Kirsten Powers USA-Today

June 23, 2012
Kirsten Powers
USA-Today

RE: So what’s wrong with “witch hunts”? – Some comments on your appearance on Bill O’Reilly’s Friday night show.

Ms. Powers,

Any ink stained wench who survived a few rounds with Anthony Weiner is OK in my book. [I can’t think of anyone who needed a beating more than he did last year but that’s a different story.] Your comments on the coming Congressional contempt citation of Fast & Furious bandleader Eric Holder led to a flashback to another upside down time.

Do you remember a book with the name “October Surprise”?

The author, Gary Sick, parlayed a parlous premise into 15, maybe 20, minutes of fame. He posited the preposterous plot that in October, 1980 Vice Presidential candidate George H.W. Bush told the Secret Service that he was going to take an afternoon off from campaigning to play tennis.

Here’s where it gets really good.

Instead of foot faults and top spin forehands he got into a Blackbird – SR71 – and flew at Mach 4 to Paris. When he got there he went to a 2 Star bistro on the Rive Gauche where he met a WOG intermediary of Ayatollah Khomeini. Over lunch, and I hope that at least one bottle of Chateau Talbot 1970 was drunk, they struck a deal that threw the 1980 election to Reagan. He then got on the plane and flew back to Andrews Air Forde Base. There are no notes of the lunch because if you think about it, it was secret. Don’t ask. There are no records of the flight.

It is probably a coincidence [Coincidence? “Yes”, said Jeeves to Bertie. “It’s like when you find a trout in the milk.”] but when the book came out in 1991 the engine of modern American Liberal retribution roared into overdrive, there being a Presidential election just over the horizon.

Speaker of the House Thomas Foley [D-WA] began a House investigation into the possibility of any “October Surprise”. His reasoning was breathtakingly clear and lucid. “Precisely because there are no facts we must have an investigation.” Honest Injun. He said that. [I say “Injun” knowing that I risk a late night raid by the dreaded Word Police because his finest public moment involved him doing “Injun” things. Democrats had not had White House Christmas Tree lighting since 1980. They jerry rigged a House lighting of a Holiday Tree. The name was non-denominational in deference to Druids and Bahai degendered obese teens. It also was to raise our AIDS awareness. The Speaker of the House, a position 3rd in line for the Presidency, took part by beating a 10 foot wide Tom-Tom to open the festivities. I hope much fire water was involved. I hate to think he would make such a horse’s ass of himself without having half a load on.] If you think I think Foley was a putz you would be correct.

As an aside, Hillary Clinton said that her husband’s alleged peccadilloes were a figment of the imagination of the “vast Right-Wing conspiracy”. Further, fame and fortune awaited the diligent reporter who uncovered this. I think Tom “The Gom” Foley” had some outside help with his Tom-Tom performance. I think Elizabeth Warren helped him perfect his rat-atat-atat timbrel solo. Fame and fortune await the diligent reporter who gets to the bottom of this. I hear that candidate Warren will kill the first blonde haired, blue eyed White man she finds on June 25th, it being the anniversary of Custer getting his well-deserved chop. Then she will scalp him and tear his out and eat it to the tune “I Am Injun Hear Me Roar”.

All of which brings me back to your appearance on TV last night.

You say the House shouldn’t investigate Toad Holder because there is no evidence. I say that House, an institution whose functions are predicated on precedent, has more than sufficient reason to investigate him. Besides, the eternal rule of tu quoque applies. It all depends on whose Gore is being oxed.

You say that the Republicans – reptiles all – are on a “witch hunt” as if it were a bad thing. What’s wrong with “witch hunts”? They work, don’t they?

They had one in Salem, Massachusetts in 1692. In less than a year the witch problem was solved. In fact, there have been no reports of witches there in 320 years. We can stipulate that that Witch Hunt worked, can’t we?

Last, dump the guy you were with last night. His persona would spoil milk. Plus, I’ve seen better looking bodies in the morgue.

Kevin Smith