August 27, 2013
Secretary J. Forbes Kerry
Department of State
2201 C Street NW
Washington, DC 20520

RE: Watch your language and you may have to order new shirts

Mr. Secretary,

“Moral obscenity”? As opposed to “immoral obscenity” or “amoral obscenity”? The mind boggles at the thought of “pre-moral obscenity” or, worse, “post-moral obscenity”.

It’s bad enough that we have to watch these thuggish WOGs butcher each other on the evening news but you make it worse – a damned difficult thing – by butchering the English language. I am begging you to stop it.

One other thing.

The silly putty you had injected into your forehead to support the enormous weight of your magnificent hair appears to be moving. Alas, it appears to be moving down. Did you like Porky Pig when you were a kid? If you have to ask why I say that take a peek in a mirror.

If it falls any more it will register on the Richter scale.

You would be well advised to keep your $6,000,000 yacht – the one you had built in New Zealand because New England wage rates were too high, the one you registered in Rhode Island because Massachusetts tax rates were too high, that one – in dry dock.

Should you be on the foc’sle supervising the flogging of the cook for leaving the edges on the toast and you fall overboard when your face falls it could trigger a tsunami that could take out Boston. [Who says nothing good can come from a bad situation?]

On the other hand, if your face continues to fall you will wind up with more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Now that would be obscene.

My best to Tereza, your mad cap Gypsy lady wife. I hope she is feeling better.






Kevin Smith




PS – My favorite memory of the 2004 campaign was when you dressed up in the giant pink bunny suit. I hear a rumor that you will reprise your role next Easter at the White House. Pray God that it is true