February 24, 2016

Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

10100 Pines Blvd 

Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: “The quality of mercy….”

Dear Darling Desperate Debbie/Debbie,

I am no longer a great man but as I said yesterday I count many great men as friends.

Almost to a man – Sorry, no chicks – they said they would help you pay for your children’s college education. Before they hand over envelopes stuffed with Benjamins they have ideas on what you could do on your own.

#1 – Tupperware and Herbalife – Both have national reputations. Both have sold billions of dollars of their products. You travel a lot. Why not have your card, complete with 800 number and Visa/MC information, stapled to a catalog of these fine products? Feature the BOGO offers.

#2 – Avon/MaryKaye – Let’s play to your strengths. You are known for your steel wool/barbed wire hair. It is said that your hair was a model for the razor wire at Camp Gitmo. A lot of ladies have it and don’t want it. I am sure these fine companies make a hair straightening product. How about “Debbie’s Hair Spray – Say goodbye to Medusa”? Why not cut a deal with them a la Geraldine Ferrraro/Zucotti or Felini/Zuchini or whatever the Hell her name is and Diet Pepsi? In a week you’ll have half a head of smooth caressable tresses. The other half will be used to sharpen knives and field test bullet proof vests. Here’s a hint, Always get paid on gross sales. If the maker has a good green eye shade guy there never will be a net. In fact, you could wind up owing them money.

#3 – Rush Limbaugh – Rush regularly raises loads of $ for charities. He has an audience of 20,000,000 listeners. Modern American Liberals know that they are all closed mind robots who await instructions from him. Do you remember the scene in “Forest Gump” where Sally Fields talks to the Judge about her son? Why don’t you call Rush? You both live in South Florida. There are many truck stops where a hook-up can be arranged. After all, the children are our future, right?

#4 – The Koch Brothers – You may not be aware of his but the beloved Brothers Koch, both true Christians, both known for their altruism, both known for their rational self-interest, started a fund to educate children of indigent modern American Liberals, particularly half-assed, nit-witted ones. In other words, you. They’ll send your kids to medical school.

#5 – Hillary and Goldman Sachs – She got $675,000 for 3 hours of talking about Monica Lewinsky, for talking about Vince Foster, for talking about Craig Livingstone, for   being the most publically abused and humiliated woman in American History, and for being married to the King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes. It is obvious that people don’t care about Benghazi or e-mails or Travelgate or selling pardons or being a congenital liar. They want to know who was doing the horizontal tango with whom. I don’t know if you ever spent any time on the wild side – You do remind me of Lillian Hellman though – so make it up. Read “50 Shades of Gray”, hint about the long rides on US One and watching “Shaft” with the President. Make it up…if you have to.

#6 – Oprah – Get on her couch. Cry. Wet your pants. Tell them you only make 77% of what Congressman Alcee Hastings makes despite the fact that he is a felon and, as of now, you aren’t. Sit on her lap, Mention that you like twerking with TV and Radio personalities. Be sure to give out your home address. The sky above will be filled with drones dropping money. Mention that you would prefer pre-paid Visa cards. You’re a queso grande in DC, The FAA will roll over.

That should be enough to get you back on your feet. It may be enough to give you a positive net worth. You don’t have to thank me.

It’s my pleasure to be able to help you.

Kevin Smith

PS – Here’s hoping that your kids can find a college where there is a teacher who can explain the similarities and the differences between satirical and sardonic. If not send a 

SASE. Also, the only great man not to get back to me was George Soros. Tom Steyer said if you got rid of your cars he was good for a fifty.

February 23, 2016

Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

10100 Pines Blvd

Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: Can I help?

My dear almost bag lady

I’ll explain my “bag lady” comment at the end of my letter.

I just heard President B. Hussein Obama say that “if something isn’t working the way it was intended it must be stopped”.

He was talking about Camp Gitmo, America’s most successful adult Caribbean sleepaway camp. He wants to shut it down. He says it is a recruiting tool for terrorists. Alas, his claim, like so many others, does not pass the bag test. [If you don’t know what the bag test is send a SASE] If it makes Muslims want to come here and blow us up what made those wayward youths blow up 3 buildings on September 11, 2001 what with the camp not yet having been built?

He wants to bring them to this country where the Rule of Ricky Ray Rector will not apply but the Willie Horton furlough rule will.

I quickly add that President B.O. is Far and away the best President we have.

Let me further say that President Trump will have an enormous “shovel ready” job as soon as he takes over. It will be no easy task redirecting the Potomac, the Chesepeake, and the Delaware Rivers to clean out the Augean stables the White House has become.

Hercules himself would prefer a room filled with Cretan bulls and a rabid Cerebus to the above task.

May I be so presumptuous as to suggest that the next time you have the President’s ear you tell him that it’s time, indeed past time, to let Sirhan Sirhan go. After all he only killed one man.

But I digress. 

Herewith my partial list for shutting down things not working. Indeed, a case can be made that they never worked and, what’s more, never could work.

#1 – The War on Poverty – It’s America’s longest war. 52 years to be precise. It’s America’s most expensive war. We sometimes run out of both zeros and commas when trying to tabulate the costs. Its casualty lists make Antietam, the Huertgen Forest and Okinawa look like a walk in the park. 

The people it was supposed to help are worse off financially, morally, and culturally than they were before the bugle of good intentions was sounded.

Assuming you can find someone or something to surrender to just do it. No terms. You win. We lost. It’s time to move on with the rest of our lives.

As interim baby steps send Navy Seal Team 6 to the Department of Energy and the Department of Education. Change the locks. In fact, weld the doors shut and mine the entrances. Give everybody a week’s pay for each year served and tell them under penalty of a severe beating that they can never again speak of either Energy or Education. 

Here are the only 2 facts worthy of consideration:

A – The next kilowatt of energy that the featherbed merchants at Energy produce will be their first.

B – Johnny couldn’t read when Education was begun. If you tell me he can now I will hit you with a bag of flaming cat scat.

As to the “bag lady” reference… 

Perhaps your negative net worth was caused by you sending your children to private school. You did not have the luxury of living rent free in public housing like the Obamas do. It makes their $125,000 annual day school tuition for their 2 daughters easier to pay. 

Let me suggest that you consider giving up your 2 gas guzzling, ice berg melting, polar bear killing, sea level rising choke mobiles. Have you looked in getting a Prius? I have some friends in the car business.  I’ll see it I can get you a good deal on a one-owner Yugo.

It may be just a bit out of line but does your husband have a negative net worth also? Do you file a joint return? If Trump and Hillary release their returns will you also? 

One of the things of which I am most proud is that in addition to “creating” more net jobs in the ‘80s than all the companies on the Dow jones Industrial Average I got my children out of college without them incurring a penny of student loan debt.

I would hate to see them, assuming they are in college, come out with a huge student loan debt. And of course, if they have majors like Gender Studies or Feminist Literature or Origami as the path to self-esteem they’ll be living in your garage for decades.

I would like to help them. 

Say the word and I’ll start a slush fund to help you with tuition. I know how tough it can be. I have some 1%ers as friends who will be more than willing to toss something into the pot. It will be our little secret, OK? 

It would a Christian mitzvah. In the holy season of Lent it counts double.

Kevin Smith

PS – It’s time to reminisce. The first time I read about you was when you would drive your car to the airport and give the keys to the nearest BSO deputy and have him park it. Then I remember when driving to the airport you found that one of your windows was stuck open and couldn’t be closed. You called your pal Sheriff Jenne to tell him this. He said if he couldn’t fix it his deputies would watch it. I’ll say this for modern American Liberals. They sure as Hell can tell the buttered side from the dry. I mean what are friends for, right? Isn’t it time for Jenne to make a comeback? He went inside where he paid his dues. Maybe you can help get his voting rights back.

February 21, 2016

Ron Klein, Esq.

Holland & Knight

515 E. Las Olas Blvd

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Judges, the Constitution, the separation of powers, and the Federalist Papers did say it’s OK to play hard ball.

Mr. Klein, 

I am sure you remember when Senator Lyndon Johnson passed a “sense of the Senate” resolution in 1959 saying that there would be no Eisenhower judicial nominations considered until the November, 1960 election.

I remember when Senator Schumer trashed Miguel Estrada in his usual smarmy, meaner than cat shit manner.

Have you forgotten Judge Bork or Judge Ginzberg?

My copy of the Constitution mentions neither a hearing nor a vote on judicial nominations. What does your copy say? You do have one, don’t you?

Tu quoque is Logically offensive but it makes for great Sophistry.

The Republicans had decades of strict instruction on strict construction from Democrats. 

It’s a new semester and the bell just rung. School is in session. Call the roll.

Kevin Smith

PS – You mention Justice Kennedy in your unctuous mini Op-Ed in today’s Sun Sentinel. It approaches a 10b5 violation that you failed to mention Judge Bork, the Supreme Court nominee before him. [You know the slime throwers are out when his name becomes a verb] The law of unintended consequences, the law that modern American Liberals hate but can’t change, tells us that if Judge Bork had become Justice Bork Vice President Alpha Gump would have succeeded Hillary’s husband. The vote inside the Court that made George Bush President was 7 to 2. The vote to accept the case was 5 to 4. Had Bork won a seat the vote would have been 5 to 4 not to accept it. Life’s a bitch sometimes. 

 February 21, 2016

“Mayor” Marty Kiar

Broward County Commission

119 South Andrews Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: The Rule of Law as described by you in today’s mini Op-Ed section in today’s Sun  

“Mayor” Kiar,

I fracked my first well in 1974. I and the environment have survived, none the worse for wear. 

2 things of note in your umbrage-filled, dudgeon-laced hissy fit in today’s mini Op-Ed section of the Sun Sentinel about producing hydrocarbons west of the Panthers ice hockey arena.

I mention hockey to state the obvious. This is south Florida. It is not Fargo, ND nor is it Timmins, Ontario. To freeze water that is hard enough to play hockey on takes a lot of energy. Some of it comes from oil and some of it comes from natural gas. Rest assured that a good percentage of that is the result of fracking. The rest of it comes from coal and nuclear power. None of it comes from Solyndra or from electric wind mills or bovine eructations or high tide low tide reversals. 

If you want to keep the blue line blue and the red lines red someone, somewhere put a hole in the ground and got some stuff up from the not quite “vasty deep”. Honest Injun. You could look it up.

As “mayor” of Broward County and a not quite out of the closet Luddite you have a difficult dance to perform.  As a tree hugging enviro-Nazi you want the jobs that were promised years ago, the “shovel ready” jobs, remember? You want the never arriving Summer of Recovery to come in like a freight train. It is passing strange that the biggest percentage growing sector in the economy has been the energy sector, particularly the fracking end of it. You want the unicorn ranch and the rainbow stew farm to be self-sufficient and powered only by penumbras and emanations from neo-vegans. Pigs will fly first.

As “mayor” of Broward County, a condition that guarantees that you are a card carrying member of the Church of Modern American Liberalism, you are in a bit of a pickle. 

Logic would dictate that if you are intellectually honest you would demand that all the A/Cs in buildings operated by Broward County be turned off and the windows be opened. Further, as a condition of employment all no government worker can use a private automobile getting to and from work. Public transportation, bikes, skateboards, or sensible shoes are the only acceptable form of transit.

The other thing is the Rule of Law.

If you can claim primacy over any state law or regulation who is to say that your judicial ukases are limited to things environmental?

Modern American Liberals, an “eclectically indignant” group whose favorite color is plaid, regard the l aw as a stepping stone to social change. If it helps, it’s good. If it doesn’t it’s bad.

Suppose the “mayor” of a different county wants to have bull fights? Suppose he demands gender specific rest rooms? How about if he wants teachers to suggest that maybe, just maybe, that evolution is the only game in town?

There is a line from “A Man for All Seasons” where Sir Thomas More reproaches his daughter’s religiously zealous suitor for his disregard for the law. “And where would you turn, the laws all being flat, when the devil turned round on you?”

You say that you signed a letter to a Florida legislator asking him not to have hearings on fracking. What if a U.S, Senator cites you as precedent for denying the next Supreme Court nominee a hearing, let alone a vote? 

Sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander.

Kevin Smith

PS – At its best the Broward County Commission is a legislative body. At its worst it is a legislative body. “Mayor” is a honorific beyond pretension and approaching smarminess. Either way you should be flogged.

February 11, 2016

Art, life, and the mirth-filled inversion of both as they try to imitate each other

The sight of George C. Scott as George S. Patton climbing the outside stairs of the minor basilica in Palermo to genuflect in obeisance to the Archbishop and then to kiss his ring as a symbol of his power and of his respect is the picture of a great leader going about his business.

The sight of Bernie Sanders with Al Sharpton in a breakfast tableau in a Harlem restaurant where the menu consisted of bacon, both Canadian and domestic, and ham hocks, decidedly treyf, shows a man, to cite C.S. Lewis, “without a chest” whose  favorite color is plaid.

He too kissed the prelate’s ring. Surely the sign of a politician seeking support, you say. The difference here is that the Reverend Sharpton, “smart and no fool”, kept his ring in his back pocket. Turning the other cheek has a different meaning for a guy who has made a living predicated on forgiving White guys of guilt for something thatg ended 151 years ago.

I know because I have a relative still at Gettysburg ‘wrapped in his “faded coat of blue”.

It is a known fact, such fact being told to me by confidential sources which because they are confidential must remain confidential, that when Bernie was a kid he had no knowledge of Captain Video, Howdy Doody, Hopalong Cassidy, Superman, and even Uncle Miltie. 

His parents, closeted Wobblies, told him of the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. His first hero was Joe Hill. His war story good guys fought in the Abraham Lincoln Brigade against the Fascists. Bukharin was a speed bump on the road to true Socialism. Lysenko was on to something. To Hell with Godot! Would Lefty ever get here? Trotsky deserved it. The gap from August 22, 1939 to June 21, 1941 was never mentioned. George Orwell, Arthur Koestler, and Whittaker Chambers were verboten names in the Sanders house. Nixon was evil, McCarthy was worse, and Hiss was railroaded and how could the country turn against Adlai took the place of Willie, Mickey, and the Duke. 

I struck him from the list of potential donors who are asked to send money to pay for a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week, armed guard with bayonets facing in to prevent Julie and Ethel from getting out of their graves to infect the body politick yet again. The only exception to this will be their random disinterring to see if they are still dead and a return trip to the hot seat if there is any doubt. High protein, gluten free worm food is as good an ending as is imaginable for a secular humanist.

[If you don’t know who Julie and Ethel were I envy you for the revelations that await even a cursory Google hunt will reveal.

Break time

I read where a theory posited by Einstein in 1915 has just been proved. 1915 was not one of Europe’s better years. The British were determined to keep attacking as much as 5 miles of German machine guns by going over the top and then advancing line abreast. They went with empty rifles lest they be tempted to stop and shoot. They were allowed to fix bayonets. To be fair, the Germans tried it going the other way. Each side hoped that the other side would run out of bullets before they ran out of men. Indeed, “the lights were going out all over Europe”.

Meanwhile, back in Berlin, at Humboldt University [alas, not a FBS school] Einstein waved his magic wand and said that there were black holes out there that were running each other. The sounds made by the crash would be detectible once the machines were built to detect them. The machines, having been built, detected them exactly where he said they would be. It took 100 years to prove his theory using machines that even he could not have imagined

We should thank Galileo for looking through his pre-primitive telescope and saying pero si muove. When he did that he unsettled 15 centuries of “settled science”. That’s why the Ptolemy Home School of Astronomy never caught on. My tangential connection to Einstein requires some good single malt whisky to get the full flavor of it.

On the other hand…I listened to Janet Yellen testifying before Congress about something really important. I’m not sure what it was because she gives monotones a bad name. The only way to stay from straightlining when she talks w3ould be to have 2 or 3 ferrets in your Fruit of the Looms. Some evil speculators took an already falling market and made it wet its bed.

I then heard Hillary Clinton laugh. Her laugh will make you beg for nine inch nails from 2 hands drag along the blackboard to the tune of making you want to put an ice pick in each ear as far as they can go. 

I am fan, a big fan, of our Constitution. The 8^th Amendment explicitly prohibits the government from inflicting “cruel and unusual punishment”. Forget Abu Ghraib. Forget Devil’s Island. If you want to find out who killed Kennedy, who burned down the Reichstag, why Handsome Billy from Hot Springs has gotten away with it for all those years, or why falling toast always lands with the buttered side down just chain the usual suspects to the wall and have 2 minute loops of Janet Yellen reading anything followed by Hillary Clinton laughing in a way that causes bats to become lemmings.

Nobody gets past 20 minutes. Beethoven was deaf and he turned out OK, didn’t he?

Thomas Gomez played Curley in “Key Largo”. He gave a civics lesson in how Democracies work. “You have your guy run for Mayor. You count the votes. If he doesn’t win you count them again. And again. And again. Then he wins. That’s Democracy in action.”

If it were a prize fight the ref would have stopped it on cuts in the 2^nd round. Hillary got beat worse than a rented mule. Somehow Hillary came out of New Hampshire with more delegates than Bolshie Bernie. She took Iowa by winning 6 coin tosses in a row. Mayor Daley, Mayor Hague, and Abe Fortas who counted the votes for Landslide Lyndon in Texas in 1948 would have been proud. If Bernie is true to his forebears he will settle the matter in South Carolina. Defenestration has gotten a bad name. It is acceptable; indeed it is preferred because of its finality, its terminal finality, on the road to true Socialism.

Who cares about free school? If you want this post-millennial’s vote “Free Beer” is the way to go. 

KEVIN SMITH

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – President B.O. has his Muslim pals fighting at Bunker Hill. He has them writing the Constitution. He has them ghostwriting for Mark Twain. They then became the power and the money behind Warren Buffett and Bill Gates. The polio vaccines, A/Cs, call waiting, Jeopardy, frozen food, instant water, microwaves, Downton Abbey, fax machines, disco, and the Concorde came about because Allah the Almighty and the Compassionate and Blessed be his name, willed that the infidels should have them. 

Would it not make sense and would it not be a gesture to show that the policies of Kumbaya that made President B.O. so successful would be carried on in an administration headed by HRC? Here’s my plan.

Pardon Sirhan Sirhan.

No one in this country has been imprisoned longer for a similar crime. Perhaps some half way house time in Camp Gitmo might be in order. You could make him the last prisoner released. 

One more thing.

If Gitmo is a recruiting tool for the murder happy WOGs who want to kill us, rape our wives, crucify our sons, and sell our daughters into sexual slavery what inspired the 19 bloody assassins on September 11, 2001? Gitmo wasn’t there. What made them do it? Get back to me, favore.

February 15, 2016

Sanders for President

P.O. Box 2016

Burlington, VT 05402

Hey Bernie!

It is indeed true that sometimes a good thing can come from a bad deed.

 Who would have thought that, despite the heroic efforts of President Obama to prevent its use, the combination of 7 years-worth of slant drilling and the hated practice of “fracking” has driven the price gasoline so far down – something about supply and demand, I think – that I have been able to save a bit of money on using my car. I am sending you a money order for half of what I have saved.

It’s not a lot but if enough of us send what we can you can be elected and Happy Days will be here again. That the people united can never be defeated must be causing  tsouris and agida at the Koch Brothers HQ.

I am sure you get all kinds of advice about how to run your campaign. I’ll leave that to others. I think I can help you in the difficult task of raising revenues.

#1 – Tax the interest paid on municipal bonds – Not 1 direct owner in 650 of municipal bonds is other than Caucasian. Why should Blue collar Black folk, people who have quite enough on their plate to begin with, thank  you, have to subsidize rich White guys as they avoid paying their “fair share”? Taking a cue from the courageous precedent of President Obama you could issue an executive order making this interest taxable.

#2 – Eliminate the Federal Tax deduction for interest paid on mortgages and for local real estate taxes. Again, the History of renters, mostly people of color, subsidizing suburban home owners, mostly White, must be reversed. Of course, increased revenue is the goal but “fairness” is the immediate issue. General Sherman, before he began his March to the Sea, a thing that may have been the last good deed done by a Republican President other Nixon resigning, said that he wanted to “make them howl”. So must you. The “1%ers”, today’s Robber Barons, today’s malefactors of great wealth, those who are disproportionately “lucky in life’s lottery” must feel the lash of righteous payback. After all, it’s only “fair”, right?

Accept my widower’s mite as a down payment to your campaign to save the soul of our society. After all, we’re all in this together, right?

Kevin Smith

February 13, 2016

Robert Owen

Robert Mugabe

Leon Trotsky

The one common denominator of the ohmadahns who bewail and bemoan income inequality is that they are really, really smart. Multiple degrees all but guarantee that they are so smart they become really, really dumb. By really dumb I mean Guinness Book of Records dumb. It would be amusing to people who live in the real world to watch these horses’ asses ramble on about the perfectibility of man.  Alas, they sometimes get to dictate public policy. Now  that one of their own is running for President they are positively tumescent that their heads up their asses, hot is cold, and wet is dry outdated and perpetually unworkable and disastrous ideas may yet have an audience larger than the faculty lounge.

I have 7 sometime readers in Massachusetts. They and their spouses have, collectively, 15 degrees. They are skilled professionals who provide critical services in 5 different professions without regard to race and creed. It is rumored that they have sometimes helped Republicans. Judging by their lifestyles it can be safely assumed that they don’t work for free. Needless to say, which is why it must be said, they got their money the old fashioned way: they earned it. As far as I can tell no Kennedy Lucky Sperm donees are in the lot. The terms “giving back to the community” and “out-reach” protected by the aegis of “social justice” are necessary for any conversation with them. Those terms validate their skewed value system. It is a system built on expectations with no regard for results. If results were a guide there would be no elected officials in Massachusetts, such would be the honest wrath of the people. The thought of Boston being turned into Salem is one to be enjoyed.

Another trait they share is that they believe, really, really believe that raising taxes and the minimum wage is what the economy needs for the non-1% to be farting through silk by summer time 2017. Also, for those seriously unlucky in life’s lottery, they will have a rise in self-esteem, they will be free of the heartbreak of psoriasis, and lambs will be clambering to spend the night with the Lion King. 

Another trait shared by those pilgrims voyaging to the unicorn ranch and the government supported 40 acres of rainbow stew bushes – grown without pesticides, herbicides, germicides, and, so far, homicides -  is that anyone opposing the lofty goals of true believers is not only wrong but evil. It is further proof that the Koch Brothers must be stopped and Damn the Constitution if need be.

Is it time for a Cross of Gold speech? It’s always time for a Cross of Gold speech.

Pol Pot

Fred Kite

Norman Thomas

Almost 60 years after los hermanos Castro, grande lardon and pequeno lardon, took over they still haven’t solved the 3 most basic problems of any collectivist, statist government. #1 – Breakfast  #2 – Lunch  #3 – Dinner. The cry from millennia ago was “Let my people go” has been replaced by “Let my people eat”. The timeless words of the immortal Big Mike from Bayonne have become part of our heritage, of our canon.

“That’s why you never see anybody swimming TO Cuba.”

The in house criticism is muted because to do so would be to admit that the dog will not hunt, the mule will not plow. “IT” – Socialism – does not work, has not worked, will not work.

To so admit would render their lives futile and useless

Assume for the nonce that Socialist President Sanders or Socialist-Lite President Clinton is able to make the ultra-rich pay their fair share. Assume that they do so willingly. Where will the tax man go in the 3^rd year of their administrations, there being no rich people left? How many times will the goose, having been shorn to, through, and beyond the bone, will return voluntarily to the butcher shop? In the end the only way Socialism survives the school of experience is to have an iron hand inside an iron glove using an iron bar in a most brutal manner.

Erich Honecker

Hugo Chavez

Honecker, the last fuhrer of the Democratic Socialist Republic of Germany, said “Neither an ox nor a mule can stop the spread of Socialism”. They couldn’t stop it because they were leading it. Churchill said that “Socialism is the equal sharing of misery”.   

Stalin

Hitler

The 11 names mentioned have one thing in common – Socialism.

While I am open to the idea of free beer History shouts at us that we will die if we sip from this poisoned cup. Do so at your own peril.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

February 10, 2016

I was at the Sistine Chapel. I saw David at the Uffizi. I’ve flown the Concorde. I was in a gun fight in a court room. I saved the life of a police officer who was shot there. He danced at my daughter’s wedding 2 years later. I gave my wife a blue Jaguar wrapped up in a red bow one Mother’s Day. I lost unanimously in the Supreme Court. I have 2 versions of my bio. The short one says that I fought the IRS and lost. The long one says that I fought the IRS and lost…everything. I have 3 titanium joints. I have a scleral buckle around my left eye. I have scar on the back of my head that strangers think was caused by finishing 3^rd in an axe fight. I have a depression at my occipital bone so deep that you can rest a shot glass in it. I have been operated on for breast cancer. I tried to get an energy tax credit for my pacemaker. I revel in the name my Texas Lady granddaughters gave me. Just call me Bumps, partner.

But enough about me. It’s time to get going on my bucket list.

I want to do what the pols did in 1800 and 1828. The thing I can never overcome is that they did it without electricity.

This morning I saw the front pages of a newspaper and an electronic media outlet.

The New York Daily News had a picture of Donald Trump on Page 1 as the Joker from the Batman movie. It was so scary – not for me ‘cuz I’m from Bayonne –that my cat Sharpton dove under the bed at dawn and hasn’t been out since.

The Huffington Post Page 1 said that Trump and his supporters in New Hampshire were “racist, sexist, xenophobic, agoraphobic, claustrophobic, and phobiaphobic”.

Pay back can be a bitch so buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy ride, courtesy of Bumps.

I think it was smart of Hillary Clinton to have had Madeline Albright on the stage with her. Compared to Ms. Albright, Hillary’s ass, though still an axe handle and a half wide, becomes more viewable. Ms. Albright’s mighty keister, if fileted by a pro, could provide cooking oil for half of Haiti for their next Ton-Ton Macoute Zombie raree, compliments of the Clinton Crime Family.

Also, will someone give her the number of VP Curley Biden’s Chia Hair implant dude? Obamacare covers that, no?

A balding, fat-assed harridan issues a Dante-like threat against any chick voting against Hillary? This can only get better.

How about a picture of them doing some serious twerking with twerker and twerkee changing positions often? No hogging those steatyagonous loins, you know what I’m saying? The background music will be “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow”.

How about a picture of them at a pie eating contest?

One good thing that would happen for the school kids should Hillary win is that crème brulee will now replace kale and tofu at lunch.

Also, if you are serious about weight loss forget about Pilates and stair climbers. Just run around them in the bottom of the 9^th inning of their twerking best of 7 series. The music will be “The Children Are Our Future”. A mutual eructation from these Amazons would require 7 League Boots to avoid the undertow. No pain, no gain. 

The Adams, pere et fils, and Andrew Jackson set a very high bar. I hope I haven’t let the side down. 

Bernie’s time in the barrel is upon us. 

Bernie had breakfast with Al Sharpton in Harlem this morning. Before he went to the University of Chicago where, doubtless, the Homeric weight bearing beams of statism and Socialism were hewn and fitted, he was a nice Jewish boy from Brooklyn.

One thing I know that wasn’t discussed was the murder of Yankel Rosenbloom. Rosenbloom was serious Jew both in appearance and garb. He was murdered by a feral Black man, if not by the hand of Al Sharpton, then by a wink, a nod, a Thomas Becket moment, a “silence gives consent” penumbra, maybe even an emanation from Al. 

I’ll bet Sharpton ordered bacon and sausage for his guest this morning. 

Bernie’s first Executive Order will be to replace the “Star Spangled Banner” with “Imagine”.

This is no time for half-assed billingsgate. Whatever names you can call me “pussy” won’t be one of them. 

I am at my Muse’s beck and call. 

I’ll be back

No more Mr. Nice Guy. No prisoners.

The fire next time.

KEVIN SMITH

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLWSOUTH.NET

February 11, 2016

Art, life, and the mirth-filled inversion of both as they try to imitate each other

The sight of George C. Scott as George S. Patton climbing the outside stairs of the minor basilica in Palermo to genuflect in obeisance to the Archbishop and then to kiss his ring as a symbol of his power and of his respect is the picture of a great leader going about his business.

The sight of Bernie Sanders with Al Sharpton in a breakfast tableau in a Harlem restaurant where the menu consisted of bacon, both Canadian and domestic, and ham hocks, decidedly treyf, shows a man, to cite C.S. Lewis, “without a chest” whose  favorite color is plaid.

He too kissed the prelate’s ring. Surely the sign of a politician seeking support, you say. The difference here is that the Reverend Sharpton, “smart and no fool”, kept his ring in his back pocket. Turning the other cheek has a different meaning for a guy who has made a living predicated on forgiving White guys of guilt for something thatg ended 151 years ago.

I know because I have a relative still at Gettysburg ‘wrapped in his “faded coat of blue”.

It is a known fact, such fact being told to me by confidential sources which because they are confidential must remain confidential, that when Bernie was a kid he had no knowledge of Captain Video, Howdy Doody, Hopalong Cassidy, Superman, and even Uncle Miltie. 

His parents, closeted Wobblies, told him of the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. His first hero was Joe Hill. His war story good guys fought in the Abraham Lincoln Brigade against the Fascists. Bukharin was a speed bump on the road to true Socialism. Lysenko was on to something. To Hell with Godot! Would Lefty ever get here? Trotsky deserved it. The gap from August 22, 1939 to June 21, 1941 was never mentioned. George Orwell, Arthur Koestler, and Whittaker Chambers were verboten names in the Sanders house. Nixon was evil, McCarthy was worse, and Hiss was railroaded and how could the country turn against Adlai took the place of Willie, Mickey, and the Duke. 

I struck him from the list of potential donors who are asked to send money to pay for a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week, armed guard with bayonets facing in to prevent Julie and Ethel from getting out of their graves to infect the body politick yet again. The only exception to this will be their random disinterring to see if they are still dead and a return trip to the hot seat if there is any doubt. High protein, gluten free worm food is as good an ending as is imaginable for a secular humanist.

[If you don’t know who Julie and Ethel were I envy you for the revelations that await even a cursory Google hunt will reveal.

Break time

I read where a theory posited by Einstein in 1915 has just been proved. 1915 was not one of Europe’s better years. The British were determined to keep attacking as much as 5 miles of German machine guns by going over the top and then advancing line abreast. They went with empty rifles lest they be tempted to stop and shoot. They were allowed to fix bayonets. To be fair, the Germans tried it going the other way. Each side hoped that the other side would run out of bullets before they ran out of men. Indeed, “the lights were going out all over Europe”.

Meanwhile, back in Berlin, at Humboldt University [alas, not a FBS school] Einstein waved his magic wand and said that there were black holes out there that were running each other. The sounds made by the crash would be detectible once the machines were built to detect them. The machines, having been built, detected them exactly where he said they would be. It took 100 years to prove his theory using machines that even he could not have imagined

We should thank Galileo for looking through his pre-primitive telescope and saying pero si muove. When he did that he unsettled 15 centuries of “settled science”. That’s why the Ptolemy Home School of Astronomy never caught on. My tangential connection to Einstein requires some good single malt whisky to get the full flavor of it.

On the other hand…I listened to Janet Yellen testifying before Congress about something really important. I’m not sure what it was because she gives monotones a bad name. The only way to stay from straightlining when she talks w3ould be to have 2 or 3 ferrets in your Fruit of the Looms. Some evil speculators took an already falling market and made it wet its bed.

I then heard Hillary Clinton laugh. Her laugh will make you beg for nine inch nails from 2 hands drag along the blackboard to the tune of making you want to put an ice pick in each ear as far as they can go. 

I am fan, a big fan, of our Constitution. The 8^th Amendment explicitly prohibits the government from inflicting “cruel and unusual punishment”. Forget Abu Ghraib. Forget Devil’s Island. If you want to find out who killed Kennedy, who burned down the Reichstag, why Handsome Billy from Hot Springs has gotten away with it for all those years, or why falling toast always lands with the buttered side down just chain the usual suspects to the wall and have 2 minute loops of Janet Yellen reading anything followed by Hillary Clinton laughing in a way that causes bats to become lemmings.

Nobody gets past 20 minutes. Beethoven was deaf and he turned out OK, didn’t he?

Thomas Gomez played Curley in “Key Largo”. He gave a civics lesson in how Democracies work. “You have your guy run for Mayor. You count the votes. If he doesn’t win you count them again. And again. And again. Then he wins. That’s Democracy in action.”

If it were a prize fight the ref would have stopped it on cuts in the 2^nd round. Hillary got beat worse than a rented mule. Somehow Hillary came out of New Hampshire with more delegates than Bolshie Bernie. She took Iowa by winning 6 coin tosses in a row. Mayor Daley, Mayor Hague, and Abe Fortas who counted the votes for Landslide Lyndon in Texas in 1948 would have been proud. If Bernie is true to his forebears he will settle the matter in South Carolina. Defenestration has gotten a bad name. It is acceptable; indeed it is preferred because of its finality, its terminal finality, on the road to true Socialism.

Who cares about free school? If you want this post-millennial’s vote “Free Beer” is the way to go. 

KEVIN SMITH

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – President B.O. has his Muslim pals fighting at Bunker Hill. He has them writing the Constitution. He has them ghostwriting for Mark Twain. They then became the power and the money behind Warren Buffett and Bill Gates. The polio vaccines, A/Cs, call waiting, Jeopardy, frozen food, instant water, microwaves, Downton Abbey, fax machines, disco, and the Concorde came about because Allah the Almighty and the Compassionate and Blessed be his name, willed that the infidels should have them. 

Would it not make sense and would it not be a gesture to show that the policies of Kumbaya that made President B.O. so successful would be carried on in an administration headed by HRC? Here’s my plan.

Pardon Sirhan Sirhan.

No one in this country has been imprisoned longer for a similar crime. Perhaps some half way house time in Camp Gitmo might be in order. You could make him the last prisoner released. 

One more thing.

If Gitmo is a recruiting tool for the murder happy WOGs who want to kill us, rape our wives, crucify or sons, and sell our daughters into sexual slavery what inspired the 19 bloody assassins on September 11, 2001? Gitmo wasn’t there. What made them do it? Get back to me, favore.

February 9, 2016

Ayanna Pressley

Clinton for President HQ

1 Pierrepont Plaza

Brooklyn, NY 11201-2790

Ms. Pressely,

I heard you speaking yesterday about Hillary Clinton and the death penalty.

Like all modern American Liberal aider and abettors you have a unique gift. It allows you to never let a fact, particularly those painfully inconvenient ones that are true, to interfere with your argument.

You said, I think, that she was opposed to it except in rare cases of incest and rape she was in favor of it. Further, the race of the alleged perpetrator – Why don’t we say “alleged victim”? – is what determines who gets to be a “Dead Man Walking” in the USA. It’s sort of a reverse Affirmative Action on steroids. African-Americans, people of color, make up the majority of potential executees. The only entity with a higher percentage of non-Caucasians is the NBA.

I don’t think you were old enough to have fully appreciated the marvelous irony, the morally reprehensible inversion of beliefs involved in the execution of Ricky Ray Rector.

R3 was an African-American. By all accounts he was a terrible person. There was a feral corona about him that was beyond savage. His first murder was expected. His family was surprised that it took him so long to commit it. His family convinced him to turn himself in. He said he would do it but only to a policeman that he knew. His condition was met but that didn’t prevent him from killing that officer. He then tried to kill himself but succeeded only in giving himself a lobotomy a la Rosemary Kennedy.

Here’s when the fun part begins. 

Bill Clinton was the Governor of Arkansas where all the aforementioned happened. He also taught at the University of Arkansas School of Law. In addition he was a Rhodes Scholar.

 Hillary, his long suffering wife and the poster chick for abused and publically humiliated women of the ‘70s, ‘80s, and ‘90s, was regularly included on the list of the country’s 100 best lawyers. That she was able to do that without having been able to pass the DC Bar exam and getting fired from her job as Associate Counsel on the House Nixon impeachment committee – She got caught lying – is a testament to her grit.

I mention this because one of the courses that used to be taught in law school covered the Constitution. 

Let’s treat this as a teachable moment.

James Madison wrote the big part, the one said what government could do. George Mason wrote the little part, hereinafter referred to as the Bill of Rights. It spelled out what the government could not do.

The Sixth Amendment states the accused must “be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation”.  While it would be possible to inform the elevator in the court house of the nature and cause of its mobility it would be for naught what with the elevator being incapable of hearing and/or understanding. 

Regardless of the reason why, R3 was incapable of understanding the charges against him. Since he couldn’t understand the charges it must follow that he would have been unable to assist in his defense. 

Is it possible that the Clintons missed that while in law school? 

Here’s another toughie.

The previous Amendment, the Fifth, says that no one will be “deprived of life, liberty. Or property, without due process of law”. Assuming that there was an attempt of that in the strange case of R3 he would not have been aware of it because he was incapable of independent thought. He could not know what was being said about or to him.

Jared Loughner shot and killed a Federal judge and severely wounded a sitting member of Congress. The Federal Government chose not to try him because he was in the twilight world of madness. It can be assumed that some of the prosecutors had read the Constitution.  

The Clintons, Mr. & Mrs. DeFarge, had to prove that despite being card carrying modern American Liberals they were tough on crime. If the example turned out to be Black so much the better. If the particular Black man turned out to have the IQ of an eggplant or a bowl of chest nuts and was executed as a means to an end it was just the cost of doing business. Maybe R# getting the chop was how we got the Clinton era. 

Cheap at twice the price, no?

It is said that Hillary was close by to the place of execution so she could have given him a lap dance if he protested. Although that would have been “cruel and unusual punishment” she didn’t have to as R3 went peacefully into that good night. The reason why is simple: He was not even a half-wit. At most he was a quarter-wit. 

Do you suppose he was a registered Democrat?

Speaking of Black capital punishment…

Since Roe v Wade was given an imprimatur by the Supreme Court perhaps as many as 22,000,000 Black babies have been aborted. Who knows who could have gone down the abattoir’s drain? Maybe another MLK, Jr. Maybe another Barack Obama. Maybe another Ayanna Presely. 

Why no outrage there?

Kevin Smith

PS –Speaking of Black History Month and capital punishment….Do you think it’s time for Willie Horton to get another furlough?

February 7, 2016

Michael Dennis, MD - Chairman

Schmidt College of Medicine

777 Glades Road

Boca Raton, FL 33431

RE: Zika  and how it threatens us as told by you in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel mini Op-Ed section

Dr. Dennis,

You tell us that the Zika virus can be spread through sexual contact. Further, the virus was first identified almost 70 years ago. The threat, particularly to pregnant women, cannot be overestimated. Maybe modern man should give some thought to zombies being real.

I don’t know about any potential cures being worked on but I do know an absolute fool proof, no chance of failure, way to prevent it. 

It is a self-evident fact that if you stop it from growing you can find a cure at your leisure.

Permit me an aside.

In 1963 I was a lay missionary in rural Mexico. Inter alia, I did construction work on an infirmary in Huejutla, taught English, coached volleyball and learned to love la cerveza Mexicana. I learned how to teach a hard lesson in market economics. I spent July 4^th in the bar where the fight scene from “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre” was filmed. A good summer for a 19 year old.

I also saw an infant die hard and horribly from malaria and it changed my life.

Its stomach was so distended that its sex to some time to discover. She was about 6 months old and her last recorded temperature was 106 degrees. Since that time I always try to keep a bottle of Schweppes tonic in my house as a tribute to the lasting power of old wives’ tales. 

I also know if DDT had been used that child would not have died.

I know that as many as 2,000,000 sub-Saharan children, with none of them being Caucasian, die each year because of rich White people – the original 1%ers? – wanted the warm and fuzzy feeling that comes from being on the moral high ground and neither knowing nor caring about the iron rule of unintended consequences.

The desire to save, maybe, the peregrine falcon overcame the revulsion of watching all those Black and Brown babies die. Do you think if Sharpton finds out we will have a Summer, not of Recovery, but rather of Rage? 

Not only did we ban the manufacture of DDT in this country we banned the export licenses necessary for it to be manufactured overseas. Such was our narcissistic environmental hubris that it permitted us to overcome a racially based genocide that stretched the envelope of perniciousness beyond recognition.

Put more succinctly, White people don’t care if Black people die from bug bites that need not have happened.  The flit that can stop the soon to be Zika plague has been locked up in a drawer in this country for 45 years. 

I am but one voice whose audience is limited. You have the academic credentials, the position, and more importantly, the audience to end this assault by pseudo-science on the fortress of reason. 

It’s a tough road to go down, what with the constant irrational conflation of causation and causation and the half-assed, half-baked claptrap that comes from the fans of nonsense such as Climate Change, drowning polar bears, and rising oceans.

Alas, we have allowed this generation’s understanding of the scientific method with its necessary inherent skepticism to be ruled by “Trousered Apes” who believe that consensus is what makes science. In an apparent refutation of the great Dr. Johnson, “Such stupidity is to be found in nature.”  

I suggest you clothe yourself in the armor given to you by Hippocrates and go forward to earn the trust society has given you.

“First, do no harm”

Kevin Smith

February 4, 2016

Congresschick Debbie, Debbie,

RE: What’s that smell?

Dear Debbie, Debbie,

“Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” anyone? If you don’t know what that is send a SASE.

I read this morning that you are one of the poorest members of Congress.

Maybe Hillary could set you up with a few speeches at Goldman Sacks. Maybe a yard sale. A 50-50? Maybe you could charge people to see if your hair can break a balloon?

Two homes, one of which is in a gated development which is itself in a gated community that has a gated fire and rescue squad plus a gated manatee rescue shelter and mammal rehab clinic. There are plans for a gated pool with a gate in the pool that keeps the groping, soon to arrive Syrian refugees – They are coming to your town, aren’t they? It’s only fair, right? – from serious cross cultural non gender specific groping. Keeping a house in a “grope free” zone can be expensive.

That’s why I admire your decision to bypass the really fine Broward County public school and send your kids to private school. $20,000 a year per kid times 3 eats into the lock box knepell right quick.

Two gas guzzling, polar bear drowning, rain forest destroying, ginormous carbon footprinting SUVs, vehicles whose gas MPG is slightly better than a B1 bomber can cause a shudder at the pump. As an aside and giving credit however grudgingly to the Obama energy policy is in order. His decision to encourage fracking and slant drilling 7 years ago is paying off at the pump. Gas is so cheap that I encourage my chums to drive around the station before they fill their tanks. The more you put in your tank the more you save, right? That’s the kind of Logic that has given us a never ending Summer of Recovery.

This leads us to the morphing paradigmatic template of Shakespeare and Durante.

You are asking, and rightfully so, how this can be.

#1 – “Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan of times both loses itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.”

#2 – “Elephant? What elephant?

I hope I don’t have to tell you who said what. No female perspective nonsense nit-wit flap doodle there.

Polonius’s advice to Laertes and Ophelia is in disfavor with today’s oh so gender sensitive occupants of the Graves of Academe – English literature section. 

Durante, having been caught stealing an elephant, is asked what he is doing with the elephant.

 “Elephant? What elephant?” is his response.

Which brings us to your parlous finances.

Do you file a joint return? Has the return been made public? If not, why not? Has your husband’s return been made public? If not, why not? In addition to the tax returns don’t you think that members of Congress should have to file certified financial statements? 

Your husband works for an entity that – vulture like – preys on weak banks. I’m not sure what he does for them but, like the Kardashians, he does a lot of it and, apparently, very well.

Banks and government constitute the warp and woof of crony capitalism.

 What percentage of your husband’s business, a business in which you have a beneficial interest, is predicated on governmental winks and nods? Modern American Liberals have the innate ability to tell the buttered side from the dry. I guess I must remind you that Machiavelli announced sotto voce “The wish of the Prince has the force of law”.

I remember when Congressman Barney Frank [D-CA] helped Congresswoman Maxine Waters [D-CA] dodge a sticky finger, non-gun bank heist charge by doing a midnight transfer bedimmed by a world class obfuscatory persiflage outburst.

Do you have to take hourly showers? 

Remember, “The sins we do two by two we pay for one by one”.

If you need some cash let me know.

Kevin Smith

PS – Maybe Hillary can put you in front of some 1%ers who are always looking to get a “marker” on a public official. Speaking of Hillary when she said was taking fees of hundreds of thousands of dollars form Wall Street fat cats she everybody did it. When she said that she hadn’t made up her mind about running my pants went on fire right through the TV set. About the time she discovered what to do with a tampon she decided to run for President. She is a true bruja who couldn’t lie straight in bed. 

February 4, 2016

Mitch Caesar, Esq.

Broward County Democratic party

1832 N. University Drive

Plantation, FL 33322

Ave Mitch!

I turn to you with the tough questions, questions that may produce tough answers.

Bernie Sanders is a Socialist. To his credit he has always proclaimed himself to be so. The problem is that he has some interesting political forebears.

Benito Mussolini was a Socialist. 

He was a favorite of the 1930s version of modern American Liberalism. The Progressive New Dealers looooved him if for no other reason that he got the trains to run on time. Men like Tugwell and Hiss thought he was spot on for the times.

So he invaded Ethiopia and Libya. Don’t hold that against him. Remember that he tried to introduce single payer, universal health care to the ungrateful paisanos. Besides, Libya and Ethiopia were a “faraway people of whom both the Patricians and the Plebeians knew little”.

The other big time Socialist was Adolph Hitler.

He was almost a vegan. He loved animals. He adored children. He never permitted smoking in his presence. His views on women’s reproductive rights were such that if Dr. Mengele, the point of his spear in such matters, were to run for any office in a Broward County Democratic primary he would get a vote that would make Hudson County and Cook County proud.

Before they came to be known as the Nazis they were known as the National Socialist Party. Honest Injun. You could look it up.

His favorite Americans were Avery Brundage and Margaret Sanger. [Later he really liked Joe Kennedy] He liked Sanger so much that he used her writings as the basis of his 1934 Nuremberg Race Laws. Sanger was the darling of eugenicists, herd cullers, and disposing of “undesirables” through abortion. Planned Parenthood doesn’t feature all of her past but she was right when she said that “3 generations were enough”. Hitler took this to its Logical conclusion when he discovered that the back door of an abortion abattoir leads to the express lane to Auschwitz. 

Anyway, here’s the problem.

  If Bernie is Benito is Hillary Adolph?

She said that winning the Margaret Sanger award from Planned Parenthood as uterus cleanser of the year was her proudest moment.  

Speaking of Hillary, she is about 2 quarts of Ben & Jerry’s Tofu crème brulee mit schlag away from having her ass becoming part of the dreaded Navy Seal team obstacle course. If you want to lose weight on your own time just run around her. Doing that could make Aunt Jemima look like Halle Berry in less than a month.

Please note that if God still has His legendary sense of mirth she will be leading a beginners Pilates class from a minimum Federal security prison. She’ll look good in a 4XXXX exercise jump suit.

I think it would be good TV if you could arrange to have the long delayed Summer of Recovery arrive just as the Democratic Convention, having sung “Kumbaya” to death and “Imagine” to the point of projectile vomiting, tells us that the children are our future.

Non-threatening fireworks, after a tribute to Lillian Hellman, would be in order. 

Vale Caesar!

Kevin Smith

February 4, 2016

Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

10100 Pines Blvd

Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: Separate, Si! - Equal, No!

Congressperson W-S

You gave a speech – hectoring would be a better word – about how complaisant today’s Cosmo girls have become. A full generation into gender studies, a feminine perspective of geometry, and why Ken gives male chauvinism a bad name and the sisterhood is not, forgive me, manning the barricades on the road to equality. You say that since they have grown up with the benefits of Roe v Wade they have lost the edge that their forebears bought to the arena. It was, by modern American Liberal standards, a good speech. In a world where “Midnight Basketball”, “Leading from Behind”, and “You can’t have a victim without a villain” are coin of the realm all things are possible.

Is it possible that a President of the United States, and let me qualify the noun President by appending Black to it, can speak in a mosque where students are separated by sex and not “appreciate” the irony?

One of the hallmarks, indeed one of the essential building blocks, the capstone if you will, of modern American Liberalism is “eclectic indignation”.

It enables you to say with a straight face that Hillary Clinton “won” Iowa by “winning” 6 straight coin tosses. It means that you can say with a straight face that you only earn 79% of what Congressman Alcee Hastings earns. It enables you to say with a straight face that Hillary Clinton is shattering the “glass ceiling” despite having a resume of advancing career wise every time her husband advanced politically. [Would it be fair to say that Walmart became “bad” after she left the Board? Would it be fair to say that she got the job because her husband was Governor of Arkansas, a state where Walmart was domiciled?]

I never thought that I could rise to the defense of her husband, Handsome Billy from Hot Springs, but faced with the prospect of waking up next to that shrieking hag I too would step out to the wild side.

Which brings us back to the mosque.

Quien sabe but maybe Allah is Akbar.

I hope, I really really hope, that no involuntary cliteroidectomies [Can they ever be voluntary?] that no crucifixions, that no beheadings, that no stoning of women taken in adultery, has occurred? I can, can’t I?

It is a place where virginity is prized as a gift for martyrs.

I do not know how representative this nest of vipers is.

I do know that “qui tacet consenstit” still applies.

I do know that by his silence the President of the United States, the Black President of the United States, approves of these aforementioned barbaric practices. I guess speaking truth to power only applies to banks and fast food companies.

Would Hillary Rodham Clinton be made welcome in this mosque?

Would Michele Obama be made welcome in this mosque?

Why didn’t the President’s 2 daughters accompany him?

Each goes to a school where the tuition is $5,000 a month for each of them. Every month. [One of the benefits of living rent free in public housing is that you can bypass the really great public school system in Washington. Do you think Bernie will change that when he gets to the White House?]

What a “show and tell” they could have had!

A Versace burqa, Nike Lady Jordan sneakers and both sneaking in a chunk of bacon. What’s the sense of being a teenager if you can’t act like one?

I guess we need to repeal Plessy v Ferguson again. I guess Brown v Board of Education didn’t quite do the job. Maybe the Clinton Crime Family Foundation can raise some money from the Sheik of Araby to support eh Equal Rights Amendment. Maybe I’ll get a pulled pork sandwich in Mecca. Maybe La Cage au Folles will open in Riyadh. Maybe the mosque where the President spoke will have same sex marriages. Maybe pigs will fly.

Yet more proof that Yeats was right.

America, “a shining city on the hill”, except for girls.

Kevin Smith

PS – What should I tell Caitlin, Caroline, and Julia, my granddaughters?

January 31, 2016

Mitchell Berger, Esq

Berger, Singerman

 350 E. Las Olas Blvd. 

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Time for a new edition of Profiles in Courage?

Mr. Berger,

Page 1 of today’s Sun Sentinel tells us of a proposal by 1%ers for 1%ers to build a 39 story tall fossil fuel consuming and belching ecologically destructive beach front catastrophe meant for those who are either “Lucky in life’s lottery” or President of the local chapter of the Lucky Sperm Club.

On several fronts, not the least of which is concern for the old, the tired, the poor, would not the core beliefs of modern American Liberalism demand that attention be paid to inner city residents in the form of Section 8 set asides, and of senior citizen, low income housing set asides? How about a homeless shelter for moribund AIDS victims?

Should not some provision be made for Gay and Lesbian Syrian refugees?

Pray tell me but has any consideration been given to displaced manatees?

With the possible exception of the confluence of the Age of Carter and the Age of Disco and Leisure Suits has there been a bigger affront to Gaia than this proposed pox on both our souls and our precious sea shore

Upon further review the above should be of no concern to you.

The moral high ground from whence you dispatch your morally superior thunderbolts about the perils of electricity, of pasteurization, of vaccines, of antibiotics, of temperature modification, of plastic, of things inorganic, indeed of the perils of Western Civilization as we know it gives you the big picture.

Logic would dictate that you, in addition to being an attorney, are a devoted acolyte of Ned Lud and Thomas Malthus. I won’t ask if you were a fan of Professor Ehrlich and “The Population Bomb” because we are 16 years past the expiration date of humanity. Surely you remember that he said in 1969 that we would either starve to death or freeze by the year 2000. You do remember, don’t you?

As an anointed one, one who knows that we are but a few short years from Broward County becoming an underwater national park, you have no choice but to do the following:

#1 – Refuse to represent any parties be they buyer, seller, or lender in this proposed rape of our sea shore. 

#2 – You must scorch the earth with a paper blizzard of motion surpassing Jarndyce v Jarndyce in a last ditch effort to stop this abomination. If you can’t stop it you must use your firm’s time to tell us of the impending doom and disaster awaiting us should this go forward.

#3 – For openers, as a way to get our attention, as a way to force us to think about what we are doing to our planet, because, after all, the children are our future you must turn off your all your A/Cs. Show us the way and we surely follow. Well, some of us might. Maybe. Hey! You never know. 

On a different note can you tell me what type of Socialism will Bernie, the Boslhie Booster practice when he takes over? Will it be the doctrinaire, by the book, hugely successful Bulgarian method or the more consumer oriented, user friendly Venezuelan prototype? Also, will the Zimbabwe paradigm, one known world-wide for it pragmatism, be used? It’s important. I have some Viva Chavez shirts that I can convert to Viva Mugabe cheaply.

Get back to me, please.

Kevin Smith

PS – That squishy sound you heard, the one preceded by a sonic boom worthy of the Concorde was me falling off my chair and wetting my pants after laughing my ass off after the unintended consequences of crony capitalism come to Broward County, AKA Ground Zero for modern American Liberalism. While you were trying to save the furbish lousewort, the Uruguayan transgendered unicorn, and the notoriously shy Bikini bivalves the Kalashnikov cabal, the maker of the notorious AK-47 snuck into the Broward County Commission and grabbed $147,000 and some “Don’t Pay Real Estate Taxes’ hall passes on the promise of “creating” jobs. It’s bad enough that it’s an assault weapon but it is also Russian. If we have to subsidize weapons of mass destruction what’s wrong with doing it for an American company? The AR-15, the Ruger Bushmaster, a Dirty Harry .45 caliber pistol, a gun that will blow your head clean off your shoulders would have been good for America, right?

January 31, 2016

Boss Mitch Caesar, Esq.

Broward Democratic Party

1832 N. University Drive

Plantation, FL 33322

RE: 3 things

AVE MITCH!

#1 – President B.O. said that  he was told that there was no security breach in re the Clinton e-mails, both scrubbed and unscrubed.

#2 – Josh Earnest, the toadish shill for the White House and the recipient of many well-earned beatings in his high school cafeteria, announced that the FBI had no problem with Clinton’s e-mails.

 #3 - President B. O. will speak at a mosque that says it is OK to murder by suicide bombing. The Grand Mufti has not yet ruled whether or not a gay Muslim gets to pick the sex of his 6 dozen virgins. The head WOG Also says that Jews are descended from pigs and monkeys and should be killed on sight.

The first two are easy.

Who told the President and his smarmy “flack catcher” that the fix was in with regards to an ongoing FBI investigation?

I still bear the scars of investigations by 2 different U. S. Attorneys.

 Where does it say in the First Amendment that it’s Kosher to leak info from an ongoing FBI investigation or Grand Jury proceeding? [The obvious exception was Nixon and Watergate because, jeepers creepers, it was Nixon and somebody had to avenge Alger Hiss, right?]

Senator Howard Baker [R-Tenn] had a famous mantra when he was on the Senate Watergate committee. “What did the President know and when did he know it”?

[2 things of note: Senator Sam Ervin [D-NC], a genuine hero of modern American Liberals, spent his entire adult life trying to keep little Black boys from going to school with little White girls. Honest Injun. You could look it up. Also, Hillary Clinton did not work for the Senate committee. She worked for the House committee where she was, Honest Injun, you could look it up, fired for lying. That’s why White Watergate and Travelgate were so easy. Craig Livingstone? Lani Guinier? Web Hubbel? Ah, the good old days!]

It’s really simple. 

Either the President lied about the investigatioin and made his statements for political gain or he broke at least 3 Federal laws and trampled 4 canons of Judicial Ethics?  Take your time, either way, “Nothing lost save honor”

#3 is a bit more sticky.

Do you remember when President Reagan, AKA the Great Regan, said a silent prayer at a military cemetery at Bitburg at a graver filled with dead German soldiers? That some were Nazis there can be no doubt. That they were going to be dead for a long time there can be no doubt either. Doubtless, many of them did things quite beyond the pale of modern warfare. Alas, when we “cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war” strange things happen. 

The tales of the Iliad, of Henry the Fifth at Harfleur, of the Marines at day 3 of Tarawa, are conveniently misremembered. 

General Curtis LeMay, the American equivalent of “Bomber” Harris, said in June , 1945 that the US ah dot win the war. If we didn’t eh would be tried as a war criminal. 

Page 38 of “The Battle of Leyte Gulf” tells of Admiral Halsey, another true son of New Jersey, calling the Japanese ‘little yellow monkey fucking rat bastards”. He would say that right after he said that “the only good Jap was a dead Jap”. If Halsey’s comments offend you the only way to express your outrage is to boycott Exit 13 on the New Jersey because it was named after him. Vince Lombardi got a truck stop named after him.

Anyway, the “eclectically indignant” moral outrage of “mAL POO” – “modern American Liberal Perpetually Outraged and Offended” -  reacted as if he sneezed vipers and shed black widows. 

Will the same tsunami-like torrent of opprobrium and billingsgate be tossed at President B. O.?

Just kidding, just kidding.

His missing “7 or 8 states”, one of which will have the Holy Grail of lexicography , the heretofore missing “Austrian-English Dictionary plus Rhyming Guide”, a signed first edition to boot, will be found before anyone criticizes him.

VALE MITCH!

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – I am starting to feel the Bern. Are you?