Barney Frank Did It!

September 24, 2008

“Eliminate the impossible; whatever is left,
however improbable,
is the answer.”
Holmes

Barney did it.

The whole enchilada.

Not Barney, the purple skinned TV galoot for whom a TV extinction would be the highest rated reality show ever. Not Barney’s, the poor man’s Starbucks wanabee and will someone please tell me how Seattle became the coffee capital of the world? None of them, no way, no how.

Congressman Barney Frank caused the whole mortgage mess. The smoking gun for Fannie and Freddie can be traced right back to him.

Congresslad Barney from Bayonne decided some time ago to stick his big toe, it being his most underused appendage, into the private sector.

He chose something to which he had devoted his whole life – prepubescent, teenage, and adult.

He opened a male only French Knocking Shoppe in his basement. People from Bayonne would have called it a “Mad About the Lad Whore House”. As the business grew, I dare say “tumescently” would not be an inappropriate word, he knew that he had to make some capital improvements.

He wanted to add 6 ½ baths, 4 whipping posts, 3 bubble machines, a stage where Richard Simmons could lead exercise classes, a mechanical bull in honor of Catherine the Great, an anatomically correct Rock Hudson action doll, a Barbra Streisand/Anita Bryant perpetual Celebrity Death Match, a stuff the canoli with biodegradable environmentally sensitive body fluids photo booth, cocktail forks designed by Oscar Wilde, a Truman Capote bobble head doll, a tableaux with the Village People singing “YMCA” for ever and ever and ever, a cologne spray machine featuring the manly smell of Brut, a library devoted to the wit and wisdom of Cole Porter, oodles and oodles of lavender stuff, & Ken and Ken Barbie Dolls, inter alia.

Mortgages, “personal loans secured by real property”, were made for this, or so thought Barney from Bayonne.

Bruce, Barney’s banking buddy, had some doubts. He had warned Big B about the angst of premature withdrawals. He also told him that a business plan for rump wrangling, however deeply penetrating and all encompassing, would be a hard sell.

If you could hypothecate Hershey Highway bazaars why not crack houses?

Anyway, before we could get to loan to value ratios events intervened.

Barney got caught fixing parking tickets for his live in boy toy.

In the back of his mind he felt that the mortgage Gods blew the whistle on his inamorata du jour so they wouldn’t have to deny his application. They ticked off the wrong guy from Bayonne.

He made sure that everyone could get a mortgage. That way no one would never not get a mortgage. Got it?

He knew that dead people in Hudson County voted. He made sure that they could get mortgages. Why should death deprive someone of the American dream?

Meanwhile, President Handsome Billy from Hot Springs took care of some of the stout lads and lasses who stood by him when he was publicly perjuring himself.

Franklin Raines, “clean and articulate” to quote Senator Curley Biden praising Senator B. Hussein Obama; James Johnson, a man for whom the word “oily” was made; and Jamie Gorelick, the author of the Chinese Wall that led to 9/11 and the possessor of a porcine puss in need of pounds of lipstick were sent to the Federal National Mortgage Association. “Send a thief to catch a thief” doesn’t quite make it. Foxes and vixens in charge of the hen house would be more apt.

Barney made Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac his personal lap dogs.

Barney thought he must have been back in Hudson County.

Senator Dodd [D-Ct] was almost too easy. A couple of bucks for his campaign and a below market rate special lulu of a mortgage that he got because he was a “Friend of Angelo” and he was in the tank. He raised being a smarmy bastard to an art form.

Senator Obama got the second highest amount of swag. Since he did it in only two years an asterisk – sort of like a reverse of Roger Maris – should be attached to his name.

The three yeggs cooked the books 6 ways to Sunday. They have already given back $90,000,000 [That’s ninety million dollars] If they didn’t why did they give the money back?

Barney, Bayonne’s Busiest Bee, operated on a simple philosophy. “Any public policy that involves robbing Peter to pay Paul will always have Paul’s support.” Barney found a treasure trove of hitherto unknown Pauls. He found the mother lode. In fact, he created a whole new class of poor, pitiful Pauls. They didn’t have to worry about low credit scores; they didn’t have any. In many instances they didn’t even have jobs.

[If memory serves, George Stephanopolous got a 125% mortgage on commercial property in Washington, D.C. in 1993. What that means is that the bank lent him the down payment and some working capital. Then they converted it into a mortgage. One Hell of a deal for Georgie! At least he was working. The immediate supervisor listed on his mortgage application was the previously mentioned President Clinton.]

Jamie Gorelick, for whom a new wave of basitnadoers may yet be called to service, refinanced $963,000 through Countrywide Mortgage. She was a “Friend of Angelo”. Angelo Mozillo was the CEO of Countrywide Mortgage. She was also a grifter. Doubtless, in return for services rendered she paid 20% LESS in interest than the market rate at the time of her closing. The term of her loan was 10 years. That’s a lot of money. She’ll need it for lipstick. A lot of lipstick. At least you knew where you stood with Tony Soprano. This sanctimonious strumpet peed on your back and told you it was rain.

Maybe she could have gotten a job at Barney’s Basement.

Goniff, Shyster, Dip, Finagle, Tosher.

No hot stove was safe.