Carl Hiaasen, The Miami Herald

September 28, 2008

Carl Hiaasen
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: “If Palin were a male candidate…” – A different take on the obviously eclectic joys in gender bashing.

Mr. Hiaasen,

“If Biden was a Republican candidate…” Note please the absence of the subjunctive. Only heads up their ass modern American Liberals are allowed to use it. Something about conditional nuances, whatever the Hell they are.

“If Biden was a Republican…”do you suppose someone, anyone would ask him about Franklin Roosevelt being President in 1929? Do you suppose someone, anyone would ask how Roosevelt could go on TV before it was invented? The man, for whom the word “boob” is enjoying a renascence, did say that. You could look it up and ask him ‘cuz [cuz? Cuz I like talkin’ like an embittered gun totin’, God clingin’, snake handlin’ Good ole boy Redneck, who Honest Injun, drives a red pick up truck, dontchaknow?] the toads who get chills up their legs when Senator B. Hussein Obama preaches sure as Hell ain’t.

“If Biden was a Republican…” do you think someone from the Democratic Party or its lap dog media suckups would ask him why he doesn’t want coal burning power plants in America? Since 50% of the electricity generated in this country comes from coal burning power plants does that mean he doesn’t want Florida to have air conditioning? Does that mean that he wants the people who mine coal in West Virginia, Kentucky, Ohio, Virginia, and Illinois, to lose their jobs? I don’t know if idle coal mines can be used to grow arugula, arugula being the favorite green veggie of Senator Bambi from Chicago. Chicago is/was/shall be the home of the famous “make every vote count only as often as it is needed” machine, remember? Is that what “community organizers” do there?

“If Biden was a Republican…” do you think someone from the Democratic Party or its lap dog media suckups would ask him how his kid got a $1,200,000 gig as a lobbyist? Mrs. Thomas Daschle needed a U-Haul to carry her swag out the door when she was – Summon the Exorcists! Fetch the holy water! Get a stake and a sliver bullet! – a lobbyist. Did I mention that her husband ran the United States Senate? I didn’t? I must have forgotten. Do you think the Democratic Party or its lap dog media suckups would have “If Daschle was a Republican…”?


I remember in 1960 President-elect Kennedy standing in front of his low income, blue collar house in inner city Georgetown announcing that he was naming his brother Bobby as his Attorney General. He said, “I want to give him some legal experience if he ever needs a job.” The press, you’ll be surprised to know, loved it. You say “If Palin were a male candidate she’d be asked why she put another childhood friend in charge of a money-losing, state subsidized creamery…” Maybe her friend knew the difference between the elusive curds and the wily wheys. I don’t know. I do know that Bobby Kennedy loved to wire tap Martin Luther King. Considering that his first job in Washington was as lead Counsel to Senator McCarthy [Joseph of Wisconsin, not Eugene of Minnesota] it would be fair to say that acorns never fall far from the tree, don’t you think?

“If Biden was a Republican…” do you think someone from the Democratic Party or its lap dog media suckups would have asked why he couldn’t make the guy in the wheel chair “walk”? Senator Edwards told us in 2004 that if Senator J. Forbes Kerry is elected wheel chairs would be made obsolete by his administration. In all fairness he did say it would require a second Kerry term to cover blindness and the repeal of that irksome Amendment about term limits to get to a return of Resurrections. Senator Curley Biden – I call him Curley in honor of the smartest of the 3 Stooges – has had some problems with the Catholic Church lately what with his incorrect utterances on Church doctrine. Do you suppose that “Payback is a bitch” is now ex cathedra? Don’t you think someone should ask?

“If Biden was a Republican…” do you think the fact of his cheating in law school and the plagiarizing of his speeches would be fodder for the big cannons of the modern American Liberal press? They would have a picture of this Chia-haired dunce on the walls of the Ethically Challenged Hall of Fame.

“If Biden was a Republican…” don’t you think someone, anyone would have pointed out that the only time “blue collar” could be used by him would have been if he spoke of his fondness for Brooks Brothers.

“If Biden was a Republican…” don’t you think someone, anyone would have asked why he was raised in a section of Wilmington still known as “Chateau Country”?

“If Biden was a Republican…” do you think someone from the Democratic Party or its lap dog media suck ups would have asked why, after averaging more than $250,000 a year in salary for a decade, he and his wife never voluntarily paid more in taxes than they had to?

Since Biden isn’t a Republican do you think the term “non-malodorous fecal matter” can be used to cover all of this nit-wit’s gaffes, non-sequiturs, malapropisms, and a foot so far down his mouth that it could kick his colon to death to cover all of his peculiarities? Wannabet he can’t spell potato?



Biden did vote in favor of Hanoi occupying Saigon in 1975.

Biden did vote in favor of Havana occupying Managua in 1983.

The lap dog media suck ups will never ask him about those votes.

He’s making us all long for the “paradigmatic template” of Vice Presidential candidates, Geraldine Fellini-Zuchini. Her husband, Gepetto, what with stealing money from old ladies and giving Sicilians a bad name, wasn’t exactly a day at the beach. What in the name of Harry Truman qualified her to be Vice President?

Speaking of and for “right wing gas bags who trashed Hillary Clinton” I tell you that as founding member of the “vast Right-Wing conspiracy” I loved Hillary.

Let me outline her career.

#1 – Her husband is elected as Attorney General of Arkansas.
1A – She is hired by the largest law firm in Arkansas.
#2 – Her husband is elected Governor of Arkansas.
2A – She becomes a partner in the largest law firm in Arkansas.

Coincidence?

It happens as often, as Jeeves used to say, “Finding a trout in the milk”.

She perfected the art of lap dancing in the electric chair when she “calmed” brain damaged Ricky Ray Rector as he was led – Isaac like – to be sacrificed on the altar of “Liberals can be tough on crime”. Remember?

If Hillary had her way Sister Souljah would have gotten a 3rd eye.

Sarah Palin wouldn’t have farmed the job out.