We're short a nail. Cross your feet.

September 16, 2008

Senator B. Hussein Obama
P.O. Box 8102
Chicago, Illinois 60680

RE: Have you ever heard of Jonathan Swift?

Precious Bambi,

It’s tough enough what with you trying to memorize the 57 or 58 states – How many ways can you spell potato? – while trying to find the seldom seen “Nitally Lion” in the embittered, gun clinging wilds of Pennsylvania. By now you realize that the perfect Joe Biden action doll will have but one foot. The missing one will be so far down his throat that it could give nuggies to his sternum.

It gets worse. I tell you, as a true friend and trusted adviser, that you have some absolutely moronic “moonbats” running around the country singing your song,

It’s almost as if Lee Atwater is leading a Halleluiah Chorus. How else can you explain why a whole bunch of mush brained celebrity farts begin to chant

Jesus was a Community Organizer.
Pontius Pilate was a Governor.

Does that mean that should Governor Palin become Vice President she would crucify you?

Perhaps a deeper knowledge of 20th Century American History could have prevented this gaffe. Your daughters go to a very expensive private grammar school. Maybe the school has a library you could visit. Maybe it has some books on the subject.

T. Woodrow Wilson – and his name cannot be mentioned without recalling that Thurgood Marshall always said he was the most racist President ever, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Jimmy E. Carter, and William Jefferson Blythe Clinton were Governors before they became President.

President Wilson, after having a private viewing of “The Birth of a Nation” in the White House, said, “The film is History”. I can find no record of him favoring crucifixion. Floggings and lynchings, yes. Crucifixion, no.

The same for Roosevelt, Carter, and Clinton.

Wait a minute. I don’t mean they were in favor if floggings and lynchings. I mean that because they were governors it doesn’t mean that they were in favor of crucifixions. It’s confusing, I know.
How about this?

Republican Governors are in favor of crucifixions. Only one Democratic Governor was in favor of floggings, lynchings, and crucifixions, OK?

One more thing.

My extensive foreign sources, all of whom are confidential and will remain anonymous, have confirmed that you have more siblings than John McCain has houses. You should update your Kwanzaa list.