August 11, 2013
Gina Barecca
The Hartford Courant
285 Broad Street
Hartford, CT 06115

RE: “Unlearning The Life Lessons of Kindergarten” – Some comments on your continuing, doubtless perpetual, probably Sisyphean, task to undo the obvious, the du jour obvious being that boys and girls are different. Unfortunately, it is in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

Ms. Barecca,

“One of the biggest revelations came
when I realized that I didn’t have to share.”
The Sun Sentinel
Today
You

Was it Ayn Rand or Lazarus Long who said that first?

As a female, feminist New England university professor of English literature I think it would be difficult for you, despite Ms. Rand’s lack of a scrotum, to champion anything she said.

When plaid is your favorite color things like choice become easier.

“I discovered in my mid-to late 20s that the unoccupied
hand belonging [to] my ‘buddy’, [or boyfriend, or first husband]
was often furtively engaged in holding a miniature bottle of
cinnamon schnapps, the keys to a vehicle he didn’t own
or the hand of another wide-eyed girl”
The Sun Sentinel
Today
You

What’s the sense of being a modern American Liberal unless your narcissism allows you to 7 League boot it full blown solipsism?

I am sorry you didn’t have a strong male figure to guide you through your days of choosing life’s mate. The only reason to drink cinnamon schnapps is when you lose a bet. Should any prospective suitor of my daughter, having presented himself at my door in pursuit of my daughter’s hand, asked for a cinnamon schnapps I would have blinked not quite twice before I threw his sad sack sorry ass out the door.

On top of which you say he boosted cars?

When you had the Damascene moment I hope you realize that this turd should be removed from the gene pool. Maybe even some tough love a la Lorena Bobbitt.

Stop flogging yourself about your early choices.

Of the 12 guys that Jesus chose 1 dropped a dime on him and 10 ran away from him. You only mentioned one.

“Duck, duck Jane Eyre!”
Duck, duck Anna Karenina!”
The Sun Sentinel
Today
You

How about
“Duck duck Antigone!”
or
“Duck, duck Margaret Thatcher!”

You are outraged, outraged that the You-Tube clip of “Guys Running Into Walls For Fun” has been seen 3,500,000 times while “Women’s History Museum’s Fighting for rhe Vote” has been seen but 56 times.

Let me repeat that.

3,500,000 versus 56

If I were to say that 56 could easily become 70 or 80 if the gals doing the clip flashed a bit of beaver would you take my marketing advice? If Eve Ensler were to offer it would it make it more paalable?

I’ll share a little secret with you. {Keep it to yourself lest I lose my “Man” card]

There are 2 reasons why guys like to watch guys running into walls.

#1 – Guys like to run into walls.
#2 – If they can’t run into walls they like to watch other guys run into walls.

You may wish to extrapolate this revelation into an explanation of why there is bull fighting or NASCAR or why the pentathlon is still an Olympic sport. [George Patton finished 5th in 1912]

To undo this will require a bit more than GI Joe being banned. Kindergarten Kumbaya sing alongs will not do it. Legislation mandating that all Super Bowls end in a scoreless tie is not yet on the horizon. Women and children first, while under attack by Italian cruise ships, is still the rule.

Lysenko would have been the ideal choice to undo the warp and the woof of mitochondrial DNA. In the end, that’s why guys run into walls.

“Three Generations fighting For the Vote” will not undo “Gone With the Wind” or “Saving Private Ryan” at the box office

On September 11, 2001 Dick Oliver, a local NYC newsman, said that you can always tell who the firemen are. “They are the ones running into the burning buildings.”

I think that some of them ran into walls when they were younger.

There is some good news.

I found my notes on bumper stickers.

You may remember that your column on bumper stickers was the one that called me to your attention.

Here are some of my choices.

A – I’m Pro-Life. Are you Pro-Death?
B – WWRD? What Would Reagan Do?
C – Show Us Your Tits – [That’s my anti-Weiner stand]
D – Immanentize the Escatchon? Not on my watch!



Kevin Smith


PS – I’ll bet you couldn’t imagine me quoting Kipling to my granddaughters. One of them has begun quoting him back to me.