September 28, 2014
Congressperson Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
10100 Pembroke Pines Blvd.
Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: My pen is at your command

Dearest Darling Debbie,

DEMS!
DON’T DUMP DEBBIE!

Don’t Dump Debbie is the name of my new PAC.

What in the name of modern American Liberal wackamoles would I do without you?

I have waited longer than Vladimir and Estragon waited for the impolite Godot to arrive for the much heralded Summer of Recovery. Now that my manatee sushi business has been derailed by Wal-Mart I have far too much time on my hands.

That’s where you come in.

I am unable to keep up with your verbal incontinence but I rejoice in the fact that it is always there. I have an internal clock, like the one I use to limit my daily take of whooping cranes to 2, which prevents me from liquidating my vast 1% holdings and devoting myself to nothing else by hurling flaming bags of cat scat at you.

STOP THE PRESSES!

2 weeks ago you said “10 years of Coca-Cola and M&Ms gave you breast cancer”. You never said whether it was Diet Coke or M&Ms with nuts. This is important. You could just as easily have said that 10 years of Nancy Pelosi and tuition bills gave you breast cancer. How about the hole in the ozone layer? How about the hole in the ozone layer closing? Cash for Clunkers and the Summer of Recovery? The combination of being paid only 78% of what Congressman Alan West got when he was in Congress and the Koch Brothers polluting the airwaves could be carcinogenic.

I name the above examples because your CV says you have 2 degrees from the University of Florida. If you do you managed to get through at least 5 years of college without ever once tripping over tautologies, circular reasoning, post hoc ergo propter hoc, and why correlation is confused with causation. The last one is the comfort zone for oafs, blockheads, and modern American Liberal dunces.

It also allows you to bypass one of the wonders of Western Civilization; viz, the scientific method. It does away with thinking. Let me give you an example. Global warming is caused by hot summers which are caused by Global Warming, high tides are caused by Global Warming which also causes Global Colling which causes it to be cold in winter, ad infinitum. Once you get the hang of it it makes everything easy. Alas, it also makes it wrong but in the mAL world of only expectations, never results, counting you can reach the horizon while defying gravity.

It sure as Hell beats thinking.

I even thought you were engaging in some Noel Coward drawing room comedy but that would have been cruel to you. Whatever your strong points are sly wit and satire are to be found nowhere in your slim quiver.

As you were saying…

“He gives women the back of his hand and he drags us by our hair.”

I know you said that because you apologized for saying it

I have too many strong women in my family to give you or any woman “the back of my hand”.

As to “pulling you by your hair”, I fracked my first well in Duval County, Texas. One of my jobs was to re-wire fences. [Speaking of Duval County, why isn’t there a modern Americana Liberal shrine there? In 1948 Lyndon Johnson thought he had lost the Democratic Primary for United States Senate, “Not so fast”, said his good pal Abe Fortas. They counted the votes, they recounted the votes. They recounted the recounted votes. It was touch and go until, mirabile dictu, Abe Fortas found several hundred missing absentee ballots. I know it’s hard to believe but they were lined up alphabetically. Honest. I mean really honest. Would it be too far of a reach to suggest that, absent typical modern American mendacity, there would have been no wall in Washington with 58, 416 names of dead Americans on it? If you are not aware of it I am talking about the wall for the Americans who died in Vietnam. That wall. That war. At least that war ended. The other modern American Liberal war, the hugely successful War on Poverty, is rivaled only by the Punic Wars. How about a few pyramids? Thank God for Google.]

I look at your hair and I think “barbed wire”. Jagged, twisted, rusty, viper tongued, meaner than cat shit barbed wire. Rest easy. If anyone grabs you by those Medusa-like appendages it won’t be me

DON’T DUMP DEBBY
is a section 201, 301, 401, 501, 601, C3, C4, C4, DC3, and C47 non-profit PAC.

Any contribution you can make will be greatly appreciated.

Maybe your husband’s bank could help out.

Any way, hang tough. I got your back.



FROM A PROUD GLOBAL WARMER





Kevin Smith



PS – Was it the University of Florida or the University of Floriduh?