September 28, 2014
Mayor Jack Seiler
100 North Andrews Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Sounds like bullshit to me – Some comments on your blurb in today’s Sun Sentinel

Mr. Mayor,

It is with heavy hand and even heavier heart that I write to you in a less than positive way. I say that because we have several mutual acquaintances who assured me that you were smart and, more importantly, a stand-up guy. These names shall remain a pectore because it is my experience with modern American Liberal politicians in Broward County that they are vindictively nasty.

I don’t know about you but I do know the company you keep.

Maybe you have been to dinner too many times at Mitch Berger’s house. By the way, how was the kale and bromeliad consommé? I am sure you know that it was P.J. O’Rourke who discovered that all tofu comes from whale snot. You knew that, didn’t you?

The speaker at the Berger’s dinner was Tom Steyer. He has expanded, exponentially, the edges of the envelope that contains the specs for modern American Liberal hypocrisy. After making a gazillion dollars mining and selling “dirty coal” to the Chinese, said “dirty coal” having been unsaleable in this country for 35 years, he has come to know the Baby Jesus. His penance for being part of the 1% of the 1% is to undo the Industrial Revolution.

What was the dessert that night? Clam shell flambé? Sea weed sorbet? Kudzu cognac?

My grandfather, the legendary Jack Smith, was right. He noticed, shortly after legally arriving in this country, that there were more horses’ asses than there were horses’ heads. Even the temporary imbalance created by Don Corleone would have been corrected when both parts went to the glue factory, right?

I did say “heavy hand and heavier heart”. I am still a fan of meritocracy. By your public statements I am obligated to give you my entry level award. I add that the science of giving this award is long “settled”. Remember Ptolemy?

You are hereby named
HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
with all the rights and privileges attendant thereto.

I am sure your attempt to undrown all those vegan polar bears, for preventing the angry sea, the one which has not yet responded to Obama’s command to make it recede, from roaring down Broward Boulevard and swamping City Hall, plus your concern for transgendered LGBT bullied teenagers who are slaves to tweeting and obesity will cause you to do the one thing that will have an immediate impact on the environment and your electorate.

TURN OFF ALL THE A/Cs IN CITY BUILDINGS

Be the first Mayor in Broward County with environmental cojones.

Lead.

We will follow.

I think.

Maybe.


FROM A PROUD GLOBAL WARMER



Kevin Smith

PS – County Commissioner Kristin Jacobs was one of your fellow blurbers in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel. [Relying on Latin rules of grammar, “blurber” is decidedly non-gender specific. Look it up] I hope she puts away a lot of Tanqueray in the morning. No one sober could say such God-awful stupid things. She is the perfect example of why literacy tests should be brought back, not for voters but for candidates. She doesn’t handle any sharp instruments or operate heavy machinery, does she? I may be creating a new award for her. Fred Kite, an almost forgotten British Labor leader, once said, “All them corn fields and ballet at night”. This week this Broward version of Boob McNutt spoke tumescently of “beautiful urban bike trails” and of buses running on yak farts. I hope she will make no further contributions to our depleted gene pool. Jeezus Haitch Keerist but she is making Stacy Ritter and Miriam Oliphant look like runners up for Jeopardy. We’ll have a party when she finds out what to do with her thumbs.