Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Democratic National Committee

June 19, 2012
Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
Democratic National Committee

Washington, DC

RE: “A promise made is a debt unpaid”

Darling dearest Debbie, Debbie,

I promised, for reasons of public comity and “Can’t We All Get Along”, that I would offer you some suggestions to help you get your Boss, Bozo Barack, back to the White House.

Herewith today’s suggestions.

#1 – David Axelrod – Why have you been hiding this handsome stranger from public view? He is priceless. The more he is made available to the public the more important he will become to the campaign. Honest.

Do you remember the bar/bowling alley that Hillary Clinton went to during the Pennsylvania primary? It was the place where she downed a shot of brown whiskey. Not Chablis. Whiskey. Get Axelrod back to that place. His gregarious nature, his macho good looks, his ability to connect with the 99% will win the day for B.O. Maybe he could help them clean their guns. Maybe he could gut some fish. Maybe the sun will rise in the West. Maybe my brother the hunchback will straighten up. Get him there.

The more you get him into the public eye the easier your job will be.

Trust me.

Silly me. Don’t trust me

I know of two saloons in Democratic strongholds – Broward County and Hudson County – where the publicity that would be generated by a David Axelrod visit would be enormous. Broward County is a county so strongly modern American Liberal that if Dr. Mengele were to run in a Democratic primary he would be elected overwhelmingly because of his progressive views on abortion. Hudson County has such pride in its ancestry that they were pioneers in the belief that death is not an impediment to voting. Photo IDs, death certificates, who cares? It’s Row A - All the Way.

The one in Broward County is Grady’s on South Andrews Avenue in Fort Lauderdale. It’s known for a lot of things. Sushi ain’t one of them. Is Davey good at arm wrestling? I’ll take him there.


The one in Hudson County is in Bayonne. Boyle’s on Avenue C and 3rd Street.

I’ll have noted restaurateur and sportsman, the legendary Big Mike from Bayonne, take him there. The first time he sees clams being eaten without opening the shell might be a little disconcerting. Tell him to wear that leather jacket. There is valet parking for his Hog.

I guarantee the publicity from both visits will make the evening news.

#2 – Attorney General Eric Holder

I am sure you remember when Janet Reno began her illustrious federal career by charbroiling some 7 dozen of her fellow citizens. Who could top that?

Eric Holder, it seems, is a fast closer. The only dead guy we’re concerned with is a good guy. He wore a badge and a gun. A Federal badge. His name was Brian Terry. The details are still sketchy but more than 2 years ago he was killed with a gun that the United States Government gave to Mexican bandits to see how long it would take to get back across the border. That sounds like a plan to me. Meanwhile, Toad Carney, the flack who tells half lies and quasi lies on a daily basis announces that Eric Holder stopped the program 6 months before he had heard of it. That last bit is from Holder’s sworn testimony. Shades of Governor Dukakis not seeing the families of Willie Horton’s Maryland victims! Carney forgot the agent’s name.

Let’s stipulate that when a Democratic Congress subpoenas a Republican member of the Executive branch it’s OK. OK?

Perhaps your husband, a banker known for his use of “Oklahoma Transfer” clauses, has been on the receiving end of a Federal subpoena.

I have.

It does not say “maybe”. It does not say “perhaps”. The subjunctive is unknown to its authors.

It commands you to produce yourself and the documents [duces tecum, anybody?] by date and time certain or you will have your ass kicked.

That Congress has the “right” to summon members of the Executive branch to testify under oath and subject to the laws governing perjury there can be no doubt. Do you think that heroic Colonel North would have volunteered to show up in front of a joint House/Senate lynch mob?

You remember the 11th hour Clinton pardons, don’t you? His right to do it was absolute. I could say it was black letter law but I won’t. Heaven forefend that I should be called a racist! Because he had the right to do it didn’t mean it was right to do it.

One of the pardons was for a drug dealing murderer. He hired – Can you believe this? – Hillary Clinton’s brother to handle the negotiations. It is well to note that he, Hugh Rodham, not the felon, was the first man to be married in the White House who was later sued for child support.

Holder approved the pardon.

Another one of note involved Marc Rich. He was an original 1%er who was convicted of stealing $500,000,000. That was back when $500,000,000 was real money. He then hoofed it to Switzerland. His wife, Denise Rich, a musician of some note, personally appealed to President Handsome Billy from Hot Springs.

She gave him at least 10 private saxophone lessons. Intense ones involving breath control, tongue flicking, mouthpiece left, mouthpiece right, mouthpiece straight on, plus full use of available mandibles. Practice, practice, practice. Perfect.

Big Bill called Holder and told him to approve the pardon. Holder did.

To hell with Meet the Press! Get these two to baseball games, state fairs, horse gelding seminars, bar-b-q contests, backyard keggers, Even Joe the Plumber could go for them. Axelrod and Holder. Perfect together.

I am sorry you get bumped from your speech at Temple Israel in Miami. I am told there are a lot of “stiff necked people” there.

When does this year’s Summer of Recovery start?

You’re doing a great job. Keep it up. I’ll keep coming with more great ideas.






Kevin Smith