Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Democratic National Committee

June 26, 2012

Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
Democratic National Committee
430 S. Capitol Street
Washington, DC 20003

RE: Godfrey Daniel! Don’t do that to me again.

Debbie, Debbie,

Crikey!

I woke up yesterday to see a headline screaming, “Debbie slams Florida”. I know we’ve disappointed you from time to time. I know you, as a modern American Liberal, have to discipline us from time to time. Then I found out it was a tropical storm.

Anyway, today’s campaign tip involves David Axelrod, gun control, drowning polar bears, and GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChange.

I’ll bet you never knew I was in the coal business. The quintessential fossil fuel. I have been underground in Kentucky and West Virginia. I still have some friends in the business.

Herewith today’s modest proposal.

Let me bring David Axelrod to coal country. After we wash down some Moon Pies with RC Cola we’ll go underground. Not into one of those girly man coal mines with a 10 foot ceiling. 60 inches is about right. The only way you can stand up is if your name is Toulouse-Lautrec. Roof bolts, continuous mining machines, and some unsuspecting canaries.

After work he’ll be able to explain his views on life without the 2nd Amendment to guys with dirty faces, pick-up trucks with NRA decals, and some very pronounced views on the subject. I’ll try to interpose myself between him and some of the more vocal “bitter clingers”. GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChange, a real winner, will be the next topic.

You may find this hard to believe but polar bears are very popular animals in Appalachia. The name ranks 3rd on the list of most popular high school nick-names in coal country. Any news of them drowning is a bummer. The way to save them is surprisingly simple.

Follow the bouncing ball.

50% of the electricity generated in this country comes from burning coal. 50% of that electricity is used to power A/Cs. Let’s, gulp, turn them off. If we do that we won’t need coal. The symbolism of turning off the A/C in Congress will be powerful. The sting of unemployment will be off-set by the warm and fuzzy glow you get when you save a drowning polar bear. The only loser here will be the baby seal world but somebody has to draw the short straw in this Zero Sum game, right? I mean Think Globally Act Locally has to start somewhere, right? Once we get rid of the stigma of giving selfish Americans a ginormous carbon footprint by getting rid of the ginormous carbon footprint we’ll turn the place into Silicon Valley East. An interim step would be to turn the abandoned coal towns into phone centers for the Indian electronics and software industry.

[Not Elizabeth Warren Indian but, rather, Gung Din Indian]

The fundamental transformation of a nation is never easy. He may have to spend some time with the snake handling crowd but with his certain style, that special grace, his Cary Grant/Jack Kennedy panache he’ll win them over.

Yesterday was the anniversary of Custer getting the chop. I was worried that Elizabeth Warren, known as Princess SummerFallWinterLiar to her friends, was going to kill the first White man she saw with blue eyes and long blond hair. After she killed him she was going to scalp him and then cut his heart out and eat it. Thank God she was rehearsing to be Barney Frank’s Maid of Honor!

Tomorrow I’ll tell you how to turn “Fast and Furious” into a plus.




Kevin Smith