David Axelrod – Senior Adviser The White House

October 11, 2010

David Axelrod – Senior Adviser
The White House
Washington, DC 20500

RE: Random thoughts on proofs that perhaps man is descended from bears. Apes, no.

To Whom It May Concern:


David Axelrod, senior adviser to the Obama White House, said that “the United States Chamber of Commerce has the burden of proving false the charges by Democrats that the business group is funneling foreign money to Republican campaigns”.

[The name of Nazi & Communist collaborator, George Soros, was never mentioned.]

For the sake of argument let us assume that it didn’t happen.

What proof would be sufficient to prove that it didn’t happen?

We know what a “smoking gun” is.

What is a “non-smoking gun”?

The sounds in the background, one of finger nails on the blackboard combined with the dentist’s drill making first contact with an enflamed molar, is what you hear when 25 centuries of Logic gets the boot. Critical enquiry and reasoned discourse have been benched in favor of Star Chambers and drum head courts martial.

David Axelrod reminds you of the kid in high school who never got picked for the dodge ball team. A kind gym teacher would put him on one side or the other or the dogs would come and piss on him.

If he went to an all boys school he never got to eat his lunch in the cafeteria. Mom’s water cress, tofu, arugula and organic mayonnaise sandwiches on whole wheat toast with the crust cut off would never have made it past the second period.

I have it on highest authority, from unimpeachable sources who must remain anonymous, that certain White House advisers are world class wankers. While style counts for some points it is distance and volume that count most in the spirited White House intramural contests. Bonus points are awarded for hitting Bo, the White House Wonder Dog. The senior wanker who is primus inter pares is known to have a droopy

mustache. He thinks that the Pillsbury Dough Boy has the ideal male body shape. [It used to be Bibendum but that was before a Buy America campaign became part of the Summer of Recovery.]

The burden of proof is on Mr. Axelrod, a man known to have the mystery word ONAN tattooed on both of his inner thighs, to prove that he doesn’t spend face time with Lord Barack the Beneficent spanking his monkey. His support group, Chicken Chokers of America, says that his left handed and backward technique has inspired millions of pre-pubescent boys, boys of confused sexuality, to aim for the stars.

It is known that the chances of getting AIDS, of getting any STD, are zero provided that wankers stay in the closet.

The group wants Axelrod to come out of the closet to say that it’s OK to stay in the closet.

The non-partisan Congressional Budget Office has said that if one generation of teenage boys devote themselves to progressive and perpetual wankering it will result in a cost savings of several gazillions of dollars in Obama Health Care savings over ten years. If this 10 year projected savings had not appeared on this year’s Federal budget as an asset the Chinese were going to sell their markers to the Bank of Sal and Nunzio. Both are honors graduates of the Soprano School of Getting the Customer from No to Yes.

Provided the boys warm up properly, epicondylitis being the chief concern, being the chief injury to be wary of, wankering is good for the country.

It is organic. It leaves no carbon footprint. It could cause the sweat sock industry to go to three shifts.

World Wide Wankers, including both Sunni and Shia All Stars, are coming to Washington to shake their filled fists in support of White House wankering.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, and can’t you just picture him under a TARP in a pile with Axelrod, Barbara Mikulski, Robert Reich, Donna Shalala, and soon to be unemployed Congressman Barney Frank, Bo, the White House Wonder Dog, and 20 gallons of industrial strength WD-40, has, for him, taken a wise course by saying he will treat this as a “hands off” subject.

If you were wearing your tin hat and had your decoder ring on you could hear Bo, the WHWD, saying, “If this is evolution stop the bus. I want to get off.” Janet Reno was there as Gatekeeper Emeritus. The rumor that Barney Frank would be touring as a one-man show with him as a combination of Oscar Wilde and Rock Hudson with the Village People as an opening act could not be confirmed. Using the precedent of David Axelrod concerning the burden of proof it must be assumed to be correct until Barney, the Wump Wangler from Bayonne, can prove otherwise.

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce said that, if successful, it would adopt the Barney Frank defense of proving that something didn’t happen.


“FREE MEN SPEAK WITH FREE TONGUES”

Kevin Smith


PS – To paraphrase Curley Biden, our moronic wet your pants what am I supposed to do with my thumbs are my teeth in backwards again Vice President, “It’s no big fucking deal”.