April 4, 2016

Is it possible that the plight of the Cape Sable seaside sparrow, a greatly underappreciated, vastly unheralded endangered species, will toss the unnamed scourge of Western Civilization, Islamic terrorism, off the front pages?

First of all, I don’t give a shit about the Cape Sable seaside sparrow. I cared, deeply, about the furbish lousewort and the Delhi smelt. I am constantly told that there is to be zero, as in zilch, nada, zippo deviation from the rules concerning the worship of the Theory of Evolution. To even ask why it is still called a theory 158 years after it was frits posited has been considered to be a flogging offense. It says that all God’s creatures have a time to be and a time not to be

Maybe it is time for the winged munchkin to go. Since it is the size of a ping-pong ball its main enemies are the wind and the rain. 

I mention this because the South Florida Water management District, an obscure agency with immense power, is giving us a classic example of how bureaucracies operate, particularly when independent judgment is needed. They do nothing thereby guaranteeing that everybody will be mad at them. 

Their job is simple. Regulate the flow of water into and out of the Everglades. The Everglades is a pet name for the expanse of soggy marsh land, filled with perpetually rutting Burmese pythons, opportunistic alligators, Redskin casino operators and peripatetic panthers that is West of Sawgrass Mall and East of Naples. In Jersey, from whence I came 20 years ago, it would be called a swamp and treated accordingly

The water techies can’t do their job as they have in the past because of “how critical a couple of centimeters of water can be for the environment” or so says USGS hydrologist Paul Conrads, one of the project’s lead scientists at the agency’s South Atlantic Water Science Center. It is acceptable for these nasty foragers to be eaten by snakes and birds but someone flushing a toilet 25 miles away will bring Seal Team 6 to your house. 

Maybe it is time for the WOGs to take over. If you were to say stuff such as the above at Friday prayers the Imams would toss you right quick into the stoning pit.

Secretary of State Jay Forbes Kerry, a worthy successor to William Jennings Bryan, has done several things superbly well in his life.

#1 – He managed to erase all copies of his DD214. That’s the record of your last day in military service. It says where you have been, what you have done both good and bad and what your commanding officers thought of you.

#2 – He married up twice. His “second wife used her first husband’s money to buy a $7,000,000.00 yacht in New Zealand to avoid the higher wages in New England”.

They then registered it in Rhode Island hoping to dodge a $62,000 tax bullet that should have been paid to Massachusetts. Is this what Bernie the Bolshie means when he talks about the rich not paying their “fair share”? #3 – His Presidential campaign in 2004 featured 2 memorable things. He kept saying that he voted for the war before he voted against it. Honest. Then, when he realized that he was too tall to fit in a tank a la Governor Wee Mikey in 1988, he disguised himself as a big pink bunny to show he was tough on Brer Fox.

#3 – He went to Paris after feral Muslim thugs killed 130 Froggies because they were insufficiently enthusiastic about pre-pubescent female genital mutilation. Let me say that I am envious of his hair. 72 year old men should not have hair like that. 27 year old men should not have hair like that. That’s why his traveling companion, James Taylor, was so odd. We can stipulate to one thing. The bowling balls featured in “The Big Lebowski” have more hair than he does. The last time that head had hair was when he decided to be an English Judge for a day. That’s why that pompous fart wore a hat. “No one will think I am as bald as Yul Brynner.” Honest. Thank God for John Lennon singing “Imagine”. If it weren’t for that his song “You have a Friend” would surely be the worst song of the entire 20^th century. That he was traveling with the Secretary of State as this country’s official troubadour should be sufficient to put them both in stocks for a week. The burden of pedaling a $3,400 bike was a bit too much for him. Even his form fitting Spandex couldn’t save him from breaking his femur. Hey Jay! You’ve got enough money to have someone else pedal for you, you dummy.

#4 – His pomposity approaches smarminess. “Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” also serves as a sun screen when he wind sails, I can neither prove noe disprove the rumor that Kerry’s mad-cap gypsy wife Tereza had a great ,grandfather who was in the packaging and transportation business in East Africa. One of his partners was named Obama. 

The best basketball team in Houston this weekend was the Husky Ladies. They handled the Lady Beavers most convincingly. Please note that I did not say the Ladies’ Beavers. There was no question who was the pitcher and who was the catcher. The chicks on top was a question settled early on. The 2 announcing chicks were terrible.

Do you remember Shannon Faulkner? She was the first female to attend The Citadel, previously a same-sex, the sex being male, military school in South Carolina. That she chose to attend while disguised as the Pillsbury Dough Girl hastened her departure. Getting out of bed winded her. Her main physical activity for the 3 months leading up to her arrival was reaching for seconds of biscuits and gravy. I mention this because being in top physical condition is prerequisite for being a champion in any sport. The Husky Ladies could have run all night.

On the wall of the Metroplex, a state of the art gymnastics training facility in Allen, TX is a saying attributed to Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant.  “It is not the will to win that is important. Everyone has that. It is the will to prepare to win that makes champions.”

My youngest granddaughter, Julia Hanson, trains there. On Saturday in Houston, TX she became the Texas B3 state champion. She got it the old fashioned way: She earned it. Tokyo, 2020! Here we come!

KEVIN SMITH

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – A bird that may cause incalculable damage to Florida;  basketball; a politician who is a world class horse’s ass; my granddaughter, AKA Julia Hanson, Texas state champion gymnast. 2 out of 4 is pretty good