April 5, 2016

Secretary Jay Forbes Kerry

Department of State

Washington, DC 20521

RE: Why I can’t write fiction

Mr. Secretary,

I ain’t Frog Hollande. You can’t delete my words. Ignore them? Of course. But you do so at your and the country’s peril.

The Armenians and the Azerbeganians at at each other’s throats with hammer and tong, just like the good old days. Since the words “Islamic terrorist” are about as welcome in Foggy Bottom as 5 pounds of lard, 10 pounds of pulled pork, 20 pounds of sow’s ears, and a 40 pound suckling pig complete with an apple in its mouth would be in Mecca, an alternative must be found.

Can we say “non-Islamic terrorist” without having to worry about an uninvited visit from SEAL Team 6, the Verboten Words squad?

Tell me, please, if James Taylor has pictures of you lopping off the ears of Vietnamese agrarian reformers, AKA the Viet Cong?

I can think of no other earthly reason why else you would inflict him on France while they were mourning the loss of 130 of its citizens at the hands of, and forgive me for denying your narrative, “Islamic terrorists”?

The picture of this nit-wit, a man so ashamed of his folliclely challenged head that he had his vintage Uncle Floyd-style hat both Gorilla Glued and stapled to said skull while he plucked at his guitar and warbled the 20^th century’s 2^nd worst song – “You Have a Friend” - to a grieving nation. Let the record show that absent John Lennon’s “Imagine” it would have been #1.

In addition to pictures of you cutting off VC ears maybe he has a few of you doing the horizontal tango with Mrs. Cong.

France has suffered enough. Put him in Gitmo.

I suggest a “leading from behind” way to end the Armenian/Azabarjanian brouhaha.

Send B-52s loaded with replicas of Taylor’s hat, said hat attached to a CD of every song he ever wrote or sang. Carpet-bomb both countries. Drop this gift from America on Ground Zero. The protagonists will put the hat on and listen to his songs. about 12 minutes into it hey will kill themselves. If they kill themselves they will be precluded from killing each other.

Put that one in the win column.

One more thing before I mix the hemlock.

You said, and judging from the telecast you were in complete control of your faculties, that the bombings of the Belgian airport and train station by feral WOGs, all of whom share the same mosque, is proof that we are winning the war against terrorism whatever its religious background.

My God but that is dumb. 

On the other hand, someone who runs for President in 2004 disguised as a big pink rabbit and proclaims that he voted for something before he voted against it may have a diminished capacity due to too much lead eaten when you were a child

.

One of the joys of being a fledgling polemicist is that you can safely project such balderdash meanderings to its Logical conclusion. 

If they are winning because they are blowing up public places and killing people randomly would it not prove that if we were to have dropped 6 more A-Bombs on Japan we, not they, would have surrendered on September 2, 1945?

Keep me in the loop. Glad to help.

Kevin Smith

PS – Any chance of my getting an autographed picture of you in the pink bunny suit? I am still waiting for one from Wee Mikey Dukakis driving a tank in 1988