September 24, 2014
Letter to the Editor
The Miami Herald
3511 NW 91st Avenue
Miami, FL 33172

RE: “The Urgency of Climate Change” – Some comments on today’s “The sky is falling” editorial on why electricity, frozen foods, plastic, carrots, broccoli, potatoes, and cable TV are bad.

Sirs,

Alas, there are several inconvenient facts that Worshippers at the Luddite Church of Undoing the Industrial Revolution always turn a blind eye to. There is a growing chorus of believers in reasoned discourse and, most importantly, the scientific method whose voices will be heard. That we have to bear the slings and arrows of outrage from boobs and mountebanks is a burden we gladly take up.

#1 – Carbon Dioxide – Should we outlaw photosynthesis? Should we burn down all the rainforests? How about forbidding all bovine, orvine, and porcine eructattions? GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChangeClimateDestruction is a problem at least equal to ADHD children whose Moms are women of color who are single parents and the plight of transgendered, lactose intolerant LGBT overweight teens who are being bullied. Should we encourage parents to train their children to hold their breaths?

#2 – Global Warming – Follow the bouncing ball. I’ll type slowly. As temperatures rise more land becomes more arable. That leads to an increase in protein which leads to smarter people. 12 centuries ago temperatures spiked upward in Europe. We wound up with the Renaissance. Do you have a problem with Dante? That’s why I wear a ball cap proclaiming me as a PROUD GLOBAL WARMER.

#3 – Think Globally; Act Locally – Since the last century I have been begging the Miami Herald to lead the charge against fossil fuels. About ½ of the electricity generated in this country comes from burning coal. About ½ of that electricity is used to run A/Cs. You must lead the way! Turn off all your A/Cs! We will follow. I think. Maybe. If we don’t, you will have earned that warm and fuzzy feeling that modern American Liberals so desperately want. In this case it will be a very warm feeling. Then you can mandate the use of public transportation by your employees.

#4 – Thank God for Leonardo the Benevolent – Horse’s Ass of the Week, Pompous Fart of the Month, Smarmy Bastard of the Year. I raise a major Te Deum that He has revealed Himself to us. Lambs and goats are slaughtered to show how happy we are that He has appeared. So seldom does a ninny such as he appear that it reminds me of Keats “seeing a new planet swim into his ken”. This jackass flies here in a private jet that burns more fuel than an F-16. He takes an SUV that burns so much gas that NSA satellites can track it. It also tracks the dozen or so polar bears he killed, including 2 nursing sows. Before addressing the assembled serfs, he accepts an award from Bill Clinton, the King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes. The award is on par with the one given to the 3rd tallest building in Wichita, KS. It is a leg up on the world’s second tallest midget laurel. Can enough flaming bags of cat shit be prepared to fling at Him before he returns to his gas-guzzling world? No.

#4 – Water front property – Why, if it is so obvious that the ocean levels are rising – Would it make me a racist to point out that President Obama, and let me say that he is the best President we have, told us that he would make the oceans recede? It is a risk that I have to take. If I don’t, in a strange way, the terrorists win. – do people still strive to buy waterfront property? The hated 1% can afford to hire very smart people who should tell them that the oceans are rising and soon, very soon, boat trips to Key West will start in Ocala. An acre of waterfront property in Miami was sold last month for $1,000,000. One million dollars. And no one told them? Shame on us.

#5 – The problem with modern American Liberals, in addition to suffering from “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” and an overload of “eclectic indignation”, is that they confuse feelings with ideas. Having cleared that very low bar they now graduate to feeling that correlation and causation is the same thing. They ain’t. Anyone who puts “consensus” and “science” in the same sentence should be flogged. Repeatedly. Nobody but nobody had the “consensus of scientists” like Ptolemy. He had it for 15 centuries. Has anybody heard about him lately?

Speaking of missing persons, did the Somali pirates snatch up Cindy Sheehan?

I am hard pressed to prevent the word bullshit from drowning out all else, particularly from “know-nothing” editorial writers.






Kevin Smith






PS – Dial 1-800- VIVALDI for emergency weather lessons 24/7