Bambi & Curly

September 6, 2008

It required knowledge of the Trivium, specifically, Logic. Then, with a combination of skill and cunning that enabled me to overcome no small dollop of danger, access to Alpha Gump’s Internet, and with a profoundly intertwined American exceptionalism in my DNA I filled in the blanks and connected the dots. Although I am engulfed in the divers hues and auras of penumbras and emanations of schadenfreude, not to mention what may be a terminal case of enuresis caused by my due diligence, I must announce the coming departure of Curly Biden from the ticket headed by Senator B. Hussein Obama. I call him Curly, not because of his silly ass hair, but because I always thought he was the smartest of the Stooges. It is akin to being the world’s tallest midget.

Follow this ballista as it goes dead center perfect into the 10 ring.

Congressman Robert Wexler [D-Florida and maybe Maryland] is a person about whom it is impossible to say enough bad things. He has caught the ultimate brass ring. I awarded him the glorious title of SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR several years ago. He has more than lived up to it. His “official” residence is a senior citizen managed care facility called Del Boca Vista Grande in Palm Beach County. Presumably, his non-public grammar school attending children live in the trunk of his car. He is a man who, if he were to burst into flames, I would not pee on him to put it out. If you doubt my sincerity strike a match. In his spare time – he is the quintessential SOCCER DAD – he is the Chairman of the B. Hussein Obama + Curly Biden committee in Florida.

As soon as Governor Palin was named to the ticket – a moment’s digression must be taken to say that she never cheated in college and that she never plagiarized any speeches from any failed politician like Curly Biden – Congressman Wexler, and let me say for the record that he is meaner than cat shit, said in an ex cathedra manner that Governor Palin was a Nazi.

He said that Governor Palin “liked” Pat Buchanan. He said that Pat Buchanan was a Nazi. Ergo, Governor Palin was a Nazi.

I was going to give him a stern lecture featuring “Who steals my purse steals trash…”, high minded literary stuff like that, but I knew it would be pearls before swine for him. I thought of B. Hussein Obama and decided against telling him because he is still working on the water walking shtick that he promised for Halloween. I thought of taking an ad in the Chicago Tribune but since he community organized the Hell out of it the place is running like Switzerland. As an aside, whatever happened to the Daleys? I know he saved them from being drawn and quartered like Pastor Wrong Wright and Bill Ayers, AKA “Mad Bomber” Bill, wanted. Both were Homerically tumescent in anticipation thereof. Where are they? Did he send them to live with his brother in Kenya? Maybe we should put their pictures on milk cartons. Maybe we should post an award. How about “America’s Most Wanted”? I thought about Curly Biden but, experienced as he is, he still hasn’t quite mastered what to do with his thumbs. Why embarrass him more than he already has himself.

But then I thought that if Governor Palin is, by the strict standards of Weasel Wexler, a Nazi what would a look at the record tell us about Biden, AKA Boob du jour?

The facts would support the following interpretation of his voting record. For the following he is said to be experienced? A few more years of similar experiences and we’ll all be undone.

#1 – In 1975 he voted in favor of Hanoi occupying Saigon.
#2 – In 1983 he voted in favor of Moscow occupying Nicaragua.
#3 – In 1991 he voted in favor of Saddam Hussein
#4 – In 2006 he voted against winning the war in Iraq.

About #4…Although the Senate did not vote on it in 1864 it would be no great leap to infer that, had there been a vote, he would have voted against Sherman’s Surge. [Lord knows that the Democratic Party and the New York Times detested Lincoln. They wanted the Union to stop fighting the South. Lincoln was called a “baboon” so it’s easy to see where Wexler the Worm got his marching orders.] Since Curly Biden is a Democrat and since he just announced that Delaware was a Southern state and that he doesn’t much like “dot heads” the segue to him being opposed to the surge and in favor of slavery was right in front of my eyes, like a turd in the punch bowl. It’s easy to picture him rubbing the lawn jockey’s head for good luck when he led the hunt for the runaways. In his instance the lawn jockey was real. Can you imagine his 86 tooth grin in anticipation of giving Jemima a real grown up present for her 11th birthday? I can. More importantly, he can.

As soon as the Obama people find out that Curly Biden regularly won the slave whipping contest at the Delaware State Fair – Is it true that “Dixie” is his ring tone? – his White ass is History.

How about President Handsome Billy from Hot Springs as a fill in? Would there be a better way to turn Hillary the Hecate into Lizzy Borden? Just tell her that he ordered a gross of blue dresses for his staff plus a Viagra IV. Two stones with one bird.

Logic. Ain’t it grand?