Fran Wood, The Star Ledger

June 15, 2009

Fran Woods
The Star Ledger
1 Star Ledger Plaza
Newark, New Jersey 07102

RE: If she talks, walks, and throws like a girl do you think maybe she might be a…a…girl. A somewhat different take on your column of June 11, 2008 about Hillary as, quelle surprise, a victim of uterine circumstances.

Ms. Wood,

I was inadvertently trapped in the Pioneer Space Probe in 1977. It was the express route. It didn’t stop until Uranus and you know how difficult it is to make connections form there. But even then and there I knew about Hillary Clinton.

I knew that in her first high profile law job – Special Counsel to the House of Representatives – she recommended that the accused be denied the right to counsel.

I knew that she was hired by the largest law firm in the state of Arkansas when her husband became Attorney General. I knew that she became a partner in the largest law firm in the state when her husband was elected Governor. I knew that she most zealously defended a pedophile rapist by attacking the victim, the 12 year old victim. The perp went inside for only a year when she had the top count dismissed and he pled guilty
to one count of stinky finger with a non-family member.

I knew that she had a broker named “Red Bone”. I knew that a lot of people involved in Whitewater went to prison. I knew that the sales contract she drew up for Whitewater was the worst, most God awful anti-consumer contract ever done. In it she got the red necked rubes who were the typical purchasers to give up the right to a hearing before a Judge, that’s usually referred to as “due process”, in favor of the Rule of 78. If you are not familiar with that go to Route 22 and ask one of the charmers who wears suede shoes and sells used cars on a lot with a sign that says “Buy Here – Pay Here”. I knew that she gave Ricky Ray Rector a lap dance to keep him from fidgeting in the electric chair. Ricky Ray, you may recall was a feral Black man who after killing several people, tried to kill himself. All the bullet did to his brain did was turn him into a lump with an IQ of 60. Being able to neither understand the charges against him nor being able to assist in his own defense did not prevent Arkansas from convicting him of capital murder. He went to the chair to show that Bill was tough on crime. She did her part.

When she got to the White House her 3rd choice for Attorney General began her illustrious Federal care by charbroiling some 7 dozen of her fellow citizens. There were two qualifications for the job: #1 – A valid law license and #2 – most important, no prostate gland. I know that her firing the White House travel staff wasn’t enough; she had them indicted. The one job her husband gave her, a job in violation of Federal law, she first SNAFUed. Then she FUBARed it.

I know that she didn’t send her daughter to any of the really fine public high schools in the District of Columbia. I know that while she was doing the Serpentine Shuffle and Two Step on the tarmac at Tuzla she Damn near gave Milosovic a third eye. I know that she garnered some credit for not hitting her layabout husband, Handsome Billy, The King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes, with a bat. Perhaps a Lorena Bobbit origami would have been in order. I know that she put her family abandoning, child support dodging brother in the way of some easy Benjamins by acting as the bag lady for the sale of Presidential pardons. [When the question of pardons comes up I have the picture of Denise Rich blowing Big Bill’s flute most skillfully. Don’t you just know that wasn’t the only instrument she tuned for him?] I know that she would have taken the Rose Garden and the West Wing of the White House out the door with her save for the fact that Mayflower didn’t bring a big enough truck.

As to your criticism of the First Amendment, such criticism being expressed by you taking genteel umbrage of someone calling her a “presumptuous woman”, may I suggest that should any women as presumptuous as Golda Meir or Margaret Thatcher were to present themselves for public office; I would keep alive the tradition of Hudson County – I am from Bayonne – and vote for them twice.

Your knickers, and I just know that they are really cute, are in a knot because Don Imus referred to her as “Satan”. If he had called her “macaca” he would have been sent into pursuit, perpetual pursuit, of the Pioneer Space capsule. May I ask what your reaction was when President Bush was referred to as Hitler? What would have been your reaction if you knew that the New York Times acquiesced in calling President Lincoln a “baboon”?

You end by saying that Hillary – I hope you won’t think ill of me if I tell you I still haven’t made up my mind if it’s Hillary the Harridan or Hillary the Hecate – was like Ginger Rogers. She did everything that Fred Astaire did only she did it in high heels and backwards.

Not so. Not so.

Ginger Rogers rose to the top of her profession not because of what Fred Astaire did. She earned an Academy Award not because of what her husband did. She got it the old fashioned was; she earned it.

Would that Mrs. Clinton could say the same.