Carl Hiaasen, The Miami Herald

September 7, 2008

Carl Hiaasen
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: “Another vote fiasco…in guess where” – A longer view take on your “I’m soooo mad I could just spit” about why “they” just can’t get those votes right in Palm Beach County.

Mr. Hiaasen,

At last! A plausible explanation for the elections of Palm Beach Commissioner Addie Greene, a woman who could and does frequently get lost on a ladder and a woman who is permanently barred from having any involvement with 2 car funerals, and Congressman Robert Wexler, aka The Weasel and/or The Worm, about whom it is impossible to say enough bad things.

That’s how these two mendacious scourges got elected.

But I digress.

“For almost eight guilt-ridden years, we have suffered with the
knowledge that our bungled election altered the course of history.

The war in Iraq, misguided and then mishandled, has cost this country
nearly a trillion dollars and the lives of more than 4,300 soldiers. And
while it is impossible to know what an Al Gore presidency would have
wrought, it’s unlikely he would have responded to the 9/11 attacks by
invading a nation that had no connection to those terrorists.”
The Miami Herald
Page 5L
Today
You

My father, the legendary Judge Smith, used to read to me. One of our favorite stories was The Virginian by Owen Wister. “When you call me that, smile” was a treasured line.

He also told me about opening ballot boxes in Bayonne, a city on the better end of Hudson County and, thus, a legitimate contender for the title “Pearl of the Hudson, and finding no votes for the Republican candidates. The hurried trips to City Hall, the sage advice from the elders, and the same answer…“Give the Republicans 8 votes. No, don’t take them from the Democrats”.



My mother’s brother, my Uncle Danny, died in May, 1956. His loyalty to the Democratic Party and Row A, a designation that “they” had from 1916 to the early ‘80s, was such that it raised “Death Be Not Proud” to a new level. He voted from the grave in North Arlington for 15 years. Can you believe he was stopped in 1971 by a Federal Judge? Full disclosure demands that I reveal that said Judge was a Nixon appointee.

One of the great, perhaps apocryphal, I hope not, stories about Mayor Richard Daley of Chicago – Maybe you, as a big time media mogul can find out what happened to his family. Since Senator B. Hussein Obama “community organized” the Hell out of the Windy City there has been no trace of them. Do you think foul play may have befallen them? – is that, as a practicing Roman Catholic [Gosh but I wonder what his stance on abortion would have been. I think it would have been different from Curley Biden and SanFranNan Pelosi] he sought absolution for his sins. Although he regarded keeping his vote tallies back until the Republican boobs in Southern Illinois revealed theirs and he could make the Cook County “adjustments” necessary to win as a malum prohibitum the gravity of it weighed heavily on his soul. He knew that if he hadn’t fixed the election in 1960 for Kennedy, Johnson AKA “Landslide Lyndon”, would never have been Vice President. If he hadn’t become Vice President would Vietnam have played out the way it did? Incidentally, the sobriquet “Landslide Lyndon” needs the Italianate hand of a novelist. Abe Fortas, The Duke of Duval County, bovine suffrage…Jeezus Haitch Keerist but who wouldathunk that a bit of Democratic perfidy in 1948 would have given us John McCain and Sarah Palin in 2008?

But back to the shoulda/woulda consequences of the near hit/near miss of the FUBARing of Alpha Gump and Palm Beach County in 2000.

Thank God for euphemisms.

“Condo Commandos” is a term used in polite public conversation. Everybody knows what it means. Everybody knew what “New York lawyer” meant in 1993 when Bernie Nussbaum, Esq. cleaned out Vince Foster’s files after he ate his gun. [Incidentally, the quick tale of the newest Palin, the Down’s Syndrome child, being the Governor’s oldest daughter’s child calls to mind the story of Hillary Rodham Clinton grabbing Vince Foster’s ass at a Rose Law Firm Christmas Party and saying “I have to get laid more than once a year”.] “Condo Commandos” is a buzzword for Jews. Particularly New York City Jews. A “New York lawyer” means one thing and one thing only. The fact of the matter is that you want one on your side particularly if the other side has one.

What would the permanently outraged main stream modern American Liberal media have done if Pat Buchanan had said “New York Lawyer”? He would be in quick pursuit of the Pioneer Space Probe. That was the one launched in 1977. Wasn’t Jimmy Carter President that year? Didn’t he say that Israel sponsors apartheid? Have you ever heard of “eclectic indignation”?

That “these” people would have voted for Dr. Mengele because of his enlightened views on abortion there can be no doubt. That they would have voted, willingly, for Pat Buchanan is as likely to have happened as pulled pork sandwiches at a Lubavitcher bris. I don’t know if you saw Worm Wexler’s use of Logic with regards to Sarah Palin. He said that she supported Pat Buchanan. He said that Pat Buchanan is a Nazi. Ergo, Sarah Palin is a Nazi. The Trivium has never had such a frontal assault since the great unwashed feral savages came out of the Fertile Crescent to strangle the birthplace of Western Civilization.

“Was it June or July of 1864 that the Union Army had 50,000 casualties”?

Think of those Spartan Hoplites still at Thermopylae; think of Athenian sailors still with their “wooden wall” at Salamis; think of Charles Martel at Tours; think of Cervantes at Lepanto; think of the Austrians using croissants as a psychological weapon; think of how the Marines came to be known as “Leathernecks”, think of Churchill at Omdurman; think of Munich, 1972; think of the World Trade Center, 1993; think of 9/11.

I say the above as a student of History.

I give you the above line in fee simple, unconditionally, with no reservations, for your use should you decide to write a novel about the Civil War, the Democratic Party, slavery, the New York Times, and Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.

As a Democrat he would have been opposed to the Civil War. The New York Times had news stories calling Lincoln a “baboon”. They also wanted a negotiated settlement with the South that would have preserved slavery there. The Democratic Party of 2006 – think Pelosi, Reed, and a former protégée of Bill “Mad Bomber” Ayres and Pastor Wrong Wright known as Senator B. Hussein Obama – was apoplectically opposed to the “Surge”. The New York Times – and if there is ever an example of why the estate tax should include capital punishment just look there – screamed against it everyday, just like it did to its predecessor, the surge led by Sherman. Gore, Nobel Prize notwithstanding, is the dumbest man in American politics. In a mirror lined phone booth, with a certified Life Coach giving instruction, he couldn’t find his ass using both his hands. One of his main problems with so doing is that he hasn’t yet figured out what to do with his thumbs. After voting for McClellan he would have opposed Sherman. He probably would have suggested giving back Atlanta as a sign of good faith.

If Sarah Palin is a Nazi Gore would have been a slave owner. He would have driven the get away wagon for John Wilkes Booth.

“What happened here in 2000 put George Bush in the
White House and it all started in Palm Beach County.”
Ibid

I hate to be always correcting my betters but…but…in the words of the great Rumsfeld, “Not so. Not so.”

Have you forgotten Tennessee and Arkansas?

Alpha Gump, or as the Secret Service called him, “Cementhead”, a native born Volunteer, the son of Armand Hammer’s bag man, a noted slum lord and land despoiler, couldn’t even carry his own state.

President Handsome Billy from Hot Springs, the King of the Oval Office One Eyed Trouser Snakes, couldn’t deliver Arkansas for Dumb Albert. He went on to win a Nobel Prize for, I think, flummery. It is a prize he shares with Le Duc Tho, Rigobertu Minchu, and Yasser Arafat. Wasn’t Arkansas’s motto “Mississippi is Worse”?

If either of those states had gone for Al & Joe the Easter Egg hunt would have been led by the charming Thumper Gump and all the Baby Gumpsters.

The other reason, the reason why George Bush became President, the one that rankles the asses of modern American Liberals, the one that ties their knickers into a knot of Gordian proportions, happened in 1987. Robert Bork. His name is now an eponym for a good man being grossly scandalized. “The little dogs were barking” that day.

He would have voted against taking the case.

You end your plea by exhorting us to “pray for a landslide”.

Prayers are always answered. Sometimes the answer is no.