April 3, 2016

Mitchell Berger, Esq.

350 E. Las Olas Blvd

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Some comments on your really dumb, head up your ass comments in the mini Op-Ed section of today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

Mr. Berger, 

Perhaps I spoke too soon. The possibility of identity theft cannot be discounted. A scroyle, doubtless in the employ of the Koch Brothers, tip-toed into your office when no one was looking and duplicated all your personal data. Nah. If someone did thathe would have gone for a big score rather than running around screaming “Look at me! I am a friggin’ moron!”

Having ruled out the possibility that your evil twin has captured your word processor I go with the firm belief that you really do want Florida to sue ExxonMobil for failing to disclose what it knows GCGWCCCD. That’s an acronym for Global Cooling, Global Warming, Climate Change, Climate Destruction.

That is like an off speed chest high batting practice [pitch to Babe Ruth or henry Aaron. [Did I just date myself?] It is possible to hit it into a different zip code, and if there is a good following wind, into a different area code.

The only way you don’t do either is by overswinging.

A quick review is in order.

You entered the 10 ring, an area reserved for public horses’ asses, folks such as you, when your wife hosted a vegan dinner for her classmate Tom Steyer.

Let the record show that before Steyer became an acolyte of Gaia he sold a gazillion dollars’ worth of “dirty” coal to struggling 3^rd Worlders who were jut trhying to feed themselves. It is indeed fitting and proper to state that he got over all that “White Man’s Burden” balderdash very quickly. When Mammon calls like Siren who among us can say that he would not answer?

It is said that he has so much money that should he ever decide to kill himself he need only jump off his wallet. Further, he has decided that he will spend his own money to undo the Industrial Revolution. That, plus the undrowning of a few polar bears – not a good thing for the cute little baby seals – should keep him going for years.

I am a firm believer in “Thinking Globally and Acting Locally”.

First, I must disclose some material facts, the absence of which would constitute civil fraud on my part.

#1 – I read “The Population Bomb” by Professor Paul Ehrlich, Ph.D. in 1970. It had an interesting thesis: The race was on to see if we would freeze to death or starve. The finish line was the year 2000. The only unknown factor was what the Roman Catholic Church could do to speed this up. Honest. Read the book. My calendar says April, 2016. My A/C is on and I am still calorically challenged.

#2 – Bullshit such as the above brings out the rascal in me. Every morning in the ‘70s I would step out from the shower, open the window, and bomb Guernica-like, the beleaguered ozone layer with my can of Right Guard deodorant spray. Sometimes I would use shaving cream, such cream powered by a toxic, mocking bird killing, inorganic fossil fueled based gas, to write on the mirror, “Stop me before I do this again”.

#3 - I fracked my first oil well 150 miles from where the Miami Dolphins won their last Super Bowl.

#4 – I cut coal in Kentucky and West Virginia for 10 years. Unlike Saint Steyer I had no benighted 3^rd Worlders to peddle my wares to. I sold “steam coal”, less than 1% sulfur industrial coal. If it did not meet that standard the utility could not burn it to make at one time more than half the electricity produced i9n this country. It is an inconvenient truth that Steyer sold such a schmutzy coal to Chinamen and Red Dot Indians that had he sold it in this country he would have been arrested. Thank God for WOGs! Without them Steyer would be preaching to himself.

#5 – Tony Vivaldi is my favorite climatologist.

#6 – All of which leads me to the fact that I am very, very disappointed in you.

You have a very successful law practice that enables you to lecture to the point of incessant hectoring those of us for whom the 1% life style is a vanishing dream. [Should Bernie replace the soon to be indicted Hillary he will tax the dream to death]

I suggested a course of action, a mixed metaphor Patrician noblesse oblige moment if you will.

#1 – Turn off all the A/Cs in your offices.

#2 – Require that all associates use public transportation only.

#3 – Refuse to do any legal work for any buyer, seller, or lender on any property that has access to a canal that leads to the Intracoastal that will make it easier for the rising sea levels to inundate us. It goes without saying which is why it must be said that women and minorities will suffer disproportionately and, as such, must be offered more protection than the law would normally allow. Details to follow. 

President Obama, and let me say again that he is the best President we have, told us that if we “liked our health plan we could keep it”. He also told us that he would “Cool the earth and calm the seas”.

I’ll say this for him. He’s consistent. While he is still “clean and articulate” he is a boob of Brobdanaglian boundaries who would be hard pressed to find his ass using both his hands. His wife’s ass and Hillary’s ass are different. They show up on radar. SEAL Team 6 could rappel off them.

Now you want Florida to join New York in suing Exxon Mobil for failing to disclose to investors that – Mirabile dictu! – both cli9mate and weather change.

As soon as I see you on a skateboard I’ll thing netter of you, you putz.

Kevin Smith

PS – Today’s useless factoid quiz is to for you to plumb the etymological depths of the word Greenland. Get back to me, OK?