if you got rid of your cars he was good for a fifty.